MIL

[Abigail.2025]

On this site, there should be a category entitle - Trying to Escape!

   This is what I'm going to do to neutralize the damage my mother-in-law has on me—especially through my husband.
Whenever I tell him that his mother is abusive and that I want very little to do with her, he gets all butt-hurt, throws on his armor, and climbs onto his white horse to play her knight in shining armor against me the vile dragon.
To put my reaction in perspective: none of the other daughters-in-law have anything to do with this woman. Even her own husband checked out about eleven years ago. They live like roommates now, and it's obvious my father-in-law despises her. My husband's ex-wife didn't want anything to do with her either—and most of the grandchildren avoid her whenever they can.

When she worked, most of her coworkers couldn't stand her. She was that coworker—the broomstick witch who got into everyone's business and acted like she ran the place.

So, my feelings of disgust aren't abnormal.

My personality-disordered husband, who was raised in this kind of crazy, sees it but normalizes it. In his mind, Mommy Dearest can do no wrong—everyone else is the problem.

This woman is a master of triangulation. Any chance she gets, she uses it to divide and conquer her family. The only one who sees through it is her daughter. The rest of the kids are blind to it—or too afraid to admit what's happening.
Here's how she triangulates my husband against me: she calls me to provoke and verbally abuse me, hoping I'll react and complain to my husband. Meanwhile, she's feeding him narcissistic supply—offering praise, gifts, and promises of money—so when I finally speak up, he defends her. It's a setup, and I'm done playing into it.
So, I'm dropping the rope.

From now on, I'm using Minimum Contact and Maximum Chill with my husband, and No Contact with his mother. I won't speak to her one-on-one. When she calls my husband, I'll make myself unavailable. I already know she'll manipulate him into handing me the phone, no matter what I say—but the truth is, he's emotionally married to her, not me. He never really got away from her—not when he married me, and not when he married his first wife.

Next time he crosses that boundary and she gets through to me, I'll remember this: she wants my reaction. She wants to hurt me and destabilize my marriage.

I won't give her that satisfaction.

When my husband talks about his Mommy-wife (MIL) I am not saying one word. To me she's dead. Dead. If I don't have anything to say about her, then how can he get defensive?  He doesn't see that his mother is trying to destroy his marriage – I'm the problem – not his wonderful mother.  When he pushed my boundary and handed the phone to me so his Mommy-wife could abuse me.

I don't ONLY have a PD-MIL-problem, I have a PD-husband-problem. He's as toxic or more toxic than she is.

[bloomie]

Abigail.2025 - yikes, the mil/husband dysfunction is hard! Ask me how I know!?!

I can say from decades of experience with my own H and mil that you are on to something here:

From now on, I'm using Minimum Contact and Maximum Chill with my husband, and No Contact with his mother. I won't speak to her one-on-one. When she calls my husband, I'll make myself unavailable. I already know she'll manipulate him into handing me the phone, no matter what I say—but the truth is, he's emotionally married to her, not me. He never really got away from her—not when he married me, and not when he married his first wife.

Next time he crosses that boundary and she gets through to me, I'll remember this: she wants my reaction. She wants to hurt me and destabilize my marriage.

I won't give her that satisfaction.

When my husband talks about his Mommy-wife (MIL) I am not saying one word.

Dropping the rope and refusing to engage is your greatest super power. Let them do their dysfunctional dance. Let them figure it out and then you will live in a much more peaceful space. And, in my case, when I wasn't available to be on the front lines of the drama bound ridiculousness that was their relationship my own H had to feel his own feelings and deal with it on his own. And that was a very good thing.

[bloomie]

Popping back in with a suggestion: Mel Robbins book: The Let Them Theory is excellent for this exact type of circumstances. I found it validating and empowering and highly recommend!!

[Rebel13]

I agree with the Medium Chill tactic, and I've heard good things (I think on this site!) about the Let Them Theory book.

Just wanted to provide support to you here, Abigail. Relationship issues like this one are so difficult. I imagine you are feeling pretty angry about this situation right now, and I wanted to say, disordered people don't really care if they get a positive OR negative reaction. Any drama is supply for them, and they can sense it a mile away it seems. So the more you can work with Medium Chill and setting boundaries to not only not have contact, but really reduce your emotional reaction to "meh," your MIL may find you less interesting over time. And, the really important piece there is that you aren't having to carry the negative energy generated by the presence of this dysfunctional situation in your life.

I have worked on relationships with my partner's family some, both within myself and with her, to detach and not get sucked in by her reactions, needs, wishes etc. related to her family relationships. It's really a tough one and I wish you the best! I hope you get some peace from it.