Here we go again

[Sojourner17]

My dad passed away this past June.  I wrote about it in another post on the forum.  Since then I have agreed to calling my mom every other week after being no contact for just over a year.  Nothing has changed in a lot of ways and there has been no resolution to what brought the relationship to no contact in the first place.  I'm in contact solely because my dad died and I feel it's the right thing to do. 
 Three weeks ago she texted (the Thursday before our call) she was going away for the weekend and wouldn't be available for our biweekly call and could I call her earlier before she left.  I said have fun on your trip we can catch up and talk about it when you get back.  I kept it light and positive and held my ground that we could talk on her return which put an extra week between calls. 

We talked a week later but I wasn't feeling all that great (didn't tell her that!) so it ended up being just a half hour call (usually an hour) and then I said I had to go.  She wasn't very happy about that but didn't say anything.  I could just tell by the pauses and tone of voice. 

Today I got a text saying she will be away again next weekend (our next scheduled call) and wants to do weekly calls because this will continue to happen and she needs me, especially right now. 

My initial reaction is "no way!"  I'm not ready for weekly calls.  I work (cleaning houses) plus homeschool our boys.  I work 10 hour days every Sunday as well as at minimum one evening a week.  It will slow down soon but I'm booked to the max and getting tired.   My Saturdays are my only free days and as it is every other one I call her. 

The calls take a lot out of me as there is a lot of mining for information and jumping to negative conclusions.  Example, she asks how I'm doing,  I sigh and kind of laugh and say things are going well and she immediately jumps to something is wrong and anxiously asking me what's going wrong.  Its tiring. 

I've been thinking off and on about how I want to be.  The type of person I am.  With others I'm warm and engaging, laughing and caring.  With her I feel like I have to dam that part of me up.  Can't be too engaging or talk to much, can't be too negative or barely talk.  Gotta grey rock and stay flat and that's totally not me.  I hate who I have to be with her.  It's like I have to deaden a part of me and I'm scared that dead part (uncaring, flat emotion, bland) is slowly going to take me over. 

She asks how I'm doing regarding my dad's death and I have to say "doing well".  I am doing pretty well over all but it's hard at times.  I can't tell her that. 

Anyways,  now I have to tell her,  have a great trip (dad had bought them tickets to go on a train ride so now she is going with my sister that lives in the same town) and no, I want to keep it every other week, talk when you get back! 

It's draining.

[moglow]

@Sojourner17, I feel your pain! I can only be glad for you that apparently your mother doesn't live nearby.

When my stepfather passed (just a few months after Daddy - they'd been divorced/remarried when we were children), mother suddenly clung to me, demanding that I be there for and take care of her. There was no consideration that I was also grieving and not doing well at the time. She simply didn't see it: she'd lost her husband and I couldn't understand what that was like for her. I tried to talk to her, asked her how she managed when her father passed. Oh we can't talk about that. It was all for one and one for one: her.

I'm not sure how I did it, to be honest - she'd show up at my house, uninvited and unexpected, for days at a time. She had a key because I was renting from a brother, and just let herself in. Talking (babbling) incessantly, literally waking me up every morning so I wasn't late for work, like I wasn't fully capable of doing that myself! She'd followed me around the house whatever I was doing, open and read my mail, pick up the extension when she knew I was in the phone ... She ended up throwing herself at a man we knew (also recently widowed) and burned that situation down within a few months. She all but moved into *his* house, started making changes there, was livid that his wife's portrait was over the fireplace. I gather he was very blunt and told her this wasn't what he wanted and she needed to not return. 

Anyhow, where I'm actually going with this is, I had no boundaries. It never occurred to me to tell her how offensive it was, her showing up repeatedly like that. She truly believes that as "the mother" that's just the way it was and would be. I'm pretty sure that's when I started looking for a job elsewhere ... In another city where she could t just drop in any old time.

Here's the thing - she's insistent you call every week. Why? Do you have that much to say/share? Does she? Nothing has changed between you to encourage "more" and if (God rest him) your Dad hadn't passed, you wouldn't be talking now. What does she need from you really?

