Coping skills

[Sotired]

Hi, I've been a lurker for years and years. I'm a single mother of two. Divorced from an abusive covert npd who video calls the kids once a week but has no further contact. The split took place when the eldest was 5 and the youngest was an infant. I've also gone through and am currently surviving cancer which has had a large impact on us. We've all been in counseling for years. Eldest is diagnosed with autism and adhd, as well.

Eldest has shown signs of problematic behaviors for many years. He has been in counseling and is medicated for adhd, depression, with an additional medicine to help racing thoughts calm. Now, at 14, he's been escalating behaviors, seemingly delusional thinking, and aggression much further. His psychiatrist has added an antipsychotic that was just started and we have a follow up next week.

I'm having a massively difficult time coping while trying to help my youngest cope as he's also increased his targeting of her.

I desperately want to hold onto hope that he's not like his father. The reality of his behavior has necessitated all the deescalation techniques I know and adjusting the house to try and maintain safety for everyone. All the knives are removed, new door locks were installed on my room and his sister's room, heavy blunt objects that can be thrown have been removed, kids can't be alone in the same space together, etc...

His emotional and verbal behaviors are also a huge trigger for me. He seems to be embracing the idea that abusing females is the best way to relieve emotional stress. His phone monitoring alerted on him advising another game player to go take it out on their girl. I feel I've had to adjust and walk on eggshells to keep all of us safe in the short term while we hope the new medication helps. But he appears to be very satisfied with the outcome of his escalated behavior.

I'm terrified. I'm completely triggered. And I'm a mess and feel like a complete failure as a parent. His counselor of many many years reminded me that medicine can help but he has to choose to do the work to make changes. And I'm truly losing any hope that any part of him wants anything other than where we're at now.

I guess my question is, in the moments of his outbursts and apparent glee at getting his way through these behaviors, what has worked for any of you to cope and not just break down into a shaking crying mess. I'm barely holding it together in front of my children.

[Poison Ivy]

Having not been in your situation, I don't have tips. I do want to offer you my sympathy for all that you're enduring.

[square]

I'm with Poison Ivy. This sounds very difficult. You may need to escalate anywhere you can, maybe even to CPS, I don't know. Wishing you the best.

[notrightinthehead]

This sounds really hard. I remember there used to exist self help groups for parents called something like'Tough Love'. Your situation seems far too difficult for you to cope on your own.

[Sotired]

Thank you. I've been reaching out and trying to find anything to help. Everywhere from friends in the special needs community who have needed help with their children, a social worker friend, & his counselor. Even his counselor has advised against the local facilities unless we absolutely have to, as it's most likely to make him worse. She's a former social worker who has seen it firsthand here. The area we live is honestly terrible. Many parents have sent their kids far out of state for care. I can't afford that. And I can't legally move without their father's permission until the kids have aged out of the divorce decree.

I have c-ptsd due to a long history of abuse and health issues. I was mostly managing well until my son's escalations. The flare in the symptoms has been huge. But I'm thankful I recognized it since my last post. I'm trying to engage in the exercises to keep me in the moment and functional. I've also ordered the body keeps score book. Because I 100% know mine has.

I know, and so does he, that if he crosses the line into physical the police or social services will have to be called and nobody can bail him out of that situation.

We seem to have entered a cooling phase of this abuse cycle. He was escalating but accepted being stopped yesterday. He's been glossing, pretending everything is back to normal, and attempting to engage normally. But it's also different this time. Because he hasn't faced consequences like times past, he hasn't had to make amends, earn privilages, demonstrate changed behavior. Not even if only to make his outcomes better. Mostly it's just been avoiding confrontation with him. Whch continues to be a massive trigger for me. I can't really emphasize that enough. Trying to survive until the medicine has a chance to work and we can meet with his psychiatrist.

I truly appreciate your responses. I don't know what to do, either. But thank you for hearing me.