My sister and her games.

[Lillith65]

I started this year's posts on the board for dealing with elderly parents. There's quite a lot about my sister in those posts because, as you know, dysfunctional families create roles for children. I was always the scapegoat, my (younger) sister the golden child who then became the waif/victim. As she has aged she has fully embraced the whole waif/victim role and appears fully invested in it.
Self-sabotage? Check
Help refusing complainer? Check
Martyr? Check
Helpless victim? Check
I could go on, but you get the picture.

Anyway, my mother died on Monday morning (1am) so I am now only dealing with my uPD sister - fairly sure that she, like my Mum, is a covert narcissist.

My God. She has become so much worse than 8 years ago. Yes, she has had health changes (as have I), yes her choices have had consequences such as not being able to drive, demanding, zero hours job, poorly maintained rented accommodation in a terrible area and an alcoholic partner who lives a nocturnal life and does nothing around the house (she says). But I'm certain that she didn't complain non stop and she was still pretending to be wealthy and sorted - while relying on others and being otherwise 'waify.'

Anyway, how the heck I'm going to navigate and manage this new dynamic?

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry Lilith. I really feel for you because my situation could be very similar in the future. My mum and sister are co-dependent and my sister is BPD with narcissistic traits and she has always targeted me. Based on my experience, the advice I would give you is that you don't have to be in touch with her, you don't have to indulge her, and you don't have to be on the receiving end of her complaints. She is using you for supply and she is draining you. You need to preserve your energy. I realize that you can't perhaps not talk to her at the moment because there will be things to sort, but try to keep it to the absolute minimum, and once you are done with the practicalities, you don't have to be in contact with her. You can also use a lawyer to represent you. Just keep your peace. You don't need that, especially now.

[Lillith65]

My sister has thrown a few curve balls today and yesterday by being nice, apologetic and conciliatory with me. She's also been very reasonable and actually quite generous - allowing me to have a few things that I wanted out of my mother's house. One of which was mine anyway, but my mother took over when I was 20 or so, the other thing I'm still looking for. She also gave me a set of keys to the house, but I am actually concerned that she will think that I have been taking things! I have said that I will help her to clear the house, but am being very, very careful to make it clear that as sole beneficiary she is in charge. I ask her about everything before dealing with it. I think that has helped.

But it is so difficult when she behaves as a normal, loving sister because I know that it is (more or less) superficial and I never know when she is going to slap me (metaphorically speaking). It is so hard not to drop my guard and behave as if we are just ordinary, loving sisters.

It does help that I know the game, and I am able to ignore the waify baits that she uses. But it's hard when you think you're having an ordinary conversation and out pops a red flag.

[Lillith65]

WOBG,
Thank you. I know that you are right. But it is so tough.

[Lillith65]

The other thing is that she has been love bombing me and my husband (who she dislikes intensely - she told me this).
Love bombing is so seductive - if you don't know what it is! Especially for an (ex) scapegoat who grew up as a people pleasing codependent! But as my thread titles say, I know the game and the rules 

[Lillith65]

The more contact I have with uPD sister the more I narrow it down. Pretty sure that she is a covert narcissist with a martyr complex.

She has taken in a homeless, drug and alcohol abusing adult friend of her son's. He is mid 20s and has been thrown out by his father after being thrown out by his mother (they are divorced). She, my sister, has told me that he is driving her crazy, staying out until 5am, waking up the whole house and winding her dogs up (the dogs are a whole story of chaos and bad choices). He is also extremely chaotic and untidy and constantly asking her for cigarettes. She texted me this afternoon and told me that despite being exhausted she was driven out of the house by his behaviour. I replied 'Oh dear.' She also told me that she took him in hoping that it would give her some good karma because she is having such a terrible time. She had an appointment yesterday with a local witch for a 'cleansing' as she is convinced that someone has cursed her 

A lot of what happens to her is a direct result of her own choices e.g. she never gets her animals vaccinated or sterilised. Her dog got pregnant by a Belgian Malinois (highly active, highly demanding, highly intelligent breed often used by the military). She had 10 puppies (in a tiny house in a crowded urban environment. They sold 9 online  Her partner then lied and said there were no enquiries for the last puppy so they kept him. Neither his mother, nor her puppy have been trained. They spend all day in a tiny house with almost no walks because they are difficult to handle. They often poop in the house and her partner (who sleeps all day then stays up all night) leaves it to her to clean up when she gets back from work. The dogs are destructive and very badly behaved. They have wrecked her home and she says she has rope tied around her fridge and freezer because the Malinois cross opens them and eats all the food.  She posts pictures on social media of their destruction and has told me that she is often in tears because of them.

Here's the thing though. It is all preventable! There are solutions! Instead, she has added another source of chaos in the form of the guy she's taken in 'out of pity.' Instead of just saying that she has a friend of her son's staying with her she tells people all the horrible details of his childhood and current predicament. Why? Why? Well, we know why....we all have to know just how much she is suffering for others.

