Hello! Sister with BPD

[SisterBlue]

Hi all! I needed a more secure place than a reddit forum to ask questions and connect. I'm into my first few months of no contact with my younger sister with untreated bpd who seems to show a lot of narcissistic traits? But she talks a good talk about how kind and giving she is compared to my selfishness and abuse. My therapist assures me I've been doing the best I can. I just need somewhere to connect with people who understand that I can't "fix" it by giving her some space and then "trying again." Since going no contact, I've felt so much better in my day to day life, but the deeper guilt still creates spirals as well as the dread of what I'll do when/if I have to be in contact with her if she remains untreated. I just want to feel not so alone.

Also, the bigger thing that seemed to trigger our recent escalation is when I started to have ideas of my own... even seemingly simple ones like an idea of how to hang out or what I want to do for my birthday or what gifts to get our parent. Any time I stop completely towing the line and doing exactly as she says (including validating delusional thoughts about others she is currently angry with) things escalate horribly. Is there an inherent need to control the other person even in basic desires with bpd? Like I thought offering to take her to an event (an event she liked, and I honestly didn't care if I saw or not) for her birthday was a nice thing, but apparently that was me being self-centered and doing "grand gestures" without truly being supportive. Help?

P.S. I realize that I won't have to worry about this as long as I'm NC, but I'm trying to work through the gaslighting and fog so I have a more clear understanding of being a healthier me in all situations.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have come to a good place. Study the Toolbox for strategies when you are dealing with your sister. Read the book 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist' by Fjelstad. Do you have real life support? A therapist? A self help group like CoDA? When we have people with PD in our life, we are trained to enable them, support them. Now that you are NC, you have a real opportunity to work on yourself, strengthen your self esteem, get yourself stronger and more resourceful that future relationships will be healthy and respectful of your boundaries or you have the strength to walk away.
See you around on the boards!

[bloomie]

SisterBlue - thank you for sharing a bit about the difficulties you are facing in the relationship with your sister. The feelings of confusion, the kind gestures you offer turned against you, the lingering questions you are having as you try to heal and better understand the behaviors your have been encountering are familiar.

This is a community of fellow travelers that will support you as you sort through and continue to process your experiences and develop a clear path forward.

Keep coming back and sharing on the boards! It helps so much to lighten a heavy load!

[SisterBlue]

Thank you so much! It has been very helpful to be here. I have read all the books I could get my hands on and am in therapy, but sometimes I just need to talk to people who understand. It's painful being NC, but oh my gosh has the healing really started. My day to day life is so much better.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Sister Blue! I just saw your welcome message. I fully sympathize as I also have an uBPD sister with narcissistic traits, with whom I have cut off contact. It's been so much more peaceful since then and I don't regret a minute of it. The rest of the family are in the FOG and do not see the problem for what it is. It gets lonely. You are in the right place though