Dealing with a stressful family situation.

[RiverPurl]

I need to get some help and advice please.

My mother, I think she always had narcisitic tendencies. She is getting worse as she gets older and over the past number of years I am noticing stuff where I think she might have dementia.  There is so many things not right like easily angered, complusions, and so many more other things. 

I don't know if it's a personality disorder or dementia or what not.

I live in a country with a housing crisis and I live at home.

This summer my brother came home from abroad with his family. This morning he and his family left for the day and the minute they were gone, she went snooping in his space as per usual.  It's so hidden. She knows how to manage this behaviour and hide it.


Earlier this summer I was going through a particularly bad patch living at home with my mother.  She kept chucking my things.  Just dump, dump, dump, dump.  I did nothing to deserve this but this is a behaviour that is common in dementia where they can't recognise other people's belongings and they view it as trash. 


Eventually my energy came out all wrong and I did something awful.  It wasn't planned or anything.  My disappointment came out wrong.

I sent a bad note to one of her sisters/one of my aunties.  It was an anonymously pen letter. It wasn't a threatening. It was just insulting.   I knew it was wrong but I still did it.  I did regret it afterwards but what was done was done.

I was disappointed with my aunt because she stepped back from our family and she was talking to others without talking to us. It just came out wrong.

Things u folded in ways that I never knew.

She came to visit nearly a month ago to confront me in front of the whole family. She said the originals is with the police.

She recognised the writing and matched it from something genuine from before. She got it analysed.

I denied it at the time because she had me cornered in front of the whole family.

Over the weeks that followed I got calls from her. I didn't answer them because I was genuinely busy.  Work was very busy for me as it was all summer for me and I was approaching a place of burnout out. 

One of my siblings is home from abroad too and I was babysitting a lot too.   So if I wasn't working this summer, I was babysitting or dealing with my mother's moods too where she would target me alone.

I was genuinely in a place of burnout out where I need to step away from life to get a break.  I wasn't even allowed a holiday from work this year.  The only time off I got last year was when I was sick with covid.  The same thing again this year.

I got a message from my aunt and I explained to her that I am busy with work and family commitments and I can meet her for the first weekend of October.  She ignored this for nearly a week and then she replied saying the matter is with the police now and it's going public too.

There was nothing I could have wrote here to make things better and I didn't know what to say.  At that stage I got legal advice and just waited for the legal process.

Then a week passes and one of my cousins started going into my partners work place and targeting him with the same stuff that it's with the police and it's going public and they want me to talk.

The thing is I am currently sick and ill with covid again now too. 

This auntie has refused to meet me half way.  She wants everything on her terms and her terms only.

My back was up against the wall with work and family commitments and now sickness.

I was willing to meet and talk and confess to her and apologise but the earlies date would be next week. I know it would be hard.

At this stage, she says the matter is with the police so whybare they doing this.  I get a sense that it's highly emotional and charged from her side and I get a sense that it's not true justice that they are looking for. I get a sense that it's punishment and revenge and shaming and humiliation that they want along with a legal process too. 

I haven't responded to their recent tactics of targeting my partner in his job. That is just wrong. 

There is definitely some coercoin going on from her and her family to meet asap.

 

[Liketheducks]

What can the police in your country do for a letter that is "insulting"?   What is the worst case scenario here?

[RiverPurl]

What can the police in your country do for a letter that is "insulting"?   What is the worst case scenario here?

I think there was laws brought in 4 years ago in relation to offensive communications.  It mainly relates to threats about sharing intimate pictures and doing such an act but I think under the same law might be offensive communications. 

I wasn't aware at the time that there was a law. 

I knew it was one line and it wouldn't fall in under harassment with one line.

So the worst case scenario would be an investigation and a prosecution.

I was already talking to a solicitor and he likes my profile and he would be able to help me and try and reduce this to a caution for me.  So this is middle ground.


As it stands right now, I know resources in my country for the police is limited and it's possible that they are not taking this seriously or urgent.  It's possible that they will leave it in a file and do nothing.  I know investigating for them might be time consuming. 

I don't know what my position is now.  If I talk to this family member, and confess, it could be likely that what I say will give the police more substance for prosecution. They will have more to go on and have more for a prosecution.  If I say nothing to this family member, the police may not have enough to go any further.

I can't be certain for this.

I don't know what the position is any more. 

