Worries about friend(s)

[walking on broken glass]

I had a discussion with my therapist the other day about one of my oldest friends. We are close but she is not what I would consider a 100% safe person. She has some narcissistic tendencies, as she sometimes takes things very personally, and she can be antagonistic and competitive. I do talk to her about personal stuff, as she has known me for years, but I know that she is not always able to give me the kind of support I need. I happened to see her and her husband recently, whom I have only seen a handful of times and never liked, but this time I was actually concerned: he displayed several controlling behaviours and paranoia about little, insignificant things. The main pattern was him detecting 'sinister traits' in my friends' friends, which my friend supposedly was not able to see and he wanted to 'open her eyes'. Needless to say, there wasn't any truth in his claims. I had detected controlling behaviours before but this time it was much more obvious. He was with us the whole time and never left us time to catch up, just the two of us. The meeting was really unpleasant and stressful for me, to the extent that I felt tightness in my chest. I don't want to see him ever again and I worry about my friend. The therapist asked if I would be willing to talk to her about his behaviour but I don't think that's a good idea because she will take this as a personal attack, become very defensive, and will most likely tell him what I said. We discussed the fact that I find it hard to be direct with certain friends who score a bit higher on the narcissistic scale, and this is absolutely true: I have a couple of friends who demand more of my time than I am willing to give, and I have always dealt with them in a rather evasive, round about way. The therapist then asked me whether it's not frustrating for me to feel I have to strategize. It is of course frustrating and these relationships are not as easy going as my 'class A' friends, but they still bring some value to my life or I have known these people for years and I don't want to completely cut them off.

I was wondering if you have similar experiences with friends and whether you think that I should be direct with this specific friend about my worries. I am more inclined to wait for a window of opportunity to voice my concerns instead of doing this out of the blue. For instance, she had mentioned an incident with him a while ago, when he shouted at her in front of her friends and she was very upset because this had never happened before. My guess is it wasn't unfortunately a one-off and there will be something similar in the future. She might be more open to my input then, if she initiates the conversation.

[Catothecat]

Waiting until she opens the window for you to come through I agree is the best approach, brokenglass. 

I was once in a similar situation as your friend.  My uNPDex wanted to totally control me and that control extended to any relationship I had outside of my relationship with him.  He was critical of any friend I might have and would be critical of me in front of his friends (so they would see me as he saw me). He lived in fear that someone he had no control over would say something to me that would open my eyes to what was going on.  In the short term, he was successful because I was on the defensive over my rotten marriage.  I wasn't receptive to any criticism because I didn't want to believe anything was wrong. I actually knew there was, but it took me some years to get to the point where I could finally admit to how destructive his NPD behavior was.  I was like an addict who has to first admit they're an addict before any recovery can begin.  In someone who's in this situation who also has narc traits, that "ah-ha" moment might be a long time in coming. Right now I have a friend who I've kept at the casual level once I realized she has a similarly controlling spouse who also has berated her publicly, in front of others including me.  But she's also a narcissist so is always on the defensive.  She even told me about laughing off another friend who expressed concerns about the husband.  That was when I was certain nothing I said would get through, so started distancing myself.

It's a powerless feeling but that's just the way it is.  It's not about me, and it's not about you.  Ultimately, she has to work this out for herself and she may never be able to do that.  I don't see your unwillingness to deal with issues like this in a more straightforward manner as being evasive, as not being effective, because there really isn't much more you can do in people who aren't open to listening.  I would deal with the situation exactly as you have since there's only so much of your time and energy that you have to give.   

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks, Catothecat. I am glad you share my perspective and I am sorry you were in that position too