Stuck

[Deby64]

OK, it's been a while since I've written but once again I'm feeling stuck. As most of you know, I left my UPDH about 3 1/2 months ago. I really enjoy the peace I have from living in my own home however I continue to have contact with him. I've attempted no contact several times and fail because he Hoover's or love bombs. I haven't divorced yet the attorney said I still love him so that's why I haven't pushed through with the divorce. I believe I haven't pushed through with the divorce because it's more complicated than it looks as some of you know I continue to pay the mortgage in the house he still lives in, and I paid my own rent in the house that I now live in. I don't know if I continue to hold onto the hope that he will change because my rational mind knows he will not. Everything continues to be my fault even when he's trying to be loving and caring. It's my fault, that we are at this place. He's asked what he did wrong, when I attempt to explain, he crashes out, starts to rage and has no willingness to own any part of his responsibility. I've lived with this for 40+ years and it's plan insanity that I can't unbond from this sickness and walk away. I am thinking of going to file for divorce tomorrow. The only reason will be to send a message. I'm done, I will not return to the house if sickness. I think not moving on the divorce gives him a false sense of hope. I feel like I'm sending mix messages by engaging with him🤷🏾�♀️ He continue to disrespect me with his yelling and accusations, I just don't take them personal and let him vent then hang up or walk away.
Guess I'm wondering if I'm crazy for living like this.

[Poison Ivy]

Hi, Deby. I recently read an article titled, "The Rise of the Professional Narcissist." Sam Vaknin, a "professional narcissist," is quoted in the article. "He [Vaknin] tells me about a woman he met with recently whose boyfriend wouldn't stop cheating on her. 'She was boo-hoo crying,' he says. Putting on his 'narcissist hat,' as he calls it, he imagined himself in the position of her boyfriend and told her what he would do. He would keep cheating on her, he said. 'If it's so bad, why do you keep taking me back? It's like you're signing a permission slip for me to do it again.' He tried to help her understand that narcissists respond only to consequences. Forgiveness, he says, is actually a form of encouragement."

[square]

Great post, PI.

[notrightinthehead]

Hi Deby, I have been married to a narcissist for 34 years,  actually still married for now, though in the third(!!!) year of divorce proceedings. Divorce for me is not easier than marriage was.

Even though I had a good idea what I was dealing with after about a decade of marriage, I found it incredible difficult to draw the consequences. Because hope remained for so many years. And I was used to the abuse. And I had lost contact with myself. Everything turned around him, there was one drama, one need after the other - I did not even know what I wanted or who I was anymore. I think of it like an addiction. Even though I knew I had to get out, I seemed to be unable to do so. I am telling you this because I understand that you give in again and again.

For me the Toolbox was a great help, medium chill and JADE - not getting involved. Not taking his calls. Not engaging. 

It seems you are making his life comfortable still - is there any way you can get out of the morgage payments? Or evict him - since he is not paying rent? You have no reason to make his life comfortable since he does not respond in kind. He makes your life miserable,  what can you do to stop supporting this behaviour?

Good luck and let us know what you decide.

[Rebel13]

Hi Deby, to me you seem like a very proactive person! I think extricating oneself from any difficult relationship goes in stages. Before, you didn't feel ready to divorce -- it sounds like maybe now you do! So you are moving into the next stage of your process. You have so much knowledge and awareness of the dynamics with your husband. I think you are right that he still thinks he has a chance to win you back. He may never stop thinking that and trying different methods -- but it seems like his true colors always shine through in the end. What's important is that you take the actions that feel right to you, to protect yourself and your peace.

I also think that the more you are away from him and his manipulations, the clearer your thinking will become. It's hard to heal from abuse or think clearly when you are still being berated and harangued regularly.

Still rooting for you!

