Everything I Said, Shall and Will Be Used Against Me

[Abigail.2025]

For two days, I've been trying to talk to my husband about how his family treats me. As a result, his mask slipped. He knows exactly how they treat me—he just doesn't care. It's as if his family of origin is a cult, and I'm merely the servant. In his eyes, they can do no wrong. When they treat me poorly and I either speak up or step back, I'm the one who gets punished.

"Apologize to my sister for distancing yourself from her," he says. But he never sees how his sister treats me. It's like trying to reason with a cult member about their leader.

One thing I can't seem to get through my head is this: I can't talk or reason with my husband. He won't change. I've learned that people with personality disorders don't talk to solve problems or hear constructive criticism—they argue to win and to dominate.

Another painful lesson: they will use anything and everything you say against you. Every word becomes ammunition.
And if I ever left him, I know exactly what would happen—he'd launch a full-blown smear campaign, twisting every truth until I was the villain.

For example, I believe that any form of abuse—especially toward a child or infant—is absolutely unacceptable. I once worked with a woman who often portrayed herself as a victim, and I initially felt compassion for her. I went out of my way to help her, doing far more than was expected of me, but eventually her behavior revealed a very different side.
She had taken a job out of state and temporarily moved in with me as a roommate. During that time, I discovered she was involved with a married man from work—a man whose wife had recently given birth and was nursing an infant. Before moving in, she had disclosed to me that she carried a communicable disease, though not HIV, and I appreciated her honesty at the time. However, when she wanted this man to stay overnight, I refused, telling her my home was not a place for that kind of situation and that she needed to be honest with him about her health condition, given that he had a wife and a newborn at home.

That conversation caused a rift between us, and her demeanor toward me changed immediately. Soon after, she began creating tension at work and complaining to apartment management about me. Despite her attempts to damage my reputation, my apartment manager—who had known me for years as a reliable tenant—stood by my record of integrity. I chose to let her leave the lease peacefully, simply wanting to move on from the drama.

Looking back, I realize that my anger at her behavior stemmed from a sense of moral outrage and betrayal. I had shown kindness, but she had crossed serious ethical lines that violated my core values. In hindsight, the experience taught me an important lesson about boundaries, integrity, and the dangers of extending trust too freely to people who manipulate sympathy for personal gain.

On her last day in the apartment, I was furious and acted out of anger. It wasn't something that caused her harm, but it was petty and beneath me, and I regret it. What still hurts is that my husband condemned me for that moment, yet showed no outrage toward what this woman did to that man's innocent wife and child. His lack of empathy for the real victims still troubles me.

I've come to realize that everything I've ever shared with my husband can—and likely will—be used against me. I understand the concept of maintaining a medium chill approach, but it's difficult to practice consistently with him. It's painful to admit, yet I can no longer confide in him the way I once did. I deeply regret having revealed so much of myself to someone who doesn't value my vulnerability.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to the club Abigail, many of us have revealed vulnerabilities to people who are not trustworthy.

It seems to me that your husband is not willing to see your side or support you. That is sad and not something we want in a romantic relationship. You might need to grieve that realization. And accept it and adjust your behaviour accordingly.

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry you experienced this messy situation with a friend and coworker, and more so for what it might reveal about your marriage.

What stands out to me is that your spouse might have been getting enough narc supply from the friend to overlook any fault she had in the matter.  It also might indicate he has no anchored core values.  He might view everything on a sliding scale and based on circumstances etc.

That he did not at least acknowledge your viewpoint is not great. 

How sad that you find a need to hold back from the person you should be able to trust more than any other with your truth. 

[MaxedOut]

My ex's pattern was not "Apologize to my sister for distancing yourself from her." It was more like cut x person out of your life because they angered me, or you tell them why they are awful (acting as a puppet/flying monkey with zero tolerance for how I talk to people/think about conflict).

Both are flip sides of the same coin: controlling partners in regard to third parties, expecting us to mirror their reality, being a tool for their reputation management with others, using these things to attack/demean us.

I was able to stop or curb a fair amount of that using a few approaches. Getting involved in talking, explaining, etc. never worked well. Short clear statements did better. E.g. "You are responsible and in charge of your relationships with others. I am for my relationships." "I decide who I spend my time and energy on. I understand that may be distressing when it comes to people in your family. But we each get to make those decisions ourselves. I do, your sister does. You do." "I am not ok with apologizing because someone else tells me to. I don't give or want to receive coerced apologies," "I understand you see this situation differently and feel differently than I do. We've talked about it and it's something we are just not going to feel the same about. I am not trying to change how you see things and I respect your perspective. Please do the same."

[downwiththefog]

Yes, PDs will use anything said to them in confidence as a weapon to get their way.

My uPDw is in full discarding phase and is constantly saying mean things to me,
from insults to calling names to tease my search for support and leaning on a friend.
Tonight among many other abuses she went from making fun of my bald head as ugly and disgusting, to suggesting that I searched support of a friend because I was attracted to him in a gay way (I'm straight).

I had to stop turning at her for support in any stressful circumstance. Grey rock/medium chill and conversations devoid of substance are often what is left. so sad.

[MaxedOut]

 
My ex was normally pretty good about not weaponizing things said in confidence, known soft spots, etc. The run of the mill verbal and emotional abuse was her own attacks.

Until she reached a certain level of angry, and then out-of-bounds stuff was wielded purposefully and cruelly. Not just to me but to family and friends. Including 3rd party disclosures (e.g., disclosing something sensitive a sibling said about their spouse's family to the spouse to hurt them, something one friend said about another used to hurt that other friend).

Sometimes she'd apologize/feel it wasn't ok, but as often if not mostly would basically feel anything was warranted because of what she felt the other person did (spoiler: this was extremely skewed and usually pretty typical humans-trying-their-best sort of stuff that my ex perceived as epic betrayals) or was reasonable because of how much pain/suffering she was in at the time (unrelated to the other person's actions).