losing friendship , thankful for Out of the FOG

[1footouttadefog]

I met the woman when we had shared activities with our kids.  I also met her husband who would sometimes be present.  Wow it was obvious he was a narc or worse.  She at some point started sharing some of what was going on at home etc.  I shared some of the info from here that had helped me. 

The husband turned out to be a grandious and sociopath, diagnosed.  Abuse lead to her divorcing him and things went from hard to harder and harder still.  We bonded over having so shared aspects of our lives and enjoyed being able to talk to someone else who understood narcs etc. 

We have. Been friends for years.  Her life got harder, and then lot harder after a weather event in our area destroyed her home.  People in the community, myself and people from out of town and charities gave some help.  Alot of help really. 

I think the trauma of it all has just taken a toll and she needs help, none of us are qualified to give and that she would only reject because of her views on the medical system and pharma. 

She has been crap talking other people and justifying her self defeating habits and choices for some time now.  I have tried to be patient and supportive, knowing what she has been through and believing the entire time that she will get back on her feet soon.  Then soon.  Then, well this time, maybe, soon.

Her requests have become a constant demand on my time and resources then she started adding quilt tripping descriptions of her daily struggles, of which I am well aware and have been for years and years now.  Then always telling me how lucky I am etc etc, how much free time etc. 

Then came attacks on my character that were not well vieled at all.  Little snarky comments here and there.  Then not even subtle at all. 

This has turned into full on rudeness even as she is asking favors.  One thing I promised  is a job that takes about 6-8 hours.  A couple of times when I had that time lined up she called and asked me to go pick her kids up because she was drunk stoned etc somewhere.  I got the kids and reminded her she was using the time I had set aside to fullfil a promise.  She said she understood and really appreciated it.  Now she is trying to guilt trip about not doing that thing and saying I purposely procrastinated to hold her back.  This is a huge attack on my character. Many other aspects of her trainwreck are being blamed on me.  But not just me she is blaming and being extremely resentful of all the women who have been trying to support her. 

I just know I can no longer absorb her negativity and stress with phone calls at all hours and with the snarky pop shots, and constant seething rage and contempt for absolutely everyone and everything.   I actually think that at this point she might accuse me of harming her kids if I give her groceries that don't meet her high standards, and hope the food bank has what she needs. 

There was a super nasty eruption weeks back and I considered cutting it then but decided I did not have clarity about how to do so so just started sort of slow fading very gradually and putting soft boundaries in place.  This has caused me to have great clarity as things have become very unhealthy.  She felt the shift in energy and instead of stepping back from the negativity she has doubled down. 

I'm the past I would be in absolute despair and wondering what I did wrong and how I could have done things better etc etc.  I would be JADE ing big time. Thanks to this community I can recognize it's time for this chapter to close and can hope and pray that we have in the long run been made stronger for having been in each other's lives and that we both find out best path forward.

I have not been jading and only answer text with pertinent info and will unwind our situation over the next few days. 

At one point in my Out of the FOG I would be reading up again to see if she is a PD herself or just has lots of fleas.  Nope not now, it does not matter. It only matters that this is unhealthy for both of us and I need a change. 

[notrightinthehead]

Sad as it is, I think you are doing the right, the healthy thing. You wouldn't be much real help for her either if you kept enabling her behaviour. She seems on a downward spiral and the faster she hits rock bottom,  the faster she has a chance to re-think her behaviour towards you and others.

[1footouttadefog]

Just came back to add, It's been like three days total since I made my decision to end this toxic relationship.  Yesterday I took the woman's belongings that I had been storing to her property.  I gave her enough cash to cover hiring someone to do the task I had promised her.  This will buy her a couple of weeks to find a job as she will likely not spend it on that job.

I also gave her the supplies that will enable her to repair a couple of things that are an issue for her family like a leaking RV roof.  I need to reseal mine but can pick up another bucket of seal, and gave her a full 20 lb propane canister I had as I know she is out.

I left her in better shape than I found her so to speak.   I left her with a positive text saying I valued her friendship but things had become unhealthy and it was apparent I was a negative energy now and we needed to take our separate ways.  I told her so believed in her for what that is worth and she is the strongest woman I know and I believe she can make it soon and to pay it all forward when she was in a position to to so.  I told her she owes me nothing and it's between her and God and the Universe now.   She said I was probably being sarcastic.  I told her to believe  what would help her the most. 

I have lost almost 10 lbs since making this decision.  Stress, toxicity and cortisol is a thing!

It's interesting because I have been meal prepping and eating well for months since finding my cancer in Feb, doing the surgery and radiation thing etc. I had also been exercising at a gym a couple times a week. I had not lost weight in all this time until now and it was 10 lbs in three days. 

