NPD sister is terminally ill - feeling confused

[Kaz1956]

Last week, my niece told me that my NPD sister has a terminal degenerative illness. She has been NC with me for almost 15 years and is NC with her FOO.( By way of background though, both parents were NPD and three out of 5 siblings. Two of us are not and have a close relationship. The remainder are NC with anyone. )

I have seen my sister three times in 15 years and each time, including at my daughter's wedding and her own daughter's wedding has shunned me and my family. I reached out via email about 8 years ago and she replied that she never wanted to hear from me ever again.

Apparently my sister told my niece not to tell anyone from her side of the family about her illness, however I'm close to my niece and she decided that she wanted to share this information with me.

My sister is 9 years younger than me. We were close until 15 years ago. I could see how she was with other people but genuinely thought she would never turn on me. The triggering incident that resulted in her going NC was so trivial I couldn't believe the narcissist rage that resulted. A rage that has not diminished to this day.


She is still my little sister who I remember as a baby and a child. I chose her name and tried to protect her growing up from the emotional storm we lived in with two NPD parents. She used to tell me how important that had been to her.

I'm feeling so many confused emotions now. Anxiety, sadness, troubled, frustrated, concern and many more. I think inside I'm still the big sister who wants to protect her, but there is no role for me here. She's made that very clear in asking my niece not to tell me, or anyone from our side of the family.

I guess that I don't know what to do with these emotions given no positive actions or in fact any actions are open to me. I'm a great believer in practical compassion, especially as I was a nurse for 40 years.

I'd value others input on how to navigate this in a way that best protects my mental health. Thank you.

[xredshoesx]

kaz I don't have anything wise to share, but I wanted to say that I see you and the hurt this rift with your sister has caused you. 

i'll be in a similar situation eventually with my own foo- and my heart goes out to you.  please be gentle with yourself today.  my best advice is to let yourself feel this hurt as it comes in waves and acknowledge that even in a fractured family, you can grieve the loss of a sibling- especially when you share a trauma bond and a common history of abuse.  hopefully someone more sage than me will have some better coping ideas. 

[Lillith65]

Hi Kaz,

One suggestion I have is to write a letter to your sister (without intending to mail it) expressing your feelings. You can then decide what to do with it: keep it until you feel able to destroy it? Destroy it immediately? Keep it as a sort of journal entry to honour your feelings.

You could also try the chair method which a therapist shared with me. You sit in one chair and address another chair as if your sister were sitting in it. You can then tell her everything that you want to. Make sure that you finish the conversation with a statement of closure such as 'I'm glad that we've had this opportunity to talk. It has been very important and helpful to me, but now it's time for you to leave and for me to get on with my life.' Then specifically say goodbye and get up and move away to go and do something nice for yourself.

Just a couple of suggestions.

[Lillith65]

The other thing is, your sister no doubt knows that you express yourself using practical compassion - as you say - you were a nurse. That means that she may well have made those statements in order to hurt you. I am certain that she knew that you would be told - because in normal families that sort of news would be shared and it's doubtful that other members are all personality disordered!

My own younger sister had a third party contact me to tell me that she had cancer, then had the third party tell me that she didn't want any contact with me at all. My question was, why tell me then? I think we both know the answer.

[SisterBlue]

I could have written much of this in much the same way. My sister isn't ill that I know of, but the dynamic and the fall out are so so similar. I dread this happening, and I even dread other family members being sick or passing away because I don't know how to deal with her. Even though she professes to hate almost anyone, so she may not even go to a funeral. I don't know.

I want to say that it seems like you are already somewhat dealing with it in a way that is healthy. I agree about letting yourself feel the grief and then letting it pass over you. It's so hard, and I'm sorry.