I think I'm being lied to

[BreakAway]

Both parents are NPD, and my sister is their enabler/flying monkey/golden child (and desperate to retain the position). My brother just goes along. I am essentially ostracized and kept out of the loop.

Our father passed away a couple of weeks ago. He was very religious man and involved in his church (Catholic) and had his plot in a Catholic cemetary bought and paid for years ago with detailed plan for Catholic funeral. However, I am being told that it all changed and he is now being buried (interred) in a veteran's cenetary in the middle of nowhere with just a small graveside service (invite only by my mother). My mother does not really speak to me much and I was apparently the only one who was not told about this.

My sister is "executor" if both parents pass, so would she have a copy of his will? I asked and said that I wanted to see copy so that I would have a source for what his wishes were. She said she does not have it. A friend told me that if she is executor for both passing that she would have a copy of both wills. Is she lying to me?

[Rebel13]

Hi BreakAway, I'm no expert, but your sister might not necessarily have the will. It would depend on whether your parents shared a copy of it with her.

Here's an article about this issue, at least under US law: https://www.freewill.com/learn/are-wills-public-record  You might be able to find something similar for your area if you live outside the US.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

BreakAway, I am sorry for the loss of your father.

I think there could be several variables at play that impact how much an Executor may know and how earnest they actually behave in that role. The experience I saw when my dad died last year was that he too had chosen his golden child as his Executor, and she too claimed to not have a copy of his will until his final days. I think it is possible it was just a verbal agreement between the two of them. On the other hand, I was more interested, and a number of years ago dad actually handed me a copy. Dad also stated repeatedly the last few years that he pre-planned a Catholic funeral for his burial and he left behind a folder with pre-paid receipts, so we did not have anything to arrange. His plans however were not in his will.

Unfortunately, for all his planning and documentation, he left it to his golden child to actually follow through - and she did not do what dad wanted. I felt his golden child had just handed him the ultimate betrayal.

I do not know if any of this resonates with you. If so, I will say to prioritize your own wellbeing. It is perhaps overwhelming to have these questions bouncing around your head while also managing through a very personal type of grief.

[BreakAway]

It's been a couple of months now. Thanks for the kind and thoughtful responses.

I never got any real answers, but I guess it doesn't matter. The truth is that he did not see fit to tell me anything and basically threw me away some years ago.  I was expected to do the last conversation when the end was near (it was by phone since I was out of the country) and said nice things even though they weren't deserved. I showed up at the service with my spouse and kids and played my part.

It's weird when people offer condolences and sympathy when they hear that my father passed away.  I feel very little about it because long ago I had to make my peace with the fact that I would never have a real father to love and protect me. I did not lose what they think, because I never had it.
 

[CravingSafetyPeaceFreedom]

100% carbon copy.  I'm sorry for your loss and the unique type of grief of losing an abusive parent.  I'm going through that now losing my malignant narc father, and the half-brother doesn't even see him as "Dad" but his first name (he ran away after trying to kill me... he's only back when dad got cancer and about to die).

Anyway, the part where you said others saying nice things is weird indeed.  And you just have to bite your tongue even though you know in your heart that it's 100% false.  But these people are completely out of the loop, and if you try to tell them the truth, it'll likely backfire and make you seem either ungrateful, vindictive, or mentally ill.

I hope I'm making sense.

I send hugs, stranger.  I need them as well.