Being yourself

[walking on broken glass]

My therapist said something to me that gave me pause. I was telling her how I have been always trying to keep the balance in my family of origin, and how, if something was demanded of me, I never had the luxury to say outright 'no, I don't want to do that' but had to couch my answer in more diplomatic terms, bring up reasons, that would be often questioned, and, in general, strategise. I hadn't realized how much this strategising had become a part of my personality, also with colleagues and friends, until the therapist pointed it out to me. After I went no contact with my mum and stopped worrying about what she would think of me and whether there is a way to get through to her, I feel that this strategising doesn't serve me anymore. I am now trying to let go of others' expectations of me and my behaviour, of wanting to prove that my motives are pure, and worrying about what they will think. Not to say that I am turning into a psychopath with no empathy but that I am consciously trying to express myself in a more authentic way. It's very liberating. I wonder if others have felt something similar.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Goodness yes, I completely understand. I have a friend, who is a good friend, but she asked me to go jogging with her at 0'dark-thirty when there are rats out and it's cold and I'm struggling with sleep as it is, and I have little kids who are likely to wake up and my husband starts work around that time...

I drafted an embarrassing number of responses before I finally deleted it all and just said, "No thanks, that doesn't work for me." And it was completely fine! There was no fallout! All this emotional work I can just not do anymore! Is this how normal people are just all the time? Doing what works for them and not thinking about it???

[walking on broken glass]

Is this how normal people are just all the time? Doing what works for them and not thinking about it???

This is what I have been thinking too! It must be nice!