[Rebel13]

I'm the past I would be in absolute despair and wondering what I did wrong and how I could have done things better etc etc.  I would be JADE ing big time. Thanks to this community I can recognize it's time for this chapter to close and can hope and pray that we have in the long run been made stronger for having been in each other's lives and that we both find out best path forward.

I have not been jading and only answer text with pertinent info and will unwind our situation over the next few days. 

At one point in my Out of the FOG I would be reading up again to see if she is a PD herself or just has lots of fleas.  Nope not now, it does not matter. It only matters that this is unhealthy for both of us and I need a change. 

I'm so, so glad you took this step, and then further ones, to protect yourself! Sometimes people's problems are bigger than any individual, or even a small informal group, can handle. It's so sad to recognize that we can't save other people, no matter how much we might want to. But it is a true thing. It sounds like you've conducted yourself, through all of this, in ways you can feel good about, and that's so important. I'm still learning detachment with a friend who has some similar habits to your former friend, though her situation isn't as insecure as that, at least right now. But my friend also isn't doing much to improve her own life or solve the problems she has that are solvable. So I'm trying to do some of the same things you have done, and it's very hard. I admire you for taking care of your own needs and recognizing it's time to step back.

[1footouttadefog]

I got a text thanking me for dropping some belongings by and asking how I am doing.

I am disregarding it for now.  Later today I will have to text an address and other info and will simply say I am glad you found x that I dropped off.  I won't address "how I am doing"

I will not be pulled back in.   

[SeaBreeze]

It sounds like you're handling this well. It seems the most caring thing you can do for your friend is let her learn to do for herself. And the most caring thing you can do for yourself is to distance yourself.

[countrygirl]

I agree that you are handling things well, and are staying firm in your resolve to withdraw. 

It is amazing that dealing with this friend, bringing things to a close, has stressed you so much that you have lost weight, when taking such good care of your health since your diagnosis did not result in weight loss. You have been so helpful to this woman, and would have continued to be so had she not turned out to be bad for your health.

If you are a "rescuer," it is very difficult to realize that you aren't helping yourself or them if you allow them to take you down with them. I always remember a rule from a Red Cross Lifesaving class:  It is better that one drown than two.

[1footouttadefog]

I see the weight loss as a positive in that my cortisol levels are far less.  I bloat and hold weight when under stress.

Just making the decision and a plan to carry out must have reduced stress enough for my body to respond. 

I am holding my ground with that loss and have had a other half pound drop. 

Good sleep and not having my phone ring and getting trauma and rage dumped on is huge. 

[1footouttadefog]

Will add that last year at this time I had a friendship take a wrong turn.  Three weeks in a row I was stood up on something we had planned.  I texted that I could see where things were heading, no hard feelings and zip would see then around.  I got back a stupid excuse and a reset for an activity we had planned where they were bringing a long time friend.  That went off then I was ghosted. 

I knew all I needed to know. In the past I would have had all sorts of thoughts and questions about what I had done or said etc and would  given chase to try to resolve things. Instead I saw it as the trash taking itself out. 

I posted these in part because I needed to read stories like this and still do.  We give each other strength.

[1footouttadefog]

Just got a call from you guessed it.

She started by saying she appreciates all I have done for her but she meant the things she said ( that were lies meant to guilt me into more financial support) because she was trying to help me.  I interrupted to say I don't need to hear this do you have business with me.  She continued that if I did not always have the the last word and was not such a know it all.  I told her she had made it clear we share no common values and that I was not part of her "tribe" ( as in family of choice) .  I told her I hoped she found what she needed among her own people, and that she no longer needed to be concerned about me.  Then I hung up. 

I sit here having been made angrier than I would have expected to be. I guess it means I was taking more crap than I realized and had been suppressing anger. 

Anyway it was a huge opportunity to jade or say something nasty and I refrained.  She could hear that I was angry and I regret that.

I won't take the call next time and will merely text back.  Then comes blocking them perhaps a restraining order.  She has had some stuff in her past and I could get one.   

[countrygirl]

Hi,

I would say that I'm sorry this happened, but you handled it so well, and really gathered strength for going forward.  Good for you!

But, I AM sorry that she upset you.

I just hate the way that these people suddenly pop up like an evil Jack in the box, when you're just going about your day or night. Good idea not to pick up in the future. But I hope she will leave you alone after this.  I like it that you told her that you are not part of her "tribe."

I would think you would be able to get a restraining order, if it comes to that.   

[1footouttadefog]

Update.  She left a message after my not answering a call.  I could hear the change in her voice.

