Help! Very rusty and need a refresher course

[wilderness256]

I need a place to share with some fellow travelers in this world. My brother is uNPD, mom also. My brother has been absolutely horrible to me over the past decade + and he hasn't been abusive to me in several years. I forgot and got a rude wake up call yesterday. All the anger and pain is flooding back into my otherwise peaceful life, I just need some kind words of support and a place to share as I dust off my toolkit and supplies for dealing. Have an appointment with my therapist coming up so I am trying to refrain from thinking on it too much until I see her.

Thank you all for being here.

My uNPD brother has lived far away from me since 2018. After long time of medium chill, I had two very pleasant visits with him and his family and I thought things would stay friendly but oh boy was I wrong. How could I have fallen into thinking things would remain peaceful?!

After several years of not being abused by him, yesterday I got another request for a "talk." I fell for it - it's been over 3 years and I didn't have my toolkit handy! For him a talk means "I'm going to trash you and your character, and tell you I'm the victim of your evil conniving plots to harm me, I'll also mansplain to you why I understand the family dynamic and you don't understand anything about psychology but let me help you understand what a good person I am and how f'd up you are."

So in the course of this conversation he literally told me that he was committed to not telling my nephews anything about the conflict between us or trash talking about me to them "until they are old enough to understand, like over 20." So I said, "Okay wait, let me make sure I understand. You plan to sit down your kids when they are over 20, and say to them, hey I know that you really like your aunt but actually she's a bitch." And you wonder why I don't enjoy our "talks?!"

I was very rusty with my techniques and really pushed back. I told him he's not a victim, that he has a role in the dynamic between us, and reminded him of the many, many things he did to me that were incredibly hurtful and mean, not to mention delusional because he blamed me for doing things that literally never happened but that he fabricated. Of course no good can come from a 2 hour call with a narcissist. I know this.

He wants to talk again in a few weeks. Surely at that time, he will bring a list of grievances about how the things I said during this call prove that I am sinister and evil. Surely he will also have a list of things I never did or said that really upset him.

It just occurred to me the real reason for his call is financial. He and his family struggle financially. (He can't keep a job and hasn't worked in many years.) When our dad died, he didn't leave us anything, it all went to my stepmother, then is supposed to be divided equally among their children (me, my brother and our stepsister) when our stepmother dies. Brother completely cut off stepmother after dad died. Not one call, letter, hello, nothing. She is not an easy person, but she was actually really good to my father, and I don't hold any resentment towards her. I see her about once a month. UNPD brother lives very far away. Now I'm starting to wonder if he's getting ready to sue me if he doesn't inherit from her. So periodically he will call and ask what's up with our stepmother. I have made it very clear to him that I have not and will not discuss her finances or health care with her. ever. I want nothing do with it. I visit her, we talk about history and current events, period. That's it. Now I'm starting to remember my fears and concerns over his litigiousness. If he doesn't inherit what he feels entitled to (despite the way he's treated our stepmother) he's going to blame me for it. Should I proactively hire a lawyer or something? Ugh.

I'm just finished. I am so finished. He seems to be confused as to why I don't want to talk to him. I am having a hard time restraining myself from giving him a real piece of my mind. What does he aim to get out of these "talks" of his? I am at the point where I just want to tell him straight to his face, you are a narcissist, and you need help. You are delusional and of all the personality disorders in our family, you're the absolute worst. You're abusive to your family and everyone else around you. You're the cause of your own problems but are too broken to take personal responsibility. Go get some help. I'm not going to take your attacks and abuse anymore.

 

[xredshoesx]

hey wilderness- I don;t think you did bad at all- I think from what you shared, you set some boundaries with your brother and established that you are not going to be coming back for repeated rounds of his gaslighting and rewriting history.

the ball is in his court.  if he continues to do the same thing- then you can decide which level of contact you wish to continue to engage with him- if any at all.  knowing that there may be an outcome he desires based on anything legal, getting an attorney's perspective isn't a bad idea either.

as far as your nephews, i'm willing to bet they kind of already know the truth about the relationship with you and your dad but with all things related to kids and their parents, if he tells them it may backfire on him vs you.

keep reading and know it's not you.  PS I think it's incredibly kind you keep up with your stepmom.  in my situation I am closer to my stepmom then either of my birth parents so I get it.

[wilderness256]

Thank you for the kind words. I was sooooo triggered by that phone call and then had to leave town for a work trip and that got my mind off of it. You are right, it wasn't that bad and did a ton of reading and re-reading of some materials here and made a list of talking points so I feel ready! And I realized that I have to accept this isn't going to change. He may go a few years without an outburst or attack but at his age, and with his attitude, he is not going to change.

Thank you again. It is amazing to have this community of information and support.