Abuse by Proxy - MIL the Cult Leader

[Abigail.2025]

A few months ago, my pd-MIL called my pd-husband.

Next thing I knew, he was standing over my shoulder, looking like he might hit me, and handed me the phone. "MIL wants to talk to you"—translation: she wants to torture you.

She proceeded to say that since she knew I wasn't leaving my husband, she was changing her will so I would get nothing. She even made a point of telling me directly: You're not in my will.

Who does that?

I got off the phone quickly. When I told my pd-husband what she said, he denied she had any bad intentions. In his eyes, when it comes to other people, his mother can do no wrong.

In two days, my PD-husband is going to visit his Mommy Dearest. I'm not—I have health issues that prevent me from traveling.

Yesterday, MIL called. I didn't answer, didn't text back. I ignored her. I will never again allow myself to be trapped in a one-on-one conversation where she can abuse me.

Predictably, she called my husband that night and played the martyr.

After he got off the phone, he came at me like a man possessed. He said MIL wanted to know what presents he should bring for the family. Then he added that his brothers told her to give their share to the sister— (MIL 2.0.) Pd-MIL was blubbering about how bad her kids treats her.

I told my PD-husband that he didn't know the whole story, so he had no right to charge in like a knight in shining armor and attack his brothers just because of what MIL said. Naturally, he defended her.

The reason I said this is simple: MIL always plays the victim, but she never admits to the shitshows and chaos she causes—the very behavior that makes people treat her the way they do.

Case in point: MIL and FIL were supposed to visit the sister. Then before they were schedule to leave, MIL called my husband, claiming FIL refused to travel with her and that he had stolen money.

Later, one of my pd-husband's brothers called me—clearly sent on a mission to find out why I won't allow MIL to visit here. I asked him why FIL refused to travel with her, and why she claimed he stole money. This is what the brother said, the rest of the story: MIL had been bad-mouthing FIL in front of the grandkids, and FIL had had enough. He separated his finances from hers. He's done. He doesn't want to do anything with her.
 
My problem is my MIL has conditioned my pd-husband to abuse me if I can't be controlled by her. It another reason why I want to leave this marriage. My pd-husband is married to his Mommy Dearest.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Question: My husband's whole family is PD. They just get into fighting and arguments (caused by the cult-leader MIL) When the old bitch finally dies does it ever get better?

MY MIL is 80. I heard evil-ass people live a long, long time.

[Abigail.2025]

About MIL's Will
I never assume I'm in anyone's will unless they tell me directly.
So imagine the audacity—MIL calls me just to say her "friend" told her to rewrite her will so I can't touch a dime of my husband's estate if he dies. That's not information I needed. That's cruelty for sport.
MIL is an evil woman, and she surrounds herself with equally toxic people. My PD-husband has already admitted her money comes with strings—endless strings. His brothers took the bait, let her fund their projects, and now she controls them. He swears he doesn't care about her money, but I don't buy it.
The only thing I've ever wanted from MIL is her silence and her absence. But of course, those are the two things she'll never give me.
 

[Abigail.2025]

When he hung up, my husband came at me like he was possessed. According to him, MIL just wanted to know what gifts he should bring for the family.

No. I know better. She didn't call for gifts—she called to abuse me. That excuse is a lie.

For starters, I'm not even traveling with him. He should figure out his own presents. He already told me he wasn't planning to bring any.

So let's pretend for a moment she was being "innocent." Even then, it's the same old story—MIL treating me like her little servant, the go-between she can boss around. Not anymore.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. PDs love to try to control people with money or promises of doing things in their wills. My mother likes to pretend her will contains a substantial sum of money that the family is to use to have an annual holiday together each year "to remember her". Nope. Shan't be doing that.

All you can do is keep out of it as best you can.

[Abigail.2025]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying not to get let down.

[Rebel13]

Yesterday, MIL called. I didn't answer, didn't text back. I ignored her. I will never again allow myself to be trapped in a one-on-one conversation where she can abuse me.

Abigail, I'm so glad you held this boundary to protect yourself from her abuse. You absolutely deserve to do what you need to, to keep yourself safe.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this and I hope you find ways to improve your life and protect your peace from the dysfunction of your husband's family.

[Abigail.2025]

Thanks for the kind words. Yes—my husband hated that boundary. But if I have to suffer, I'll suffer for protecting myself, not for abandoning myself.