Short version of all this: she gets what she gets, what you are comfortable with. Your relationship with her hasn't changed. Your obligation to her only extends so far. 

Does this make me sound as awful as I think??

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Sojourner,

I second what Moglow has said. Talking every week is your mother's need, not yours. You don't have the space and energy for it and you don't want it, period. She will just have to accept it. It's the classic story: you give them an inch and they will take a mile. If talking once every two weeks becomes too much, you can adjust that too. Your mother has other people to talk to for support and, even if she didn't, it's not your job to do that. Especially when it is one-sided. Look after yourself.

[NarcKiddo]

You could always tell her that you actually have other engagements in the diary on the spare Saturday and you can't keep rearranging to take account of her travel plans. Basically, the message is that if one of the scheduled calls cannot happen for whatever reason then a call will not happen until the next scheduled call. If that means a long gap between calls, so be it.

Another option could be to agree to make more frequent calls and just make them short. You don't have to tell her you are planning short calls, you just say you have to go when you have had enough and end the call. Any kick back from her and you go back to bi weekly. And still short ones. I make this suggestion because I can cope far better with my mother little and often. You may actually find shorter calls less draining because you just exchange whatever news there might be to exchange and then finish, rather than her having an opportunity to bang on and ask intrusive questions.

If you have started contact again for your own reasons of conscience and not in response to any effort she has made to repair the relationship then I see no reason for her to dictate anything to do with the calls.

Good luck.

[TimetoHeal]

I've been thinking off and on about how I want to be.  The type of person I am.  With others I'm warm and engaging, laughing and caring.  With her I feel like I have to dam that part of me up.  Can't be too engaging or talk to much, can't be too negative or barely talk.  Gotta grey rock and stay flat and that's totally not me.  I hate who I have to be with her.  It's like I have to deaden a part of me and I'm scared that dead part (uncaring, flat emotion, bland) is slowly going to take me over. 

Boy, I could have written that.  I feel you.

Homeschooling and working is exhausting!  I have been there!  Save your energy for your family and your clients and only give to your mother what you have decided you are willing to give.  It sounds like she is lucky to get that.  You do not have to plan your calls around her travel arrangements. No, you are not being unreasonable or selfish (thought you might need to hear that  )

[Sojourner17]

Thanks all for responding.  I sent her a quick brief text saying every other week works better on this end and that I was looking forward to hearing about her train trip.  This is the truth.  I DO want to hear about the trip, who went, what they did, etc. 

She texted back:  ok

     She has been displaying quite a bit of restraint the last little while but that restraint is starting to feel threadbare. 

Oh well!

Mowglow:  I'm extremely glad that we live a 10 hour drive away.  They only made the trip once seven years ago and said they didn't want to drive it again.  I'm not sure how she has been with my sister who lives in the same town.  Their relationship is different.  My sister handles things differently.  She was also closer to my dad...so there's that. 

My role in the family was always to hold any emotional dump that came my way.  I'm just not doing it anymore but it does mean navigating landlines.  Guess that's where honing in on medium chill skills would come in. 

I'm sorry you were bombarded by your mom after your dad and step father's deaths.  That must have been hard! 

All my adult life I've lived at least 1.5 hr to 2 hr drive away.  They rarely came up to see me. I think my having roommates for most of that slowed them down. 

Yes,  every two weeks is MORE than enough.  I'm actually glad for the extra week inbetween. 

I don't think more frequent but shorter calls would work.  Honestly I'm aiming at 1/2 hr 45 mins tops right now. 

And yes, if my dad hadn't passed we would still be NC.  I was toying with the idea of writing a letter to them before he passed but each time I went to do it I just couldn't.

  There's still a lot there to unpack. 

[Sojourner17]

Land mines 

[Liketheducks]

Wow....that is a lot to unpack.   It really is ok to put your peace above all others.   You've all been through a very, very rough time.  And grief brings out the very worst in people.    I've been the emotional adult in the room since I was a toddler, so it hits home.