I am so glad that I have the knowledge I do of PDs, and of codependency. I am so glad that I have been NC and gained distance and objectivity. I don't offer suggestions, I don't get involved beyond an 'oh that sounds difficult,' 'oh dear' and similar comments. I will not become her codependent or her narcissistic supply!

But I am sad that a) she is the way that she is,  b) we can't have a normal relationship and c) I have to consider and plan conversations or discussions to avoid getting sucked in. I even have to think about what I say to people who I know speak to her!

[walking on broken glass]

I feel exactly like that, as you described in your last sentence, about my sister. But the more you get into their world, the more they suck you in their chaotic craziness. I hope you manage to stay out of all of it and keep your distance. You can't help her but she can definitely hurt you.

[Lillith65]

You are absolutely right. I'm doing OK at ignoring her indirect requests for money. She is sole executor and beneficiary for our mother's estate, but every time a cost occurs for her funeral my sister pleads poverty saying, 'Oh, I don't have the money for that.' Paying for death certificates, miscellaneous costs for clearing the house, organising the wake all result in the same game. I studiously ignore it, but it is tough because my default position is 'Oh don't worry about it...' and then pay for it myself. However, I've learned my lesson.

Organising the funeral is her responsibility but I did attend the funeral director's appointment. What should have taken an hour took two hours because my sister was talking about herself and her family. This included giving details of her painful periods and fibroids pre hysterectomy, her plans to dye her hair, her daughter having 11 GCSEs (this is not true), and so on.

I have decided to pay for a wreath for the funeral. Cue my sister telling me that her daughter is going to do the flowers and 'if you pay her for the flowers, she'll do yours too.' The terrible thing is, my niece is a chip off the old block and I do not trust her. If I offered to pay I am 99% certain that she would increase the bill and pocket the difference. After all, her mother charged me restaurant price to attend a Christmas dinner - no one else paid! Having spent some time with my niece and seeing her behaviour re her own mother and our mother's death, she is just like my sister. For example, we were told over and over how busy my niece was and how she couldn't visit her grandmother or help her mother because of all the commitments her job entailed. As soon as the house and contents were up for grabs she is suddenly able to drive her mother every weekend and even during the week. In addition, my sister, generously, gave me my mother's jewellery. However, while I was helping my sister to clear the house she dropped out that she and my niece had already gone through it and taken everything they wanted  Similarly when we were sorting out the clothes - I'm helping clear the house - she dropped out the same thing!

I'm not complaining about them having stuff - my mother's will made her sole beneficiary and I'm fine with that. Mum's money and things, mum's choice. What I am bemused by is the superficial generosity while actually only letting me have some leftovers.

The other issue that I am struggling with is spending time with her means exposure to what I can only describe as her smell. She smokes heavily and so does her partner. She also drinks heavily. On top of that she rarely washes her long, thick hair. The result is what my husband describes as 'an acrid fug' that is stomach turning. Being in the car with her is almost unbearable and even in cold, wet weather I have to have the window open. Thing is, she dresses well and is always beautifully made up. I just don't understand it.

[walking on broken glass]

Oh wow. That's definitely a lot to handle! I laughed a bit when I read about the smell. My sister also loves drinking, she used to smoke but I don't think she does anymore (a big reason is how much it costs!) and she doesn't look after her appearance. But she is so similar to your sister, especially with regards to the fake generosity and the obsession with money and possessions. You would definitely be wise not to use your niece's services. Hopefully the high your sister is experiencing due to all the recent events will eventually subside, and she will leave you alone.

[Lillith65]

I feel mean for posting about the smell, but it almost feels like passive aggression. Inflicting such a horrible smell on other people. I mean, she must know? And at the end of the day, she is a human being and I know that she is suffering. She grew up in the same house after all.

I so wish that it was different because my first impulse is to help. I know that I have a bit of a saviour complex and I have a history of being codependent so I'm not claiming that as a virtue!

[walking on broken glass]

I also had an arbitrator attitude and a saviour complex but I have learned to contain these instincts over time! It's really upsetting how we were raised to put other people's needs before our own and to feel bad when we look after ourselves.

[Lillith65]

Absolutely. We were trained to put other people first. I used to think that it was a virtue until I learned about codependency and the saviour complex 

[Lillith65]

Another day and another visit to the funeral director with my sister. This time we were meeting with the celebrant to discuss the service. Another unsettling meeting as she continues to behave in a relatively normal way with me. I feel as if I'm being suckered and that at some point a punch is coming. I then start to think, maybe not this time.....but fundamentally I don't trust her. She lies so readily.

