Feeling trapped and hurt — need support leaving a toxic relationship

[ephemera]

Hi everyone,
I'm going through a really difficult time and need a safe place to talk. I've realized that I'm in a relationship that is emotionally abusive. My partner yells at me, disrespects me, and makes me feel worthless. I've stayed even though I could feel in my bones that this is not healthy, and I'm struggling with shame and guilt for staying as long as I have.

I also carry some guilt about past mistakes which makes it harder for me to trust my judgment and fully leave. I know logically that I deserve to be treated with respect and care, but emotionally it's so hard to detach and take action for myself.

I just need a place where I can share what I'm feeling without judgment and get guidance or support from people who understand what it's like to be in a toxic relationship.

Thank you for reading  ♡

[bloomie]

ephemera - welcome to Out of the FOG. I am thankful you have found the community and appreciate you sharing about the relationship that brings you here.

Things sound confusing and seriously hard right now. I am so sorry you find this level of emotional abuse happening in this relationship.

You are looking for support and insights without judgment and you have found the right place for that! As you continue to dive in here, take a look through the toolbox and resources found throughout the forum - we have book reviews and links to other online resources that members have shared that I find very helpful.

So often, I have personally found, we stay because we are looking for safety and to belong with someone special. It is within our nature to want to have someone to bear witness to our lives, and us theirs, in the most profound and intimate way. Letting go of that within a specific relationship we believed would bring us that... now that is deep work that requires compassion and understanding for yourself. I hope you will go gently forward in the coming days.

Settle in, and when you are ready join the conversations taking place on the forum threads! Again, welcome!

[JoeNeedsHelp]

Welcome, I am not the best person to give advice becasue I am in the exact same place.. and have been for decades... But this is a good place to be ..

[queenserena]

Hi and welcome. I'm also in a very similar situation that has lasted even longer. But it has taken me literally years after registering here to come back and participate in the forum.

I agree that you're in a helpful, non-judgmental community. It takes courage to reach out, and I hope we all can find mutual support.

[MaxedOut]

Ephemera, sorry to hear you are going through this. As mentioned, what keeps us stuck can vary (FOG, fear, obligation, and guilt are  usually up there). When I was in a similar situation as yours, I spent some time with a therapist specifically identifying those sticking points and talking them through. If you don't have access to a therapist, journaling (safely if your partner is prone to pry) could be a good option.

Digging in to get specific is super helpful "fear of what, exactly?" "What do you think might happen?" "Does not leaving prevent that?" "Are there ways to mitigate that fear?" "If it exists regardless and you know you need out, does delaying dealing with things make things better or worse?" Similar drill downs for guilt/shame and such. Talking through what the thing, exactly is, what parts are truer/valid, and "ok... what if... what then..." Was extremely helpful in helping me let go of some sticking points,  better assess others, plan for things, and give myself grace about why I was in an abusive relationship for so long. Even though it was about sticking points, it also gave more space for clarity of unacceptable stuff while not "going black" on my ex (I could still have understanding but get to no longer tolerating).

I know one of the books I've read included a dive into sticking points... maybe one of Dr. Ramani's (her focus is NPD but I think it's sort of the other side of the coin of BPD)?

[Rudedog]

Hi ephemera, maxedout, queenserena, joeneedshelp, and bloomie,

Saying hi to yall. Asked my husband for a separation today. Didn't mention narcissism or abuse but said that I lived in fear. Twenty years we have been together, and we have a 7 yo. I felt wonderful, strong this morning, but now am in disbelief that I am breaking my family up.

Anyway, I love him but I'll do anything to stop the cycle.

Hugs to yall and I'm glad to have found you.