A Little Celebration

[JustKeepTrying]

It's been awhile since I've posted. For those who know me, I am still in one place for right now helping my son; still seeing my professor boyfriend going on two years and still no to low contact with my OCPD ex-husband. Relationship with my daughters is getting better so I am doing well. I hope to travel full-time again by next summer - fingers crossed.

But that isn't what I came here to tell you.

My ex is in control of the 529 funds. Funds that were started by my inheritance more than 30 years ago. I should've fought for them in the divorce but I couldn't imagine that my ex would use them to control or leverage against me. They are for our children's college.  But he did and he is.

There is no way to change it now. I've tried.

So two months ago I sent him an email cc'ing my son with the amount that he will need for the semester. Now for the past year while he has been in recovery and in school, I have paid for all of my son's expenses including rent, utilities and food.  Everything except for tuition. It was a lot of money. I put all my plans on hold, took a hiatus from my writing job (and eventually lost it) with no help from my ex.

So I wanted the money to be released in time for school to start. School started last week. No money.

He asked for a FaceTime to talk it though - he tried to negotiate the money down. I held firm. I am bleeding here. I didn't get angry or frustrated. I gray rocked the whole exchange. Even letting his silence ride. Ugh I hate when they do that. In the end he agreed.

There still isn't any money and it has been several days. Fortunately my son has a part time job and is living off those funds and I can swing another month of rent and utilities.

But what I am celebrating is that I let it ride. I used that gray rock all the way and in the end what surprised me was how peaceful I felt when the interaction ended. Like that calm just carried on through the next few days.

So even though the money hasn't come through yet (and I am saving the info and saving money in case I have to go back to court) I am cool and calm and feeling pretty good.

[notrightinthehead]

  
Congratulations

[NarcKiddo]

Excellent. Well done.

[walking on broken glass]

Congratulations, Just Keep Trying! I hope the money soon appears but the important thing is how you held your ground and dealt with this beautifully.

[JustKeepTrying]

Thank you everyone. The money finally came through. Not at the amount I asked for - nor what the college recommends - but it will help. Worked with my son a new budget and we are tightening our belts again - it will work and I am not going to pursue right now.

I just need to not talk to him.

I thought I was okay. But I spent the past weekend with my guy and had a flashback and was just off all weekend. It really takes it out of me talking to my ex. I think I am over it and moving on and life is good. But one conversation just derails me. I so want to be no contact - but I can only manage low contact. Fortunately, my guy understands and just quietly supports me. So this week, I am just going to go to therapy and keep moving forward.

Ugh.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

It's inspiring to read how you're handling this, JKT!  I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it and the flashbacks.  And glad your "guy" can be supportive.  You are an example of the  healing and progress that can be made!

[TimetoHeal]

JKT,

I am so sorry you are having to deal with your ex playing money games, at your son's expense.  I am proud of you for not reacting (obviously what he wants!) and staying calm. 

Since the money is legally for your son's education, is there any way to let a lawyer deal with this so that you do not have to have conversations at all with your ex?  Is it in your divorce agreement that your ex will release the money to your son?  If so, he is in contempt of court. 

[JustKeepTrying]

TimetoHeal - In our state the 529 is controlled by a single person/ss# with a beneficiary - that is me. The accounts or the individuals are to receive the funds but in the end the money left is technically to be rolled over into an IRA and distributed to the owner of the account. When we divorced, I didn't contest it because I thought it was equal ownership and that he would never jeopardize his son. I was wrong. I could go back but the court costs would be astronimical and all I am upset about is his paying late. He is so charming and always has a good excuse. He is an accountant so he comes off as better with money.

On a positive note, the pell grant was reestablished for my son since he reenrolled and that helps a great deal. He did finally release the money. So he is okay for the next few months.