Finding A BPD Abuse Therapist

[orange809]

Hi. This site was invaluable a few years ago as I was emerging from a long relationship with someone with BPD, so I thought I'd return to ask for some advice. Having done a lot of the heavy work with a very good therapist, now retired, and several thousand miles away, I am struggling to find one familiar with BPD abuse. While my past experiences are mostly resolved, they do inform how I view the world, and it can be exhausting having to explain that I wasn't in a relationship with someone who had a 'normal' approach to facts and feelings, etc. However, it is very hard to find therapists who specialize in this area. My experience is that if they work with BPD, sometimes they have BPD, which is re-traumatizing, and I can't find a good directory of this kind of specialism. I'm male, which puts me another smaller segment, but I don't feel that this should be an obstacle. Any suggestions? I'm based in the USA.

[Rebel13]

Hi orange809, what do you think about looking for therapists who work with "trauma" or "CPTSD" instead of "BPD"? I can see how using the term "BPD" might confuse the algorithm that you are someone with BPD looking for help with that.

I had really good luck using the Psychology Today Find a Therapist feature. You can search by geographical location, area of specialty, etc. Once you find a few possibles, I'd highly recommend seeing if they will do a free consultation with you. Look at their website or profile on PT and come up with some open-ended questions to ask them that don't necessarily give away exactly what you are looking for ("when you say "trauma-informed" therapy, what does that mean to you? what does a "trauma-informed" therapy session with you look like?"). This helps to ensure they're not telling you what they think you want to hear.

It's difficult to do that, because you're talking about therapy, and the impulse is to go in with your heart on your sleeve. It was important to me to figure out ways of surfacing red flags during the consultation if I could. At the same time, I was also doing a "vibe check" to see if the person's style and personality seemed compatible with what I was looking for.

I don't have experience with any of the online therapy apps like BetterHelp, etc., but some people have found help there.

Good luck! I really hope you find the help you need. A good therapist is a blessing. Unfortunately there are way too many terrible ones out there.

[orange809]

This is helpful, particularly the careful fishing. I tend to walk in too open...

The problem with PTSD is that almost everyone now claims to work with it. CPTSD isn't yet clearly defined and a lot of pwBPD identify as that. I spent the last couple of weeks doing consults and it can be draining. Got through to a session with one person who hadn't even read my intake form.

I've also had experiences where people said they worked with CPTSD/abuse and after a couple of months it's clear they didn't.

I don't want to use the apps - heard far too much from the therapist side about how bad they are.

Thank you!

[JustKeepTrying]

It is terribly difficult to find an in person therapist that works with you. I know that I had to walk away from labeling my narcexhusband to just focusing on my own issues - what do I need to strengthen and work on - and let the label go. Yes, it happened and when I switched therapists - for various reasons like they retired or I moved - I would give the briefest of backgrounds just focusing on the highlights. I wanted so much for validation for them or anyone to hear me - that gaslighting is real - but in the end, it's the after effects of gaslighting like self reliance and self trust that I needed to work on.

I did use the psychology today search tool to find all my therapists. I do know that my first therapist who specialized in EMDR was the best qualified to guide me through the worst of those post narc days.

Good luck and it is admirable that you are continuing and embracing therapy.

[orange809]

Thanks. I've gone through variations on that for a few years, but finding anyone who works with male survivors is incredibly hard. I think I've just found someone who really knows BPD and understood exactly what I was saying. Experts are invaluable but often don't take insurance - and I don't blame them. There's a lot of make-do involved.

[orange809]

And,having just written that, they called back - the initial consult went well - and said it wouldn't work because they successfully treat people with BPD, DBT is very effective, and that might trigger me, etc. Isn't a therapist meant to accept your view of reality and then work with it rather than start out telling you it's wrong? I did say that my experience was that many people with BPD denied that there was any problem, so those who will stick with therapy / DBT might not be a representative sample, but then they started saying that it sounded like I'd experienced NPD abuse because gaslighting is NPD not BPD? And that there's a 'dark triad' area which is very sinister? At least they called sooner rather than later.

The problem I have is that I feel that I know BPD well - or as much as a non-practitioner can. I can regulate/soothe/ground. Everything was a long time ago. But being mostly isolated and not really relating to people you meet - quite a few of whom seem disordered - is really alienating. Does anyone have any suggestions? I do think I need to work through some perspectives with someone familiar with abuse (as helpfully suggested already) but I just can't find anyone who isn't completely new or soon spins off into some personal theory of mental health that feels nonsensical.