I know the threat was made to me a week and half ago and I still didn't hear anything from a policeman.  Nobody rang me or called to my door.

I do get an awful bad tone from my aunt and it's one of shaming and humililation and punishment.  That's what I am sensing.

I think it could be possible the police are not treating this as urgent and that could be annoying her and her family perhaps  where she wants to do her own interrogation mad punishments of me. I don't know.

I did get advice from my solicitor already and he said if the police came to me I have three options, say nothing, be honest or lie and he recommended not lieing.  The only option is to be honest with the police and he would hopefully be able to get a caution for me if it goes down that way.

He didn't really advice me how to handle the behind the scenes stuff and this level of harassment.  There is definitely coercoin going on right now from my cousins harassing my partner in his job.

I know I did wrong but this.....

[moglow]

If it were me:
I would apologize, in writing, and commit myself to no further letters or cards of any kind with this aunt or any other family member. I'd admit that it was wrong and I have no excuse for my behavior, and let the chips fall where they may.

Everyone does things they wish they hadn't, and we can't always erase them afterwards. If they take it to the police, they just do. If they bring it up again in front of the whole family, they just do. Yes, this is going to haunt you and will affect those relationships going forward. No, they're not likely to just let it go without another word.

It's done and you can't take it back. They've seen to it that everyone knows, and all that's really left to do is face whatever music they throw at you. All you can legitimately do is apologize and move forward.

If the situation were reversed, I'd say the same to anyone who sent you an offensive letter. We deserve better and have to do better going forward.

[NarcKiddo]

 

Although I would not be sending a letter to apologise or confess to anything. As you say, you could potentially drop yourself in further legal trouble IF you are in any legal trouble now, which I doubt. If I wrote anything I would call her bluff along the lines of "I am sorry I have upset you. Since you tell me you have referred this matter to the police my lawyer has advised it would be wrong to have any further communication with you on the subject. I will wait to see what the police have to say. Please note that [cousin] has been harassing [partner] at his workplace. This is completely inappropriate, especially given the matter has been put in the hands of the police, and I will be giving details of all the visits by [cousin] to the police when they contact me."

I don't know if your auntie is a PD, but I do know that my uNPD mother absolutely LOVES threatening to bring down the law on people. Every such threat she has made so far has been totally impossible for her to follow through as the law would not have been on her side or the police would not have been interested. But people tend to be scared when police or lawyers are threatened, so it is quite a useful tactic for her.

From what you say I am finding it hard to believe you have committed a criminal offence. Of course I do not know what the law is in your country. Where I am the police would be interested in a letter that makes a credible threat of personal harm or property damage. They would be interested in blackmail or extortion. They might be interested in harrasment but generally that would be a civil offence that you could be sued for but would not be a police matter. They might be interested if any letter making milder threats included any kind of hate speech, but even then they don't really bother with such stuff unless it is published online.

My guess is that this matter will not go away entirely but will remain only within the family, where she will shame you about it as much as possible. It's up to you how much public family humiliation you are prepared to endure.

[Rebel13]

I agree with NarcKiddo on this one -- I wouldn't put anything else in writing at this point, except, if pushed, something like, "Well, you say the issue is in the hands of the police and I'm sure they will be able to help you." Then I would stonewall any discussion of the situation with any family members, and encourage your partner to do the same. Unless you wrote anything illegal in your note, it sounds like your aunt is making a bigger deal than is merited. It also sounds like the police aren't jumping to do anything about it.

I'm really glad that you are acknowledging to yourself that you made a mistake. That is important for your own healing. I hope you can give yourself some compassion. "I made a big mistake. I went against my better judgment -- I knew I shouldn't write/send that note, but I did. Lots of people make mistakes though; I'm not the only one. I deserve to forgive myself." Or whatever thoughts or words make sense to you. It surely sounds like you are learning the lesson you need to, from this, and that you will not make a similar mistake again. Making mistakes is how we learn.

If you need/want to make amends, maybe talking to the police, if they show up, would be one way to do that. You could admit you wrote the note, that you knew it was a bad decision, you very much regret it (if only for the excuse it gave your aunt to stir up a bunch of drama!) and you won't do it again. If it was just a mean letter that didn't involve threats, I hope that would be the end of the situation.

Wishing you the best. I hope you can get some peace for yourself in all this.