Feel bad again!

[Juju]

My partner and I were invited to go to a Fair by my son and my son got VIP tickets and invited my partner and I. Well I've mentioned before about my partner not wanting to go anywhere out of his comfort zone which is not very far!  My oldest son knows about his problems but my younger son doesn't know how bad it is.  I know my sons think he is a wimp for being like this and it bothers me, it also bothers me that my partner will not even try to do anything and if I bring it up he will say "here we go again" he will also criticise my son and insult me about always running to his beck and call, which I find childish, it's such an old argument and I find I don't even fight back anymore.  I had such a full life with my late husband, now I have to do activities on my own.  I am in deep and feel I can live with this as he has so many other redeeming qualities but his unwillingness to deal with anything in life (like his own problems) really gets me down and if I leave him again it will the ultimate hassle .....

[Lookin 2 B Free]

It sounds like you're feeling pretty stuck, Juju.  Just because he doesn't choose to get help for himself doesn't mean you can't for yourself.  It seems he's been pretty consistent about his choice,  something he, like each of us,  has a right to make for himself. 

It's understandable you wouldn't want to live with it.  There was a time for me when leaving and being alone was unthinkable.  Now, the ability to do that much more easily gives me a wonderful freedom.  Instead of feeling resentful, victimized, and at the mercy of someone else's life choices, (which I spent plenty of years doing), I can take my life into my own hands knowing it can be a good full life, even if alone.  It can take some work to get there, but I found it well worth it!  Good luck to you!

[1footouttadefog]

Work on you on this one.  Work on your feelings, they are yours.

You feel bad about your husband's limitations on your social life.  You feel bad about your son's response to him.  These are feelings. 

At some point, I decided to own my own socially life and get out and do things.  I just started being real about my spouse with others.  This helped so much.  I would simply say things like H won't likely come because he deals with PTSD and anxiety. 

This helped others feel less rejected and less apt to try to go out of their way to accommodate us together, that is let them know they did not need to fix anything for us or him.

At the same time so started owning my own liesure time and hobbies. Amazingly my spouse lived vicariously through me and enjoyed hearing the details and gossip etc when I got back.  He enjoyed learning some tidbits of what I was learning in my hobbies as well and was enthusiastic about me having what I needed to pursue them. 

With that I took on some low impact activities that would benefit him more directly.  Bread and pastry baking for example. For a while I made homemade pasta.  I attended some cooking classes with wine events etc.

In the meantime I joined a hiking groups, did wine Thursdays with a group of friends, and started going to free music venues and concert series and the like.  I also started traveling with my kids. 

Looking over out history to that point, I realized my H can only have a good time away from home for 1-2 nights away at max.   We started going on over nights with him, then we would take a week or two long trip without him.  That was before his mental health and dementia caused more changes.  Now I have one of the kids babysit so I can get away and to day and over nights in between.  My H does not mind staying with the dog in a hotel and watching sports while I see a show or visit a museum.  He mostly goes for the food and enjoys watching TV after eating a breakfast buffet. 

We usually find a coin shop and let him go buy an ounce of silver, which is a highlight for him. 

For me it was accepting that he and I have different needs and then meeting them as they are not as I wish they were.

It's healthy for you come to acceptance of his limits, self imposed or otherwise.  Only you can decide if they are relationship deal breakers or something to work around.  The ball is in your court in this he has shown your his truth, limits etc

[Juju]

Yes thank you, I've thought a lot about being on my own, I think the scary thing is I am getting older and I look at my old Aunt and I think well thats going to be me for the rest of my life.  I will work on my life, I do find it embarrassing that I have to tell people he can't do this and he can't do that so this is why I come alone, I have to take an Uber because he won't drive out of his perimeter.Anyway thinking I'll just be honest from now on even he doesn't like it, he says he is ashamed of it but does nothing about it! Why should I cover for him!

[Rebel13]

I do find it embarrassing that I have to tell people he can't do this and he can't do that so this is why I come alone, ... I'll just be honest from now on

I think this is a great solution. You don't have to explain his choices or reasons. You can just say, "Thanks for the invite, I'm happy to be here/see you, H didn't want to come." Or "couldn't come." Depending on what is comfortable for you. You don't owe anyone details and you get to go on outings that make you happy regardless of what he chooses.

[Juju]

some great advise and suggestions, thank you I feel grateful for it.  Some great ideas from 1footoutofdefog (great name). If I stay with this man I really have to just live my life as I please and that makes me happy and more fullfilled.

[iamlonely]

I was out of town with my daughter for a week. I'm struggling with some physical disabilities so I was in pain & exhausted when I got home. He and I were watching a movie, but he wasn't really watching...got up several times & asked me a lot of questions about what happened. One of my responses bothered him & he wouldn't let it go, and it turned into a fight and I lost my temper. He said I am the crazy one and hasn't spoken to me for days. I feel so frustrated. I know I was wrong, but withdrawal is how he punishes me and it is torture for me.

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds like he was pushing for a fight and keep on until he could justify one. 

There is a toolbox part of this website, you might find it helpful If you have not read it already.