It sounds like she's offloading her emotional regulation onto you with the requirement that you speak once a week.   I'm glad you were able to change that to every other week.   This is one of the very reasons why I'm VLC with my parents.   They have a difficult time with me not stepping in and waiving my magic wand to solve everything.   I just can't do it anymore.   Though, in times of crisis....I have.  I have to pull back then again to just regain my sense of self.   It is exhausting.   At the same time, when I have stepped in during those crisis times....I can feel my mom "relax" as if I'm always going to be back in that role.   As if, she has a loving parent to take care of her rather than the other way around.   While also simultaneously she's digging into me for not doing enough, not doing it right, not doing it the way she would.   

I know it is petty....but sometimes, I've totally engaged the "Gee mom, someone keeps calling me..." just to get off the phone and get some space.   I've not been above a little white lie to get myself off of the phone to do some self regulation...and then checking in with myself before calling back.   That might be the next day.   It makes me feel like a horrible person, but it also gives me a little space to recover before I get pulled back into the fray.   In some ways, I think, it reminds her also that I'm an adult with my own responsibilities....that she is responsible for herself-ish. 

I'm sorry you've gone through this.   Lost my brother to suicide 2 years ago and it has been brutal navigating providing support and also taking care of my own grief.     

[Sojourner17]

Yes, Liketheducks, she emotionally offloads for sure.  In fact,  I've been out of cell reception, camping, for three nights.  As soon as my phone registered in reception again I had a text from her saying can I please come home, she really needs to see me life has become very hard for her. 

I haven't responded yet (I still freeze up after all these years) but showed my husband.  He said her text is very selfish considering the previous text I sent saying every other week contact is better on this end.  It's feeling very spiritual in nature as well (one of  first thoughts was this, hubby also said it without my prompting).  It feels like baiting as well. 

[Liketheducks]

I agree with your husband.   In her grief, I seems that she assumes that you don't have your own.   Felt like that with my mom when my brother passed.   Though, i sometimes think that this dysfunctional behavior might be from so much unprocessed, unrealized stuff that our parents just aren't  self aware enough to recognize. 

[Sojourner17]

Ducks,  I think this may be so.  I can only imagine how hard it is for her right now.  She can't see past her own grief and discomfort. 

I'm thinking of texting something along the lines of the following :  Hi mom, I missed your text because we were away camping. I'm good with the level of contact that we have right now so I'll talk to you tomorrow.  Please don't ask for any form of increased contact right now. 

I'm just not sure though. 

[Liketheducks]

I might just say, sorry I missed our regular time, we ended up camping..... and then be only as available as your level of safety requires.   I don't think you need to explain the part where you're good with the current level of contact....then there is that "you should prioritize me over your FOC" conflict.   Please don't ask...assumes that she's gonna listen.   Do you think she will?

[moglow]

'ducks said pretty much what I'd suggest too "sorry I missed our regular time, we ended up camping...talk to you tomorrow (or whenever the set day is)." Youve already told her what you're comfortable with, no need to keep spelling it out. I lean hard into don't explain or defend. My choices are what they are and I'm not on call for the doom gloom and misery.

[Sojourner17]

I just texted "mom I missed your text because we were away camping.  I will talk to you tomorrow."

She said ok looking forward to hearing your voice. 

I call her today.  I'm not going to say anything requesting her to stop asking for more contact. 

[Sojourner17]

I'm struggling now with how to care for her as a widow.  It brings a whole new level of things in to play.   

[Liketheducks]

I understand.   Though, reading your post....she's an adult.  You aren't obligated to care for her as a widow.   It is an adult relationship.   You care for her as it works with your level of safety.   Says Ducks as she's trying to figure out what she's going to do with her own elderly mom.   

Hang in there.

[Sojourner17]

Thanks Ducks 

The widow part has somewhat taken care of itself.  She sees everything as glass half empty but occasionally has a glimmer of realization of what others have done and are doing for her. 

I've decided what I can offer is biweekly phone calls alternating with biweekly texts.  I have to stay firm.