Saying Hello / Getting ready to improve my life

[thfor]

Hello Everyone,

First of all, thank you to the creators of this website for maintaining it. The resources have been very helpful. I'm in the process of leaving my long term gf. We have been together for 3.5 years. I have always been resistant to the idea of moving too fast, so luckily we live apart. At the center of this resistance is deep seeded feeling (or knowing) that my partner suffers from PD patterns. Ive always known on some level that her way of thinking is abnormal, but I have allowed our relationship to continue because I convince myself I can fix these problems, I'm at fault for them, they are unimportant, and/or this is just whats normal in a relationship. I suffer from great self doubt and obsessive thinking, so often my brain is filled with conflicting ideas on what I should do and whats wrong, and before I can get to any concrete truth to stand on, I give up, exhausted. Seeing what others have gone through and how I have similar experiences has made it easier to interrogate my feelings. I'm beginning to see some light (although there is far more self doubt and catastrophizing about how I will recover).

I've spent the last couple weeks reading on this forum and some others. I still have a couple questions that I havent seen answered elsewhere. Hopefully someone can provide some answers (or at least some encouragement lol).

1. Do PD's exist on a spectrum?
As I said, the last few weeks have been huge for me in understanding I'm not alone. But there has always been a level of hesistation to call my partner "PD". There are many symptoms of PD Ive never seen her experience. She has never gotten violent or yelled at me harshly. She has never cussed me out. Where I tend to notice the similarties is in the more subtle patterns: splitting, perfectionism (towards me and herself), silent treatments, thought policing, and testing.
Perhaps its because I am in my 20s and have no frame of reference, or because Ive subconsciously believed the stereotype that 'women are more emotional', but even now I wonder if these behaviors are typical in any relationship and im just being too sensitive...So I guess my question is... Can these disorders exist on a spectrum? At what point is her behavior normal and our relationship worth saving? Ive been struggling to understand if there is something left I can do, or if the conclusion im jumping to is correct... ugh... I just started therapy, I know I need to work on my doubt.

2. Is there some type of 'script' or template for ending relationships with someone who experiences this disorder? I want to be honest, but I dont want to be too honest that they hurt me or themself. Or is it even worth being honest? Obiviously if we broke up I'd want that to be final, so whatever stategies you reccomend for breaking up with someone in the way to signal that this is final!! I see a lot of tips on here for knowing when to leave a conversation, but how do I initiate a breakup in a safe way, that will lead to as little hoovering from her as possible?

Sorry for any typos of unclear points. Quickly typing this while on break.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @thfor


Like all things, PD can definitely exist on a spectrum.  Since we are just people helping other people, we often try to focus less on a diagnosis and more on what we can do/ control in any relationship with someone who may have a PD, which is ourselves.  I think for me it took me a good 2 years out of the relationship to get this part and get back on my own healing path bc I was still more concerned about what was wrong with him (even though we had been broken up a while) because in my heart/ head  I thought if I knew maybe I could have 'fixed' him.  I had to learn that the only person I can fix is me.

as to the actual break up- we lived together and it was very messy.  distance is for sure your friend on this one.  since we have many members deciding or actively in the process of leaving in the separating/ divorcing part of a forum it may be a good question to post there because they have collectively gone through all the different methods of breaking it off-

Separating and Divorcing

I had the chance to break it clean with my ex after an incident about 2 years into our relationship but I stuck it out longer because again, I was trying to fix it all and be a perfect partner.  I feel like I wasted soooo much time bc we were constantly back/ forth with the make up and break up cycle.  whatever you decide, sooner is better than later so you can get back to yourself again.

hope to see you on the boards again soon-