Can you go back home after a whole town smear campaign?

[Adria]

Dh and I have moved about every two years in our 30 year marriage. I think probably it is because we have been run out of our hometown after a horrible smear campaign.  I think we are always looking for a place to call home and never quite feel that we have found it. 

Anyway, we are getting older now and we want to go home. It's been 20 years since we moved across country and left our home town.  Since then, most of the major culprits have passed away, i.e., his mother and my parents.  However, my sister, the most sinister one of them all is still around, and I hear she is still smearing me, even after all these years, and it sounds like she is still being listened to.

I've done a lot of self work over the years, and have come to realize that my worth isn't what these people think of me.  I know who I am, and have never deliberately set out to hurt anyone in my life. 

I'm excited at the thought of moving back, but am very scared that it could cause my sister to ramp up her efforts in sabotaging my reputation even more.  Will I be strong enough to look past the sneers when I sit in a restaurant?  Will I be able to go to the few family funerals that are left?  Do I really care enough what anyone thinks anymore?  Will there be too many triggers?

I wish I could call someone and get an answer. I spoke to a long lost aunt the other day, and she wouldn't say anything, which makes me think it's still not done with. 

I'm afraid these questions won't be answered unless I go back, but what if it is a giant mistake?  I don't think financially we have anymore moves left after this.

I'm so distressed about what to do, but I just want to go home.

[Liketheducks]

In my experience, the truth always comes out.    But, it takes time.   You can't control people's misperception of you.   The people who really matter won't care what your sister is saying....and the people who do care....don't matter.

[Rebel13]

Hi Adria,

For the last couple of years I have been wanting to move back to my home area as well, so I really understand the longing.

However, reading your post, I did wonder -- will a place feel more like home than anywhere else, when you feel you have to steel yourself against the judgments of people who base their perceptions of you on rumors and hearsay?

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what exactly it is that is making me want to move, what I miss, what I dislike about where I currently am, as well as what I like about my current situation that I would lose if I moved -- to try to clarify for myself if moving will really change the things I hope it will, or if it's wishful thinking about a geographical cure. You know what they say, everywhere you go, there you are. What if I get there and I'm still struggling with the same stuff because the issues are internal, not external?

I don't have a lot of answers, so mostly I just wanted to let you know you're not alone with the desires and feelings. One thing I've determined for myself is that, for many good reasons, I definitely won't move back to my hometown unless there's no other option. There are places in the region similar enough to provide what I'm missing but far enough away that my dysfunctional extended family members probably wouldn't have a lot of contacts or be willing to travel there often enough to bother me. Would something like that be an option for you?

[Adria]

LiketheDucks,

I think you are right.  My sister has destroyed many people's lives in that town.  My dh says, "Anyone that knows your sister, knows she's crazy."  I just feel so unsure, but I'm almost to a point I don't care anymore.

[Adria]

Rebel13,

"Will a place feel more like home than anywhere else, when you feel you have to steel yourself against the judgments of people who base their perceptions of you on rumors and hearsay?"

That is the question. 

"I have been doing a lot of thinking about what exactly it is that is making me want to move, what I miss, what I dislike about where I currently am, as well as what I like about my current situation that I would lose if I moved -- to try to clarify for myself if moving will really change the things I hope it will, or if it's wishful thinking about a geographical cure. You know what they say, everywhere you go, there you are. What if I get there and I'm still struggling with the same stuff because the issues are internal, not external?"

Good point! My home town is very beautiful. In the summer it's like Disney Land. It is the best place in the world to be.  My dh has almost died from cancer a couple times in the last couple years. He is fine now and back to work.  I guess, there are some things I would like to be able to do with him back home and rekindle some old memories with him, and be able to have the support of my hometown girlfriends.  Maybe it's just  a pipe dream. I don't know.  Maybe like you said, move a town or two over. It would keep us out of the fray. Wish things were more black and white.  Sure don't want to make a mistake.

[Lillith65]

Honestly?

The fact that you are worried about the smearing means that even if you move back and everyone is fine with you you will still be second guessing and worrying about it.

Try imagining walking into a room with other people from your home town and everyone is fine. Ask yourself how you feel. Are you able to let the past go and not be concerned that they are 'just being polite?'

I am going to my mother's funeral next week and am facing other members of the family and my mother's friends and neighbours. I am anxious about what they have been told about me, but am hoping to hold my head my head high. I will also have my son and my best friend with me. Couldn't face it without them.