Struggling in my marriage, looking for support

[MotoX16]

Hi all! I'm new here so I'll give a quick intro.

My wife and I are 30 and have two kids, ages 3 and 1. We've been together 5 years and our relationship has had some incredible highs, and some incredible lows. Since having our second kid our life has felt much more stressful and chaotic. It feels like our lows have been getting worse and happening more frequently. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago to work through some of the issues I've been having and he's really opened my eyes to the possibility of my wife having a personality disorder. He mentioned bpd to me and the more I read about it the more things start to make sense. Over the last couple of weeks my wife and I have had some really good, honest, conversations about some of our issues and she has just started seeing a therapist as well. And has her first psych appointment is scheduled for next week.

I love my wife dearly, and believe strongly in the commitment I made to her. But if I'm being honest I'm struggling. I often feel like I dont know what to do/say next and dont have anyone I can turn to for advice in the moment. I see my therapist weekly, and that helps a lot. But I would really like to have someone to talk to/call when conflicts arise for advice. I have some good friends and loving parents, but dont think they would be much help navigating conflicts like we have.

I'm glad I found this site, and will spend some time diving into the resources available here. But at this moment I'm feeling a little in over my head and could use some more support navigating my emotions and our conflicts. Thanks for welcoming me to the community and I appreciate any advice

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome MotoX16! You have found a good place. Check out the Toolbox, you will find strategies there that will make your life with your wife calmer. Medium chill, non JADE , grey rock and boundary setting are really helpful.
There is a book that I found essential 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist' by Fjelstad.

I am glad you are getting support. Looking forward to your future posts on your journey Out of the FOG.

[bloomie]

MotoX16 - adding another warm welcome to you! Your intro post is a mix of good news... you are dedicated to your wife and children and getting in real life support and your wife is heading in the same direction!

And then there is the reality of living in an atmosphere of uncertainty. Every day. Very hard!

I have found that I needed a highly discreet mentor type relationship as a safe place to share and go for wisdom and insights in my own marriage to someone with disordered behaviors and traits. I actively sought that type of relationship and it was a true Godsend for me.

Also, I found I needed a group of people like you will find here. People that understood on a level that others do not because we have lived/are living with similar traits and behaviors with our loved ones. This community has helped me in ways that I have never found anywhere else.

Surround yourself with a support system. Keep building on your tools and growing in wisdom. Understand the difficulties and challenges you are facing are a marathon and your health in every way is so very important to protect. The other primary are of protection is keeping your littles safe and well cared for.

And keep coming back as you are able. We welcome you!

[MaxedOut]

MotoX16, welcome and I am sorry to hear you are struggling. Hopefully therapy and having some things click into place from the lens of a PD helps. And I am glad to hear your spouse has started therapy and is doing a psych eval/appt.

As mentioned the Toolbox is an excellent resource with approaches for handling things in the moment. And honestly a lot of handling that better for me was things that helped slow down the dynamic of pressure for immediate response/action/words that the non-PD person can feel and focusing more on the lessening the state of emotional dysregulation and creating and using boundaries to protect myself from it (and folks with kids can also speak to how they approached o protect them). The fall into emotional dysregulation can feel to them and then us like a crisis. Being non-PDs we may respond to the story/dialogue/subject of discussion/outburst when it is really the dysregulation that is steering things and will distort the topic until that calms.

I also had a bit of an unconventional approach largely because my healthplan happened to also offer coverage of a national BH service (Talkspace, Better Health, etc.). That option would connect to a therapist using different methods including chat messaging, voice memo, and video visits. I had a regular therapist too but basically used the app based chat function (and sometimes video visits which could usually be scheduled pretty flexibly) to get support from that therapist more real-time and specific to thinking about interactions. Might be worth checking if that is a benefit you might have if you are in the US and have medical insurance (the typical price isn't something I'd have done oit of pocket).