Sister in-law out of control

[walking on broken glass]

So, my husband comes from a PD family. One of his sisters has been harassing him for years, and he ended up blocking her everywhere about 4 years ago. She is in touch with some of the members of the family but most of the other siblings have blocked her too because of how vicious and unstable she is. Last night she decided to escalate and found the emails of some of my husband's colleagues, and emailed them to say that she's his sister who was abused as a child and he covered it and that he shouldn't have the position he has. I am shocked and furious, I can't even begin to imagine how my husband must be feeling. I am so sick of these vicious, toxic people. I think it's time he filed for a non harassment order.

[bloomie]

walking on broken glass - 

What a desperate, terrible move by someone who seems bent on destruction. I am so sorry this has happened! I am also thankful your DH has you by his side. How are things today now that you have had some time to process this latest?

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Bloomie.

TW for sexual abuse.

We are still processing. The university where my husband works will see if it's possible to block her email. The irony is that my husband, when he found out that his dad had sexually abused his sisters, was the one who confronted him and then cut off contact with him until his death. But this sister has completely changed the narrative. She's always hated him and scapegoated him but this has now reached a new level of toxicity. I am scared she might find my mum's account on facebook and message her too about this, and that would be the ultimate disaster. We will consult a lawyer soon. I just hope that legal measures might scare her and make her stop.

[bloomie]

The irony is that my husband, when he found out that his dad had sexually abused his sisters, was the one who confronted him and then cut off contact with him until his death. But this sister has completely changed the narrative. She's always hated him and scapegoated him but this has now reached a new level of toxicity.

It seems you all have been left with no choice and your sil has lost capacity to manage herself and legal action has to be taken. I am hoping with you that taking legal steps to protect yourselves will be the strong measure needed to put a stop to this harassment. What a nightmare!!

[walking on broken glass]

I worry she might see this as a challenge that she will have to meet but then again if we do nothing, she might escalate.

Do people have any recommendations about going down the legal route with a PD relative? Has this worked as a deterrent for their behaviour?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh my I'm so sorry this happened. What a relief that his job is on your DH's side here. You would think they would be as that's beyond inappropriate to involve his colleagues in something that has nothing to do with them, but I can only imagine this would cause all sorts of anxiety and amygdala-go-nuts emotion.

I have had my father make insinuations in writing to mandated reporters that our house was not a safe place for children, and didn't have food, and my mood and thinking were problematic. It was all very carefully worded that they were not direct accusations but raised red flags. This followed up by attempts to see our kids behind my back led us to send a very tersely worded cease and desist letter via certified mail, so he had to sign and we had his signature, that what he was doing was illegal and to immediately cease all attempts at contact with my family including through third parties. We would consider any such attempt harassment and we would take the legal actions necessary to make it stop. We sent copies to all parties that we knew had received communications from my father to arrange meetings with our kids etc. It worked. I haven't heard a blessed thing from a single family member or even person in my so-called hometown for years. I pray you too have as simple a solution to get dear sister shut down.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks so much, Call me Cordelia! It's a relief to know that it did work in your case.

My husband's sister is frightening. He used to get capital letter messages from her late at night about what a horrible person he is and how much she hates him. Then followed by an apology. Then more abusive messages again. He finally blocked her when she got in touch with me after our wedding, even though she had never met me and she was not invited to our wedding. She found my name through a common family member on Facebook and sent me a long message to 'warn' me about the family I was entering and essentially she thought she would break us up by revealing dark family secrets I didn't know. After that my partner blocked her number everywhere and we didn't hear from her for about four years. She did send a letter which my husband left unanswered. I suspect she has been stewing all this time because she had no access to our lives and no punching bag. She created a second Facebook account just to message me, saying that my husband condones sexual abuse. I have now learned my lesson and changed my setting so that people who are not friends with me cannot message me. But we have a lot of evidence on our hands (lots of abusive messages!) to get a non harassment order, if necessary. I just hope she will give up, if she receives a cease and desist letter - or the equivalent here. She told my husband's brother that she will never forgive my husband and she will never stop. And after she sent those emails, she emailed my husband 'I will get you'. It's very unsettling.

