Have I done the wrong thing?

[Associate of Daniel]

My beautiful ds18 has his high school graduation dinner tonight.

I'm not going.

I'm really sad that I won't be there.  However, after many discussions with him, we both think it's probably best.

He doesn't (yet) understand the significance of the milestone, so is perhaps not as sad as I am.  I fear that he will one day realise and feel let down by me.

We both know that having me there with his uNPD father and uNPD smother would very extremely difficult. (It's a formal situation down dinner.)

Last I heard, his father is not attending:  He's interstate for work.

It feels hypocritical of me to say that he should be there.  Work can wait for such a significant occasion. But then I should also go, particularly if ds's father doesn't.

The difficulty is the uNPD smother.  She will undoubtedly go  and in a way, rightfully so.  She's been more involved with the school than I've been.  They live directly opposite the school.  I live an hour's drive away.

She will want to go to do the whole "Look At ME!" parade.

Several years ago, ds's uNPD father refused to allow him to see his paternal grandparents unless accompanied by his uNPD smother.  After the one and only time that happened, both ds and his Nan told me they loved seeing each other, but would never do it again with the uNPD smother.

Ds is now nearly 19 and I've referenced that occasion to explain that I feel the same way about his smother, hence my decision not to go to his graduation.

I've said I would go if she doesn't.  I HATE saying that to him. It puts him straight in the middle.  But I think he's old enough now to understand.

He also said that he doesn't think I should go, even if the others don't go.  The students and parents  according to him, are not my type (morally, politically or behaviour and interests wise).  That doesn't bother me - I can usually manage conversation with anyone - except uNPD exH and his uNPD wife!

So, from my latest conversation with ds  it appears he'll be attending his high school graduationtonight either alone or with his uNPD smother.  Not with his parents.

It's too late to change it.  I'll have to deal with the fallout in a few years when ds realises the significance of the occasion. But the guilt and the sadness is hard.

I can't wait for him to realise who the common denominator is in all the drama that has accompanied his life. I hope he either sets extremely firm boundaries around her or removes himself and any future family he may have from her.

Despite it all, he's become a wonderful young man.  I'm so thankful.

AOD

[Associate of Daniel]

Apologies for the mistakes. I am doing this on my phone and the screen won't scroll for me to make edits.

AOD

[square]

Congratulations on his graduation!

Your son seems like a practical lad, and he does not strike me as someone who sways back and forth in his feelings.

He may indeed later see more significance in the event (or he may not!). But even if he later sees more significance in the event, that is totally separate from changing his thoughts on what made sense in terms of you attending or not.

I see nothing in your statements today or in the past that suggest not taking him at his word over what he thinks makes sense.

Obviously I'm not your son, but for the record, I would have felt secure knowing my mother supported and cared about me and my graduation, and would not have needed her to attend. I might (or might not) have seen the event more significantly later, but the logic of my mother not attending would not have changed. Whether I just felt my mother's support overall was the important thing and the ceremony not particularly important to me, or if I just wanted a lower stress day where my smother did not clash with others, or some combination, I would be unbothered and content with my mother not attending under difficult circumstances while showing normal and appropriate acknowledgement of the milestone otherwise.

I'm not your son, but just sharing this to show that people can certainly think this way.

[Rose1]

It's rough but having done some of these events and having the whole thing taken over by the non participating parent and his parents taking front seats etc and pretending they actually had anything to do with my ds upbringing and success, i can tell you I'm so glad those days are over.

A suggestion. Get him a nice graduation present and go out and have dinner with him. He may enjoy you marking this occasion separately. We did this with my youngest and while she didn't really understand on the day she has looked back on the occasion and the fun we had. I hired a limo and we had my family and her sister only. and went out for a meal at the Gold Coast. It was great.

[verum71]

AOD - that is a very tough spot - also kind of a no-win situation.  It sounds like your son has a sense of the boundaries that are in place and why that is - that is a very good thing. 
Speaking from my own experience, any time I had to attend something for my kids - a banquet, an appointment, etc. and my BPDx was present, it was very uncomfortable and my kids were really caught in a loyalty bind.  I agree with Rose's approach - just tell them that you recognize their achievement and say "hey let's do this (fill in the blank) next week to celebrate. 

