Why does this bother me?

JustKeepTrying · October 31, 2025, 02:33:52 PM

Hello everyone! I have this issue - not a big one but one that niggles at me. I don't know how to deal with it. I know I should ignore it but I sense that, perhaps, I will need to address it. Or do I just it slide.

This summer I rented a large house on the beach for my 60 birthday. I never thought with all my cancer stuff that I would make it to 60. I invited my children and their families; my partner of two years and my sister and brother and their spouses. I did not invite my narc brother and sister until about two months before (frankly when it would be too late for them to attend.) I paid for the house and everyone was responsible for their own meals and transportation. I also hired a professional photographer for the group. I have never celebrated my birthday - my ex often forgot it and so did my children - and I rarely see my siblings.

Since my divorce my SIL has been, well, southernly passive-aggressive. With questions like "Are you sure he never loved you?" "Was it as bad as you think?" "He was always so kind to us (he would rant and rave and hated you behind your back but okay)" and this summer during the trip I overheard her tell my daughter that they missed my ex and to give him their best.

I have tried to explain what happened with ex - his narcissism, financial and emotional abuse but I did not tell them the it escalated to physical. My son with me each time and it was not appropriate.

I also sense that my brother thinks I am overly emotional and a drama queen. He never believed that my brother beat me or that I was raped in college. So I believe my sister has this same attitude.

My sister on the other hand does believe me. I do not discuss any of this with my children.

I want to have a better relationship with them but this feels off. Like a step too far. And frankly it really bothers me.

ANd I am not sure why. I am low to no contact with the other sibs. I am very low contact with ex (although he did a round of I will miss you with all my siblings when I filed for divorce ugh.) I only contact my ex when issues of support come up with my son.

Anyone been through this? Am I being over reactive? Is this a southern thing? (I am from northern US and she is a deep Texan) Do I say something or let it ride? Any input or advice or even if you have question - please feel free to ask.

JustKeepTrying · October 31, 2025, 03:45:34 PM

By the way, I know I should ignore her - I should let it go. Yet in those quiet hours of the night it creeps up. I want a relationship with my brother and some family. The divorce shattered any little ties that I had - and I am working hard to build community again. Sorry if this feels trite.

I have worked hard to build with my daughters and we have come a long way. I am proud that I have reestablished good relationships with them. That is working.

So I just don't know this bothers me.

Poison Ivy · October 31, 2025, 03:52:25 PM

This does not seem trite to me at all. I'll provide a lengthier response after I have time to think about your post more.

Poison Ivy · October 31, 2025, 06:41:44 PM

Your SIL has a right to her thoughts and feelings about your ex. She should keep those thoughts and feelings to herself. It was rude and insensitive for her to say anything to you about him or her thoughts and feelings.

JustKeepTrying · October 31, 2025, 09:37:54 PM

Thank you Poison Ivy. It does feel rude and insensitive. I struggle with standing up to passive aggressive people - it is very triggering. Very much like my ex. Those little questions and comments that on the surface are not offensive yet feel like direct hits.

I am not sure how to respond to her - I hope to see them as I am working on building a relationship with my brother.

For back story, my ex hated my family. I feel terribly guilty that I allowed myself to distance myself from them. Blaming distance, illness and other stuff but in the end, it was my ex. The longer I am out of the relationship - the more I realize how isolated I was.

But I don't know if I want to be around her. And how to handle it when I and if I do confront it.

walking on broken glass · November 03, 2025, 05:12:39 AM

I think it is absolutely normal that it bother you! She has zero empathy and her comments are insensitive and almost aggressive. I understand that you want to maintain some contact with this side of the family but perhaps it's worth thinking if they deserve to have your company. Alternatively, you can try to place stricter boundaries with her: if she brings this up again, tell her that you don't want to talk about it and that you are not open to input. You have made up your mind, you are the one that lived through it and whatever's done is done and there's no point in discussing it. Be polite but rude. A relationship is a two way street, and they should adjust their behaviour if they want to hang out with you.

Please don't censor yourself for how you feel. It is 100% justified.

1footouttadefog · November 24, 2025, 10:22:27 PM

Sounds to me like she was fishing for details and implying that if you did not have. A story to share it most not have been so bad.

Gossip and judgementalism

Call Me Cordelia · November 25, 2025, 06:18:47 AM

Many happy returns of your birthday, JKT! It's incredibly rude to bring up a divorce and make supportive comments for your abuser. And at your birthday celebration if you please! Your celebration sounds otherwise brilliant and I hope you still got to enjoy the beach and the people you love.

TimetoHeal · December 06, 2025, 02:45:56 PM

Happy 60Th birthday, JKT! What a milestone to celebrate, especially being a cancer survivor!

I'm not sure if this is specifically a Southern thing, although I deal with it too being in the Southeast US. People are pretty gossipy and pretty religious down here, so not sure if it is the same elsewhere, because I have never lived anywhere else.

Anyway, I can share with you what my therapist shared with me. My ex and my mother still talk and text, which is so inappropriate on so many level.

I shared with my therapist how this bothers me, especially when my mother will bring up a conversation that she had with my ex. My therapist says, it is inappropriate, but more than that it's "weird" (her words) that she feels she needs to share it with me. Her advice was to put up a strong boundary when this happens of "I don't care to entertain a conversation about Ex". Period. And change the subject. Maybe something like this could help you with you SIL?

JustKeepTrying · December 14, 2025, 03:42:58 AM

Thank you everyone for your support. It helps - really helps.

TOH - I like that boundary. I am going to memorize it and use it when it comes up again. It feels firm, safe and at the time appropriate. Thank you so much.

blacksheep7 · December 14, 2025, 08:51:48 AM

Hi JKT,

I am a bit late but I related to your post. First off, Happy 60th Birthday! Cancer survivor :phoot

My covertM always used to ask me about my ex's

I mean wt....!

Narcs like gossip. I put a stop to that too! I'm from Canada. How insulting wanting a conversation about someone who has treated us badly.

I'd say that they haven't walked in our shoes.

Best of health to you