Thankyou

[what_now]

I just found this website and thankyou for putting this information together.

My username - what now. This morning I thought things were getting better and maybe they are (I always think they are), when my wife is screaming at my teenager and I find her holding him back and standing on his foot to force him to do something. And I asked myself all day what should I have done.

I'm scared. I started thinking I was just a scared person, but others are involved and I can talk to them about everything, just not to my wife anymore. I tried talking to her for ages about anger but she lives by the principle "If I don't get angry nothing will change".

Anyway - thanks for the resources. Given my wife's background I'll say complex PTSD but I'm no specialist and there's no diagnosis yet. But she has been forced to see someone.

We have started marraige counselling and have lots of family support and other support but my wife denies any wrong doing or responsibility on her part so far but I'll keep doing what I can to protect the kids, and lately I have found I need to look after myself also.

[bloomie]

what_now - welcome to Out of the FOG! Thank you for trusting us with a bit of context for the relationship challenges that bring you here. You describe an atmosphere that you and your children are living in that is filled with uncertainty. How difficult this must all be. I am so sorry.

You are wise to not try and diagnose and to stay focused on behaviors that are destructive and/or toxic, a toolset to find best coping practices for your situation, finding in real life help (which you are doing, bravo!) and to not go it alone in this. And we advocate to put the needs and wellbeing of children first. Every single time.

There is a great toolbox at the drop down menu above. We have other online resources and links alongside of the traits information. Settle in and look around. Read the threads of others and soak up the collective wisdom and compassion to be found in this community.

When you are ready, join the conversations taking place on the sub forums. And, remember to take very good care of yourself as you go forward. I look forward to supporting you as you share!

[what_now]

Thanks Bloomie. I like the tagline: The most powerful people are peaceful people.
I'm hoping my kids see my example of that and copy that, that is my aim.
In the past I have been trying to placate my wife by getting the kids to do whatever she is madly angry about but I don't think that can keep happening because that doesn't deal with her uncontrolled anger. Fortunately with the govt. watching my wife feels a little accountable and I see her sort of stepping on egg shells instead of just blowing up instantly, but somehow I think she thinks it is okay so still does stuff. This morning much the same thing happened as yesterday but this time I was in the house and she tried to be calm for a minute but couldn't work out what else to do so screamed at him and chased him down.

Unfortunately she has made me her enemy, I'm just trying to be calm, helpful, and a good example so that she doesn't feel I'm the enemy if she gets help. And hopefully see that I'm not the person that she is telling people that I am.

Anyway I need to be careful I think... so that she can be guided to get help. Not sure that I can open up. At least now people have told me it's not my fault when she ... does things ... I'm responsible. I'm responsible for trying to get her help. I'm responsible for the childrens safety. I'm seeing some people to work out the plan for the kids. I've been patient and guiding for years, perhaps with so many people involved now this is the time for "If I don't get angry then nothing will change" to turn to something else. But it's intense and I won't do anything rashly.
Is it fair for me to say, she is a beautiful person that I fell in love with, and she needs help, but now I need an outside person to look in and give a second opinion on if the kids are safe.

Anyway that is today. See about tomorrow

[bloomie]

Is it fair for me to say, she is a beautiful person that I fell in love with, and she needs help, but now I need an outside person to look in and give a second opinion on if the kids are safe.

It seems important that you acknowledge the humanity, and even beauty, of the person you married alongside an unflinching willingness to acknowledge the potential damage being done and the need for help in assessing what is best for your kids.

Holding on to two separate truths about a loved one is excruciatingly difficult. I am so sorry this is what you are facing.

[what_now]

Holding on to two separate truths about a loved one is excruciatingly difficult.

bloomie you just nailed my problem and articulated it so well and it is going to help me so much.
I'm going to use this realisation that I have two opposing truths at once to try keep my patience in perspective, rather than swinging from things are okay, to things are not okay.

I was losing my patience just now because I had a solo session with the marraige counsellor and told her mostly everything, she was unhappy and told me what I am doing to the kids by staying is not good, that they have an unsafe view of the world and it is affecting them mentally and physically. It hurt a lot hearing that again. But the psych sessions are happening with my wife and they are hopefully doing good. The counsellor said she is willing to work so we can stay together if that is what I want and that she has worked with some couples before that have decided to do that.

[what_now]

... I know ... it's still the welcome mat.
The govt. came out today and we had the first combined meeting for ages with govt. services. This time with extended family and support people.
They handled the situation so carefully and well, I think we have a way forward! Long road ahead, but at least there is a road.