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, everyone - and sorry for the delayed reply.

I had mentioned to ds before the event that we could do something else to celebrate.

In the end, he attended on his own.  I am really cross and upset, even thought ds says he's ok with it.

His uNPD father stayed interstate for work.  His uNPD smother didn't go because she "couldn't find a dog sitter".  We all had several weeks to organise to be there.  I can't help thinking they both deliberately delayed saying they weren't going just so that I didn't go.

I texted ds a few times in the lead up asking him what was happening on the night and he didn't reply.  It's not unusual for him to not return my texts but I wish I'd known he would be attending on his own.  I would have braved going to the city and sitting with a bunch of people I've never met for several hours to support him.

I think he enjoyed the night with his friends but didn't enjoy the noise level and crowd.

Anyway, we are in discussions about how we can celebrate - hopefully we can do something next week.  But it will take a while for me to calm my anger on this one.

Thanks for your support.

AOD

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ugh that's just crap. I'm so sorry. From your discussion with your son it seems like you and he should be fine. He wasn't taking it personally that you were protecting your own sanity by not sharing the event with smother. But that you were pushed out and smother chose to spend the evening with her dog... RUDE! I would be angry too.

It is such a consolation of growing up that high school and all its attendant drama can just fade away into the distant past.

[Rose1]

Oh I would be angry too. Your gut feeling is probably completely correct. There's a lot of nasty revenge often with a pd for things you really have no idea about.

I'm sure your son will see this as he gets older. Have a wonderful time with him when you do your own thing.

[Associate of Daniel]

I feel so guilty.  I should have just gone.

AOD

[escapingman]

AOD, do not feel guilty. With PD people you can never win, whatever you do they can or could do anything to trip you up (on purpose or not doesn't matter). You protected yourself and your son from a potential confrontation. Well done. I would have done the same.

 

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Escaping Man.

It's been lovely to be no contact with ds18's father for 12 months. However, I wonder if I should have contacted him regarding the graduation.  Maybe ds could have had one of us there if I had.  However,  more than likely, there will have been stupid, manipulative games played by him and his uNPD wife and it will have been an even more stressful leadup than it was.

I'm still trying to pin ds down to organise a celebration with him...

AOD

[GoodPesto]

Hi AoD,

I've been following your thread and would like to share a thought with you. It's bordering to be an unsolicited advice so feel free to ignore it completely. Putting myself in the shoes of an 18-year old with seperated parents and such a difficult family dynamic, I think it would be a relief for him if you dropped the subject for now instead of trying to "pin him down". It must have been at least very uncomfortable if not painful for him to have many discussions about that evening beforehand, coming to terms with you not joining the event because of the others attending and in the end ending up all by himself that night, because the others opted out as well. I understand how unhappy you yourself are about how things went and I agree with escaping man who said that you can't win with PD people, so there most likely was no way for you spent that evening with your son only ... could be they would have caged the dog and risked their job to be there in case you had said you would attend.
It's completely understandable that you would like to celebrate that milestone with him and I am sure your intentions are coming from the right place. But I think it would offer your dear son, this teenage-boy, some relief if you do not push him towards the subject. I'd say keep it a bit lighter and once you see each other next time you could surprise him with whatever you come up with to show him what you'd like to show him. Otherwise you would to my mind risk to put the relief of your difficult feelings over easing his pain. He is 18-years old and although he might not be able to articulate it until much later if ever, this must have s*cked.
I hope it's okay to share this thought with you. Best wishes

[Associate of Daniel]

Thank-you, Good Pesto.  I appreciate your perspective.

AOD

[Associate of Daniel]

An update:

Ds and I ended up having a fancy meal at a fancy local winery to celebrate.  We had a lovely time.  I ended up spending about the same amount of money as I would have, had I gone to his graduation (a lot, given my low income).  However, I didn't have to buy a new outfit or travel into the city.  And I got to spend uninterrupted time with my boy 

AOD

[Poison Ivy]

Hurray!