[GoodPesto]

Hi orange809,

too bad this didn't work out but on the other hand it's better to know sooner than later. I thought about your question for a while because it seems that focusing on the BPD of your former partner does not get you far. I might be completely off, but maybe if you label it differently you might get what you are looking for. For example if you start looking for a therapist that focuses on domestic violence or get in touch with organisations around that subject, they might be able to support you further. I don't know about the US, but in Europe there is a growing awareness that men as well are being mistreated in intimate relationships and there are organisations that are solely helping men. One does not have to be physically threatened or attacked, emotional violence, financial violence e.g. count as well and some sort of violence is happening in most cases of toxic relationships.
Another approach could be to look for someone who is familiar with social anxiety and share with him what happened. I am sure there is a general understanding that social anxiety can be stemming from having experienced abuse.
I understand you are looking for someone who is familiar with what you've gone through due to the PD of your former partner, but maybe an empathic therapist who gets you is good enough to support you in the aftermath of your toxic relationship even if s/he isn't super informed about that special PD.
I can picture it even could be beneficial to share with a good-for-you but not-so-much-specialised-on-this therapist and have him/her mirroring when you tell him/her what was going on for you in this relationship and in which areas you would like support because of this. Someone who's not around BPD-abuse-stories everyday due to specialsation and has heard it all. Hope that makes sense.
Best wishes.

[orange809]

That is helpful and does make good sense. My immediate lesson is to scratch BPD from the search. One of the challenges for me is expressing (which perhaps means understanding in myself...) what I am in this respect. It is simply difficult finding a good therapist. I've chatted to so many over the last five years. Most of them want to impose a template rather than listen, and a few, when I explain my experiences, challenge them in a way that is re-traumatizing. In many ways I do simply need a good therapist.

[TimetoHeal]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, orange.  I totally understand.  I have had a hard time finding good therapists as well, and it seems like just as I do, they move or quit taking my insurance or something. 

I think I would sit down and write out what are the most important characteristics in a therapist for you.  Do you need empathy?  Mirroring?  Encouragement?  Pushing you out of your comfort zone or being more gentle?  Certain specific techniques such as EMDR?  I agree with maybe not going in looking for someone who is a specialist in BPD, because that probably means they work with people with BPD and are automatically going to defend them, and that will probably be re-traumatizing for you.  I am pretty certain my mother has uBPD, but I have had 2 therapists say they think she sounds like NPD, and I am okay with that.  There is a lot of overlap in the Cluster B disorders.  The important thing is my therapist gets that I had a crappy childhood and that it is still very painful to deal with my mother in the present day, and she validates me. 

Don't give up.  It's a lot like finding the right fit in a job or even like dating.  You may have to kiss a lot of frogs, as they say!  Not literally, but you get my point.   

[orange809]

Thank you, Time . Part of the challenge is that I'm not sure what I need, although someone who actually listened with empathy, encouragement, and an awareness of techniques like EMDR would probably work well. Awareness of BPD is enough. I agree about those who work with them - that's been the lesson of the last couple of weeks.

I, too, don't much care whether it is/was BPD or NPD. It's the nature of the abuse and the understanding that it wasn't a 'normal' relationship that matters.

The real problem is that I know that I need some help, and have now spent a month looking. I think I've left messages with everyone within 50 miles or so. About a quarter call back. One session where the therapist hadn't read the intake - that ended that. Another who doesn't take the insurance listed on their profile. The one I mention above. A consult with one who was in their early twenties and just didn't have enough life experience. Down to four people I hope call back (but historically one may) and one conversation this afternoon with the head of a practice of, again, very new therapists. That is pretty much it for my area. That's after trying every year or so to find someone and wasting money on a couple of months only to realize that they actually had no idea what I'd been through.

[orange809]

A note of optimism: I spoke to a clinic who work with survivors of dysfunctional families and individuals. A young team, but the owner responded to my question about the T's BPD client population by saying "most often the person with BPD does not seek therapy - the person affected by them does." Back to the real world, thank goodness. And I say that with no disrespect to those pwBPD who do see therapy. If the insurance clears it I may have found someone who can help.

