Mom Died, Dad Doesn’t Want To Be Alone, Snaky Sibling Manipulates

[LikeTheSea]

My dBPD mother died 6 months ago. I (female) was the target/scapegoat growing up, my dad the enabler, and my golden child older brother is either on the spectrum or is NPD/BPD while exaggerating being on the spectrum for sympathy?

My mother needed my brother to be all-smart and all-good and used a lot of PR within our extended family to make it appear that way. I don't remember my brother that much growing up. He was not around, spending all his free time away in his bedroom. He did find time to be verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me. My dBPD mom could see that my brother had issues and I didn't. I know that enraged her and she took it out on me. I went the route of being the all-good child, doing the right thing by working very hard to defy and rebel against having the problem child label slapped on me by mom.

That's been the history of my life in my family. I've been the able, responsible person while being viewed as the opposite. I'm sure I'm not alone with this strange distortion.

My dad is 92 and needs someone to be with out of loneliness. He's in great shape otherwise - he needs no help in many areas. He can cook and take care of his grooming/hygiene needs. He's as sharp as a tack.  The problem is he can't drive due to anxiety and is frail. He can't walk for more than a few minutes.

My brother lives with my dad but does nothing to help. He's out working, going to bars, out to dinner and stays in his room when here. I'm here 75% of the time. I give support, company and compassion. I clean and take out the trash - chores my brother is too "important" to dirty his hands for. I go nowhere and have no life. I spend the other 25% at my home 50 miles away. My place is falling apart.

I want to work, I want a life. I used to work. I want to fix my house and my life. I've spoken to my brother about telling me his schedule and he says he will give it to me but doesn't. He says to work if I want to but doesn't nothing to cooperate with me about schedules. He does what he wants when he wants. He's threatened violence against me and has made it known he plans to take ownership of my parents house when my dad dies.

I don't know how to get out of this obligation and how my snake of a brother maneuvered this scheme to be in his favor. He has an easy job in a nonprofit. He's that guy who knows how to throw coworkers under the bus to enrich himself. He's doing it to me.  I don't know how he has the conscience to get away with any of it.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Like the Sea,

I 100% identify with the responsible child who is made to be the careless, irresponsible one. Don't let your dad and brother dictate how to live your life. It's not your job to make your dad happy. Your job is to make yourself happy! You know what you want to do, so start thinking that it wouldn't be the worst idea if you went ahead and did it. Don't be the fixer and the rescuer. Your dad can get by without you and you definitely need to be miles away from your abusive brother. Depending on the relationship you have with your dad, you can talk to him and say that it's time you went back home for good, looked for a job and looked after your life, which has been put on hold. Tell him you will care for him from afar but you can't extend your stay and you cannot go back and forth all the time. Tell him your presence is not actually required since your brother lives there with him, and you can just chat with him over the phone. If he complains, so be it. I wouldn't notify the brother about my plans as he doesn't share his plans with you.
What you feel right now is bitterness and resentment - and rightly so! Think of how much lighter and happier you will be be once you go back to your place and focus on your life.

As for the inheritance, if the house is made out to the both of you, I can't see how your brother can just take it for himself. If your dad plans to pass it on just to him, there's not much you can do, and you don't really want to get involved in a long battle about inheritance. It will eat your soul. Try to build an independent life from your family so that you don't depend on them for finances, and your paths are not entangled. Take it from someone whose paths are very much entangled with my uBPD sister and it will be a nightmare once my mum passes away.

[lkdrymom]

You admitted your father is capable but lonely. And your brother lives there so he won't be alone.  Get a job and use that as an excuse to have a life. You can still visit Dad but cut way back.  Stop doing their chores, that doesn't help, it enables them.  He can only take over the house if Dad leaves him the house, and it that is the case all the more reason for you not to be maintaining it.  It is not worth it.

[Danie]

I have somewhat a similar situation with a mom and sister. My mom is in her house and my sister lives 2 miles away. She hired a caregiver that comes 4x a week. I don't need to share any more details about that, but I wish I could love my mom at this point and it eats at me that I see her days are numbered and I still cannot connect with her or really care for her in a satisfactory way. She is NPD and my sister does a lot of things to cause A LOT of problems.
Anyway, back to your issue. Can you just tell both of them what you're willing and able to do? That's what I did. I said: order groceries online and that's it. Of course both of them have tried to gaslight/punish me for having a boundary, but I stick to it.
As far as the house and inheritance. When my grandmother died my mom had been in charge of her estate and took it all before she actually died. It was about a million dollars - I kid you not. Is your brother in charge of the money? If so he could be taking it now. Once a person dies POA stops immediately and they can no longer write checks or use bank accounts. By the time my grandma passed my mom had everything in her name that was supposed to go to 5 grandchildren. I tried to contest it, but got nowhere. There is a period of "inventory" between the death and distributing the will and the house and that's when you could get involved. In my case it was too late.
I am trying to document stuff now before my mom dies. I tricked my sister with a text and said, "It's all half mine, right"? She wrote back and said yes and I kept the text. I think I am going to document more stuff - pics. There is a house that will be split, but my sister is using mom's money to fix it now, possibly for her to live in. I'm not going to fight anything. The first time I did was horrible.