I answered the next call.  We discussed what had happened.  She talked how she had placed me in the role of her mother and that when I backed off from supporting her while being self destructive, that it triggered a lot of family of origin stuff that she flung at me.  She talked about it being the first time she was in a crisis with neither her mother to bail her out ( mom was a covert narc and friend was the scape goat there was always a price) nor alcohol to fall on.  She told me that she had not gone back to drinking. I told her I was very happy to hear that and know she has what it takes and that I was of course aware of some of what had been going on because we have been discussing this stuff for over 10 years. 

She also related some positive things she had done this past week or so on her own behalf and I related that I was glad to see her taking her power back. 

I ended the conversation with the fact, it had become far too healthy and that I could not take the burden of stress back on, and that she knows it's the biggest risk for my health. She agreed. 

I said I would continue to pray for her and be glad to hear her good news and positive updates occasionally for now.   

[1footouttadefog]

Update

I have heard from this woman twice more.  I chatted with her for a few minutes each time.  She was basically trauma dumping under the guise of an update on progress. 

I praised her for making positive decisions where she had and for hanging in there with sobriety, made some very surface level chit chat then, gently ended the call. 

I was glad to hear she is considering therapy. 

[TimetoHeal]

1footoutofthefog,

I have read through your whole thread here, and I applaud you for recognizing and choosing to end this friendship with an apparently very toxic woman, and not JADEing like you would have in the past. Especially since you are fighting cancer, but even if you weren't, you health is top priority right now!

It seems like this woman is not wiling to let go, and like you said, is still trauma dumping on you just with a little different "flavor".  My guess is it will continue to go on, and even escalate, as long as you allow it.  My advice, for what it's worth, is to block her now.  She is blatantly ignoring your stated decision to end to the relationship.  That shows extreme disrespect for your needs and desires.  You have been beyond kind and gracious in trying to end this gently and politely.  Some people can't accept doing it that way, and any response on your part will be taken as a sign that you are willing to continue in some way as well.  I've been in this position with ex-boyfriends/husband before, and the only way to end the abuse was to block contact on every front:  text, calls, email, social media, friends in common, everything. 

You've tried the high road and it hasn't worked.  It may be time to go full stop for your health and sanity.  Good luck!

[Catothecat]

You refer to her sobriety.  Addiction issues can really muddy the waters in situations like this. Do you believe her when she says she hasn't gone back to drinking?  Was her drinking what caused her emotional outbursts? 

I spent several years in an AA-adjacent group called Adult Children of Alcoholics.  I witnessed this type of behavior in several folks in the group.  Even when they're not drinking, they're called dry drunks for good reason.  They learn how to manipulate well-meaning and helpful people because they've burned so many bridges with others in their life they often have no one left outside of the group.  So they learn how to tell you what they think you want to hear. 

I don't know if this is the situation with your friend, but she certainly seemed willing to change her behavior once she realized you were pulling away. Otherwise, I agree with timetoheal.  You've gone above and beyond the call of duty and it might be time to put aside this one -way-street of a relationship to focus on YOU and YOUR wellbeing.   

[1footouttadefog]

Update, the woman has remained mostly sober, has for the first time sought therapy, has her diagnoses  now and she is trying to process it all. 

She now has a challenge in that the therapist has said she should probably be on scripts, but understands her resistance and is discussing supplements and other options.  She has always been in alternative health and nutrition and feels a huge need to prove she can improve without prescriptions.  This is likely driving the sobriety at this point. 

She finally has a home, a large destination RV, and has running hot water, a brand new kitchen with a real fridge and freezer and stove and oven and air fryer etc.  she has a washer and dryer.

Most importantly she had a great deal of agency back. She can buy the groceries she wants with the fridge and freezer, and knowing she can cook on something other than a hot plate.  The kids all have a new space of their own.  Hopefully after two years of basically camping, stress levels will reduce and traumas will start to heal.
She also has her farm tunnel up and has it planted out. 

We are in contact but on a more limited basis.  I go over to give legitimate help, or trouble shoot as they get used to the new living arrangement.  Like her hot water not working in the kitchen most of the time, bit sometimes if did.  They did not realize the switch on the bathroom wall for the tankless heater was for the kitchens hot water also. The washer flooded the first time they used it.  The men who set it up did not open the washer grey water outlet because it's labeled "kitchen galley". I opened it and a flood of blue water came out so I knew it was the washer.

I don't mind giving real help like this, it's not enabling. She also shows gratitude and offers to help with some of my stuff. 

I think she might have hit her Rock bottom finally and is on the rebound time Wilma tell.   I and holding firm on certain boundaries and not allowing things to go back to such a negative place.  Things seem to be in a workable healthy place for now. 

Again the time on this forum gave the tools and knowledge to see what was happening and to disengage as needed. 

I have still not heard back from the "friend" who ghosted.  He ghosted many others also.  I saw his car at a restaurant the other day and decided I would grab a bite elsewhere.