The isolation of NC is feeling like nobody even knows who I am

[Blueberry Pancakes]

A cousin and his wife are coming in from out of state this weekend for a local event. It has me a bit on edge because he has no clue that I have been No Contact with my sister for several years and VVVLC with parents. I started to explain once, but I saw his eyes glaze over and he went silent, so I just stopped in my tracks.   
   
We lost contact in our teens. As adults, our connection has been mostly via social media with an occasional visit every few years. We get along well. Neither of us have extended family besides each other. I sort of always thought his interest in me was only that it made him feel connected to a larger "family". It had nothing to do with who I am as a person or genuine interest in me. I am sure he does not want to be a listening ear to our dysfunctional drama.   
   
On a separate note, my husband has two sisters who have repeatedly asked me to arrange a lunch with my elderly mother who is in assisted living. They met my mother on holidays but were never close to her. They have no clue I have been NC to VLC with her for years. I am unsure why they have interest in her now. I recently said, "There are complications, but I will let you know when there is a good time." I hope they back off. One of them mentioned she had a falling out with a friend recently, then said how her friend does not even speak to her own siblings so it must mean that there is something wrong with her. I just winced at what she would think of me if I ever explained my life. 

All of this leads me to say that being No Contact, and surviving all the dynamics that led to it, makes me feel completely unknown. No one can even appreciate who I am. I think to others I am just a smiling face that listens to them talk all the time and never argues.

Is this common?

[Poison Ivy]

I have reduced my contact with one of my siblings. It's not that I refuse to talk with him or see him, but I don't go out of my way to talk with him or see him, either, even though he lives only a few blocks away. He presents himself as being helpful but he's not reliable. It's hard to explain and I think I come across as not being a good person if I go into it with other folks, so I don't.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I feel you, Blueberry. Certainly the part about just being a smiling face strikes a chord. I have cut off two entire family systems because it was absolutely necessary. My DH and I are left just trying to make a way for our FOC. We've done very well, but gosh wouldn't it just be nice to receive support sometimes! Or to have some people who can reliably give it! Sometimes we do, but there is necessarily the expectation of give and take which I can't always reciprocate given my personal limitations. I haven't really met anyone who is interested in filling in that missing support, not that I blame them, but yeah I really don't think that the average person is capable of looking at the family support they have and putting themselves in my shoes. From stuff like your car broke and you borrowed your dad's for a few days to regular help with childcare to someone willing to listen to you... if I want any of that, I pretty much have to be able to do the same thing for someone else. And usually I have to go first, and I can't be too disappointed when people just aren't available because I am just not a very high priority to anyone else generally speaking. And I have to be a smiling face so I don't scare off my support system!

With our "natural" family support system at absolute zero, I feel that same always approaching life from a handicapped place, of having to apologize for my position of having a lack of support, that my experiences are simply incomprehensible and nobody really is interested in appreciating my perspective anyway. Unless they are similarly handicapped and then well then they have their own burdens and don't have bandwidth to help me anyway! 

My DH and I can really only depend on ourselves. I do sometimes feel really inauthentic because I just mostly keep all my feelings and shit related to my childhood, NC, all the stuff on this forum, just out of view. It's just not fit for polite society. I do have a couple of precious friends with whom I can be my real self, but they can't fill the hole either.

The fact is that family just is not replaceable. I'm not anyone's daughter or sister or cousin anymore and that kind of cuts me off from the human race. I have daughters, but the whole identity as derived from relationship thing doesn't work from future generations. My mother tried that, and here we are.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Poison Ivy and Cordelia. Yes, I also think it would come across as not being a good person to others to go into any details, so best to remain silent or keep it only in safe spaces such as this.
   
I suppose some things just are irreplaceable and will leave an empty space and perhaps that is OK. Maybe I do not have to fill it and can let it be what it is. Sometimes, yes, I do want to look around me and see a room filled with loving faces, but when I take a moment and breathe, I realize I would not really be looking in the right place.  Thank you. 

[Liketheducks]

I feel this.   Mom maligned me to anyone in my family who would listen to her.   The only people who "get it" have also been discarded by her and that's a fairly small group.  I had random cousins messaging me on social media saying that they couldn't stand to see me happy knowing what I've "done" to my FOO. 

We used to attend large family reunions, seeing extended family once every couple of years.  I just don't feel comfortable being in those spaces any more.   The last time I attended one, I felt very self-conscious.   It is like there is an elephant in the room that everyone knows about, except for me.   

So, my husband and I have created a family of sorts with close friends and neighbors.   We can rely on them.   I can rely on my surviving brother and he can rely on me.  He's so NC he doesn't want to be informed when our parents pass.   It is heartbreaking.   

[walking on broken glass]

I understand the feeling of isolation too, Blueberry Pancakes. It sucks, some days more than others.

To be honest, I was never really close with the extended family; some of them are not nice people, while others have some very old-fashioned and conservative ideas that don't align with my worldview, so we were never able to click. That was another reason I was berated by my parents, that I didn't make any effort to 'connect with family'. I never understood why I had to, when they were not particularly nice to me and I didn't like them. And of course all of them are in the FOG. Even before the rift with my mum, the only relatives I looked forward to seeing were my dad's sister and her husband, and the others I kinda put up with, if they were imposed on me. So, except for my aunt, I don't miss any real connection with these people, but it still bothers me that they think ill of me. But, on the other hand, I am very proud of the connections I have built outside the family. I have people who know the real me, with whom I am not afraid to be myself and who are happy to offer their support. And I am also grateful for online communities like this one What I am trying to say is not that you shouldn't feel the way you are feeling, but that you can perhaps treat your scapegoat status as a sort of badge of honour and wear it with pride: there is a reason why you are not mixing with that crowd and that reason is because you value healthy, genuine connections. They don't.

As to what to say to people who ask about family, I have decided that I won't let myself be embarrassed and hide. The shame should all be on their side, not mine. So, I am more open these days to just saying the truth and letting people deal with it the way they want. I won't give unnecessary details or volunteer information if there's no need but I refuse to be ashamed and put in a corner.

[Lillith65]

I refuse to be ashamed and put in a corner.

That is such a powerful position WOBG.

Since I have returned to contact with my uPD mother it has become clear to me just how much shame I was carrying.

I know that others have no understanding of what my family was like growing up and what they are like now. Before I was discarded by extended family after I went NC, I was often frustrated with the comments about what a great dad my father was, and how much fun Uncle A (my dad) was (uNPD and rage-aholic, died in 2017).  I am so used to sitting tight lipped and angry 

When I do attempt an explanation I keep it very simple, and say that my family was/is difficult and that it is complicated. By complicated I mean for others, as we all know here, it's quite straightforward - they are abusive and manipulative.

[Call Me Cordelia]

WOBG, that's where I am too. It's a fact of my life. Not something I choose to bring up, but background information and it helps to not make it a weird shameful secret.

When I lost all connection there wasn't a relationship to grieve so much as the idea of belonging, the formal death of an always feeble facade. It feels more like stepping into reality and acceptance of what is. Nobody ever knew who I was, my family never cared, but I'm finding out now and some people do care!

[Adria]

Blueberry Pancakes,

I so get it.  I feel like I've been invisible all my life.  Wonder if I'll go to the grave feeling that way.  Nobody understands. Nobody cares to understand. Feel like I'm walking this planet like a ghost.  I'm sorry you feel this way, along with many others here. I guess we are in good company. But, sometimes it's really hard. Hugs, Adria