[walking on broken glass]

Coming back to rant some more. The university administrator forwarded today another email my husband's sister had sent, in which she hadn't copied him so he couldn't know about it. It claimed that my husband supported (!) her sexual abuse as a child and he shouldn't be around vulnerable students, and that she has evidence ti substantiate the claim. The whole thing is so insane, it's beyond belief. His sister is 10 years older than him, so she is accusing him of supporting (!) the abuse when he was a toddler?! I know I shouldn't try to find reason in a disordered person's accusations but it's so ridiculous! I am so angry and exasperated. We found a lawyer and will get their professional opinion.

[Rebel13]

I'm really sorry. This is the last thing the two of you needed, with the drama your mom and sister have been engaging in. I hope you both can find ways to care for yourselves while all of this nonsense is going down.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Rebel.
It's been very stressful. The law firm a friend recommended asks for an inordinate amount of money and we are despairing. We are asking around for other lawyers. In the consultation meeting the lawyer suggested as a first step that they write a formal letter to the sister as a warning that if she continues, there will be legal action. Even that is quite expensive! A cease and desist order would cost even more. I wonder if we should just go to the police and see if they can give her a warning.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that it's so expensive. The lawyer we talked with gave a free consultation and offered that she could do the formal letter, but a DIY would be just as weighty in court should we need to pursue action in the future. The point is they were warned and we have evidence of continued harassment and libel. I am not in the same country I think, but in case that's helpful to you. I think sending your own letter couldn't hurt anyway. In the end that's what we did. I feel you on not wanting to spend a dime on them, just on principle. I liked the idea of simply acting on my own authority as in charge of my own life against my father thank you very much. BUT if you do have to sue, you can make your sister-in-law pay your legal fees!!! She has no right to act as she does.

[walking on broken glass]

We are reluctant to write the letter ourselves because we want it to have the formal weight, that there is some kind of authority behind it. Otherwise, I think she will be more prone to escalate just to show us she is not scared. I knew that legal fees were expensive where we live but we didn't expect them to be that high! We don't want to blow our savings that we wanted to use for fixing our kitchen! Ugh this sucks so much. I think we will start with the police and see what they say, and then we will look for another lawyer with hopefully more reasonable fees. Maybe the union at my partner's university will be able to help, since it's workplace harassment. As for her paying legal fees, it's not going to happen because she is unemployed and her husband does not have a well-paying job. They really cannot afford this.

[Lillith65]

Wow. Just wow WOBG!

These people have no boundaries. I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through this.

I hope that you can find a legal solution to all of this.

[Poison Ivy]

I suggest that you do an internet search of the following: "person is sending defamatory emails about me to workplace" I think the suggestions provided in the AI summary make sense: document everything, report to HR, inform your manager. There are details in the AI summary. (I'm not going to copy and paste that here.)

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks, Poison Ivy. We have done all that. We have now also filed a formal report with the police, and they will be coming to our flat in a few days to get a statement and tell us what options are available. On the phone, the police officer was a bit hesitant as to whether a crime has been committed but we hope we can convince them that she is very likely to escalate and should get a warning.

I find that this has stressed me a lot, also because it reminds me of my situation, and what I might have to face in the future regarding my sister. Things are quiet now because I am no contact, but I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's exhausting.

[Poison Ivy]

It's good that you filed a formal report with the police. Having this on the record is important. I would be stressed if I were in your situation.

[bloomie]

Waling on broken glass - I just want to offer support as you report this and figure out what the next best steps may be. How awful for your family. I am so sorry this is happening!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Bloomie.
The police came by today but they basically said they cannot do anything unless she escalates. They advised us to gather evidence and keep a log, and if she does it again to get in touch. This is not very helpful though because we were hoping to nip this in the bud before it escalates. It looks the only recourse for now is getting a letter from a lawyer, which will cost a lot of money. It's so frustrating.