Weaponised boundary

[Ingwer]

Hello community,

I'm here hoping to receive some empathy — it's a sensitive topic and I can't easily share in my personal circles.

Note: This post includes a reference to sex but it doesn't contain any violence or description of sexual activities.

Background: I (female) am married to a husband whose therapists and psychiatrist suspect he possibly has compound PD (e.g., vulnerable NPD, OCPD). He is most likely neurodivergent as well. His emotional regulation issues have threatened/harmed my mental and physical safety more than a couple of times in our 3+ years of marriage.
Because of my residency rights relying on our marriage, financial challenges, health conditions, and the situation in my home country, I cannot easily break up with him and find a safe place to stay.

What happened: We haven't have sex since early this year when his emotional burst brought me a physical but unintentional harm and caused strong fear response in my body. I made it clear that I need to feel safe to have physical intimacy he wants, and he's been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist, taking medications, and trying to be supportive. But he hasn't really 'put in work' to improve his emotional regulation. (His 'effort' means seeing the specialists and paying for them.)

Last night, he said he wanted to have an intimate time —more than a cuddle but not sex—, then abruptly said, "If nothing changes, we're in the last 3 months of our relationship". He claims that he is entitled to happiness he deserves, which essentially comes with active sex life. For him, it's "setting a boundary". For me, it sounded like a threat, even though he insists it's not his intention to pressure me into becoming more physically intimate.

He doesn't want to let go of our relationship, but he can't do anything because he's "been doing absolutely the best" he could to try making me feel safe yet nothing seems to change. He also complains that I keep asking him to "do more and more", while in fact, I've been asking him to "do differently". (This kind of victim mindset must sound pretty familiar to you.)

I asked him what he expects me to do, and he didn't have an answer. For his emotional regulation issues, he requested me to lead his hand and tell him what to do instead of just sharing resources, because "the therapist nor the psychiatrist can't help".

After the discussion in which I managed to stay calm and facilitate the conversation to deepen understanding, my husband has become 'softer' and has been showing his caring side. He also promised that he wouldn't kick me out on the street, would stay married for my residence permit, and would pay some money so I could survive for a while. He thought it'd provide reassurance, but the whole thing has put me in a survival mode.

---

At the moment, I have no idea how to interact with him. He's not able to take accountability for the impact he's made on me, and my using tools like grey rock would reinforce his sense of being a victim.

My physical health and financial challenges continue to prevent me from gaining independence, and I'm struggling to empower myself.


Thank you for reading.

With solidarity,
Ingwer

[bloomie]

Ingwer - one of our very wise founding members says something like this: someone can treat you well 90% of the time and poorly 10% of the time and and we feel unsafe, badly 100% of the time. Does that ring any bells with what you are experiencing?

Is there a way to begin to quietly explore your options? Even though challenging? Are there resources in your community where you could find support and help to move to a safer living environment?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi Ingwer. This sounds incredibly difficult. I applaud you for advocating for yourself in the face of these enormous challenges of health and immigration.

This stood out to me: "I asked him what he expects me to do, and he didn't have an answer. For his emotional regulation issues, he requested me to lead his hand and tell him what to do instead of just sharing resources, because "the therapist nor the psychiatrist can't help"."

He told you what he expects in my opinion. He expects to take no responsibility for himself. He somehow expects you to fix things for him to be comfortable in your relationship while recognizing that even the professionals can't do that. I'm guessing you have been quite specific in how you are asking him to "do differently," while he continues to turn everything around and cling to that victim role. You saying that using grey rock puts him in victim mode makes me think he's doing everything possible to avoid that self-responsibility. It is NOT your responsibility to manage the emotions of a grown man so you are not physically harmed by outbursts!!!

It also is interesting that the professionals are indicating multiple personality disorders at play. I agree with Bloomie about exploring your options.

[Ingwer]

Dear bloomie,

I would say it's less than 50% of the time that I feel unsafe because of my husband; my insecurity comes from other challenges (e.g. health, finance, environment) as well. Me being dependant on him is not his fault.

However, when I feel threatened because of him, it's pretty intense.

I have consulted with multiple support organisations, and the only options suggested to me were "go to women's shelter when it feels unsafe at home" and "sort out health problems somehow and be financially independent". For the latter, it's also my husband who's been supporting me. So I have complex feelings swirling all the time.

Thank you for your care, and I'll add an update shortly.

[Ingwer]

Dear Cordelia,

Thank you for your validation and compassion.

You're right about my husband being responsibility avoidant — almost pathologically.

He said, "If you think it's all on me to work on this [his lack of emotional regulation] for the sake of our relationship, I don't think it's a healthy relationship." When we were talking with a couple counsellor, who pointed out he has to do the work, he complained that he felt 'ganged up on'. I struggle to understand this logic and can only assume it's his inability to hold himself accountable.

He doesn't want to think he has PDs or neurodivergence. I'm not qualified to diagnose, and I hope the professionals will show him the pathway to get better. (That said, mental health practice here doesn't seem to be quite reliable.)

Yes, I'm constantly looking for options to be more independent and safer. I appreciate your encouragement.

[Ingwer]

+++ Updates +++

Since my original post, my husband and I have had some discussions. I elaborated on my fear caused by his statements, to which he showed understanding.

He suggested he gives me money enough for me to survive for 6 months in case we break up, so I won't instantly fall into an existential crisis. This, I suppose, is partly for my sense of security and partly for himself saving him from my intense response. He told me to come up with figures, which I haven't done yet.

From my end, I shared a website that offers free DBT training (https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/) and went through some parts of it with him. He said he'd try some daily exercises. He signed up for an active listening course a while ago which he hasn't completed yet, so I still have to see how it goes to hold a slightest hope here.

Sharing solidarity with you, those who keep fighting for your safety.

[Poison Ivy]

Ingwer, you might want to read about avoidant personality disorder and dependent personality disorder. I think my ex-husband has a combination of these. (I still remember the day many many years ago when MY therapist, who had never met my then husband but knew about him because I talked a lot about him, went over to her bookshelf, pulled out a copy of the DSM, and read out loud to me a description of one or both of these types of personality disorders. Lightbulb moment!)

[Xyz]

Dear Ingwer,

I want you to know that I have read your posts, and I support you.

[Ingwer]

Dear Poison Ivy,

Thank you for your suggestion and for sharing your experience.

My husband probably has multiple PD traits as his therapists and psychiatrist told him, and avoidant PD and dependent PD might also be part of it. Then sometimes I wonder if it's his neurodivergence.

I'll look into avoidant and dependent PD, too.

[Ingwer]

Dear Xyz,

Thank you for taking your time to tell me your compassion and support.
It means a lot.