Even years on it is still so mentally harmful to encounter Borderline behavior. The problem with looking for therapists is that you do have to be open to trusting them, and listening to them, even if you don't go in fully open. It makes the less stable ones dangerous.

[TimetoHeal]

This is a great update, orange!  I hope it works out!

You're right about it being a risk going into a therapy situation that you may be hurt all over again.  Give yourself permission to go slow in any new relationship, therapeutic or otherwise.

Also, and this is just my experience, but I am currently working with a very young and new therapist, and I was skeptical at first.  But so far, I am very encouraged.  She seems to have a natural gift, good training, and is being overseen by one of the senior therapists who has a ton of experience in domestic violence and other trauma.  It's going well for me so far.  It's a little awkward when I bring up something I'm experiencing and that I think it may be related to perimenopause, and she kind of looks at me blankly because she has no clue.  LOL.  But I am in online support groups where I can share about that issue, so it's good. 

[orange809]

Well, I'm a couple of sessions in, and I just had a strong reaction to the second session. Looking for help and suggestions here. The therapist seems to want me to just talk, and doesn't ask many questions about my background. I have asked for this approach. They are quite intense and seem set on telling me that my brain still sees patterns and is attracted to the wrong person and I'm actually years beyond that. My problem is a lack of meaningful ways to connect with people, not falling back into the same relationships.

I asked for book suggestions and they mentioned How to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse by Caroline Strawson. I listened to a few episodes of her podcast and spiraled for a few hours. It's all heavy influencer stuff, no curiosity, telling people what to do without any real clinical basis. It's also aimed at women, and I'm not a woman; the author only allows women in their groups. She says that men are abused, but the subtext (probably driven by marketing) is that this is a female domain. I have messaged this to the therapist, but I am concerned as this looks like pop / pseudo-science (brain science explained in a sentence etc.).

She also recommended What Happened To You? which seems ok but I've read many books like that and they are quiet basic and cover things I know pretty well. I can imagine a therapist saying 'your body doesn't know it' etc. but it's not new to me. I have a good understanding of my path and my challenges now are different.

Any thoughts? I am always wary of an urge to stop seeing a therapist but sometimes these sensations are correct. The problem is that it is simply hard thinking of having to look for someone new after the search described above.

[orange809]

A quick correction: I had asked for them to ask questions. They just didn't. More importantly, the follow-up communication made it clear I should find someone else. The line between firm boundaries and impersonal communication can be thin. Onwards with the search...

[mary_poppins]

Hi. BPD abuse causes c-PTSD and you need a therapist experienced in treating c-PTSD from personality disorders.
I wish I could help because I'm looking for the same thing. I keep fingers crossed for you so you could find one.

[GoodPesto]

I admire how you persistent you are in finding the right match for you instead of settling with what you got because you are tired of looking. You seem like a pretty self-reflected person to me, so it's probably a thought you had already but just in case you didn't and because it could be helpful: your "lack of meaningful ways to connect with people" will most likely show in your relationship with a therapist. Fingers crossed you will find someone who in case works through that with you. I think it's more about age/experience and some intellectual depth than about diagnosis.

[orange809]

That had occurred to me, but it helps a great deal to read it! I wish I had found a therapist who recognized that, too. Age is a factor in the more disruptive T contacts I've had. I can see that a lot of survivors become therapists, and I never quite know how much of their own work they've done, but there are still very good ones out there. Some combination of CPTSD understanding, experience, skills, and temperament is all I need. Life experience, too.

I think the challenge with this last one was that they had a very fixed process which they applied on the basis that the patient isn't actualized/sensitized, which I am. Better to know sooner than later, and on to the next...

Many thanks for your thoughtful contributions, all. Keep them coming!

[orange809]

Replying to myself, I guess, but I was reminded by the last encounter of a bad run with a therapist years ago who just didn't get what I was saying but kept me on for months. I think they had done a lot of work at rape crisis centers, and I imagine that that must affect your relationship with men in ways that are hard to imagine. So, perhaps the clinics or small groups (mostly female therapists) are really focused on female survivors and often those who survived NPD abuse, which is a lot easier to identify and in some ways simpler to treat. So, onwards, made more inquiries, and keeping myself open to experience (or a youngun' who just gets it), awareness of BPD and openness to the mess it can cause, and enough life experience to engage with what I want to do now, not what I didn't want to many years ago! Clarity slowly comes...