[Deby64]

As always, the support and understanding I receive from you all is amazing and helps keep me sane and open minded. The reason I continue to pay the mortgage is because I took a loan out on our home when it was paid off to get myself out of debt. Of course he doesn't see his part of the debt and that's ok, I knew he wouldn't. The house is in my name alone, he had to sign for the refinance because this is a community property State. Of course in his sick mind, he did me a favor. Reality is I could have forged his name and kept him out of the loop. But God. I'm really studying the Grey Rock method and JADE, haven't mastered either one yet, I take the bait every now and then and get knocked back. My little brother who also has some traits has been very helpful in sharing his thoughts on my actions. He tells me what my husband is most likely thinking with each move I make. He is showing me how my behavior is a permission statement for continuing to be verbally and emotionally abused. Rebel, I see the stages clearly. I do believe I'm making progress towards the final stage. It's the freaking unrealistic hope that stays in my way. I truly believe what stops him from really acting out is the fact that I am paying for the roof over his head and on some level he knows if I stop he would be SOL. The loan is in my name alone so I'm paying to save my credit. I'm getting to a place where I'm gonna sell it and be done. That too is a hard call to make since we worked so hard for it. Thanks for allowing me to share without judgement. I've got to be more intentional of my own self care. I've been conditioned to take the disrespect that sometimes it goes unnoticed. That's where my brother has been a Godsend.

[MaxedOut]

"I'm getting to a place where I'm gonna sell it and be done."

I am glad that you are considering options, Deby. I think you have talked to a lawyer, right? If you want to keep the house, then routes to make that happen make sense. And stuff like no contact and lawyers can make it happen without him working overtime to manipulate and control you.

And if the house is not a priority then selling really seems like a good way to resolve a lot of things. Though still lawyers are important; I had to buy out my ex for more than half the home's value even though I was the one who paid the vast majority of costs and the title and mortgage are both in my name. I say this not to discourage as that cost just generally increases over time; and it may be that you would face having to take out a much larger mortgage to pay him out if keeping the home-which loops right back to selling being a potentially good option. And no reason to drag things out.

[Deby64]

MaxedOut, thanks for your support. Like I mentioned earlier I'm stuck back in the FOG, I'm not going back in the home with him, that's one thing I secure in knowing. Everything else is a blur. Toxic Bond at its core🤦🏾 42 years is hard to watch go down the drain, but the feeling sorry for him is what's blowing my mind. Why, with his disrespectful azz.

[Rebel13]

Because you are a kind, caring person who can feel empathy for others. That's a good thing. But feeling compassion for someone doesn't dictate action. (It took me a long time to learn that!) You can feel compassion, caring, even love for someone, and recognize that they are not good for you to be around. You can protect yourself. What I say to myself about such people is "I release you to your highest good." I've also heard things like "May all beings have peace" (this includes anyone who's causing problems even if you can't bear to wish them well specifically) and I'm sure you can think of something similar that reflects your personal/spiritual values.

Take care of you!

[Poison Ivy]

I didn't use the words "I release you to your highest good," but when I was contemplating divorce in 2015 (divorce was finalized in 2016), it was easier when I realized that staying married was bad for both me and my then husband. He was never going to change to be the husband I wanted him to be, and it was unfair for him to keep him in a relationship that could not succeed.

[Rebel13]

That's so thoughtful, Poison Ivy -- that maybe letting someone go gives them a chance to find a relationship that's better for them.

Deby, I just listened to this podcast and I thought it was all pretty interesting. But in Chapter 4, particularly, they talk about separating/having boundaries with other people's distress. The circumstances are someone who's a therapist not wanting to bring client problems home with her, but I found the discussion about empathy vs compassion and the strategies for how to work on a problem like this quite helpful. I have a friend who struggles a lot and I have to work at not rescuing, not helping, not giving advice, etc., because none of that has made the friendship or the friend's circumstances better. So the discussion helped me, and I thought of your message here too.

[Deby64]

Thanks Rebel, going to listen to the podcast now🤞🏾