I found the discussion with the celebrant extremely difficult as my sister talked about my mother as being 'fiercely loyal' and 'always supportive' towards her family. Which is absolutely not true. She also talked about how much she loved her grandchildren and couldn't do enough for them. Again, completely untrue. She was reluctant to spend time with them, never wanted to babysit and was quite frankly neglectful at times when she was forced to spend time with them. Recent interactions with me reinforced this. She was not in the least bit interested in her grandson or great grandson. Next came the lie that she 'nursed' our Dad while he was dying. She refused to go to his chemo appointments because it was 'boring', my Dad was frightened of hospitals. She complained all the time about going up and down the stairs when he was in bed ill, the list goes on. I remember the way she treated me and my sister when were ill. I remember her roaring with laughter when my Dad had gastroenteritis and she served him vegetable soup, the sight and smell of which made him vomit. It goes on.
All of this was 'forgotten.' The celebrant could tell how uncomfortable I was and after my sister left, while I was waiting for my husband she drew me back into the room to ask how I was. It helped that she had her own difficulties with her own family, and she also said that she wouldn't make the 'tribute' effusive and that she would make things a bit more neutral. We both have to agree to whatever is said, but my sister is currently very amenable so hopefully it will be OK.

Another bonus was that she had washed her hair and it seems that is where the smell was coming from. Today it was fine. However, her lack of boundaries continues. She was wearing a lovely scarf that she then told me belonged to a (now deceased) woman that she worked for and that she had taken from her house -without permission and without the knowledge of the woman's daughter. I assume that she'll return it....but she may well not!

[Lillith65]

The funeral was last week. The night before, my sister texted me that she couldn't pay for the wake and asked if I would pay it and she would pay me back  Absolutely knew that this would happen. So we paid it and......she hasn't mentioned it since. I've decide to swallow it as she did the heavy lifting with my mother for the 8 years that I was NC.

The funeral went OK, it wasn't what my mother really wanted - my sister chose the most basic service as it was being paid for out of my mother's estate and she was sole benefactor. Her money, her choice.

The other thing was that she had two friends from school attend. Of course, that's fine. I also had a friend with me. However, we came out of the chapel at the end of the service and one of my sister's friends came straight up to me and said 'You used to bully us when we were at your house.' I was stunned, first of all, what a time and place to come out with that, and second, I have no memory of anything with them. I asked my friend afterwards and she said that it wasn't something she saw or that was consistent with what I was like at school or home. I can only think that my sister has stirred up a lot of poison. That accusation has really got to me, and I have been pre-occupied with wondering if I did bully them? I remember very little from before I was 17. But am haunted by the idea of having been a bully.

Anyway, it was a nasty thing to do to me at that point.

[SisterBlue]

Hi Lilith. Just like WOBG, my sister is much like yours. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Is this the end now? You don't have to do/arrange anything else? If so, I'm glad for you.

I'm sure your sister's friend is one or her flying monkeys and they're gaslighting you.

As far as all the pretending.... I've found with mine, that the narrative has to fit the story they tell themselves about who they are and who the people they deem worthy of their time are. And that's usually that they're paragons. It's hard to take but I'm working hard on making it not my problem.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so angry on your behalf Lilith. What an awful thing for someone to say to you, at your mother's funeral at that! Please don't give this any consideration. There is no grain of truth in it. It's much more likely that your sister bullied her friend and then convinced her it was you! At any rate no healthy person would behave in this way. I hope you can put everything behind you, now that the funeral is over.

[Lillith65]

Thank you both. I wish I could remember more clearly because the accusation has haunted me.

My mother's house is now emptied. We did so many trips to the charity shops with dozens and dozens of bags and boxes. My sister doesn't have a car (wilful waif - never learned to drive even though she was given the opportunity several times.) but her daughter doesn't have an and came over a few times. She never took a single thing apart from what she wanted for herself. The other thing that annoyed me was that neither of them even bothered to bring the boxes and bags downstairs for us to collect.

I am also still waiting for the £75 which was collected at my mother's funeral for a local cat charity. My sister keeps saying 'Ooops! Forgot again!' and referring to how tired, ill and forgetful she is 🙄 My husband asked if I was going to give the money myself but I think I've paid enough without being stiffed over that too!

[Lillith65]

That should say, 'her daughter doesn't have a have a car'

[Lillith65]

Today I have realised the depths of my sister's hatred for me, as well as what a good decision it was to be no contact with my mother.

We finished clearing the house (I thought). I had checked the drawers in my mother's bedroom and knew what was in there. My sister told me she had finished cleaning and the house was ready for the landlord to take possession. Then she messaged me that the landlord had found more belongings of my mother's in the drawers of my mother's bedroom. She does not drive and was at home 1O miles away so I volunteered to collect them.

The contents of the drawers was paperwork that I had last seen in the spare room with all the photos that my sister was sorting out. I was left to sort it out and discard the stuff. To do this I had to go through it in case any of it was important or interesting for my sister and wider family.

She had put the letter that my mother wrote in the drawer so that I would find it.

Just letting that sink in.

I read it - stupid! I was tired, and once I realised what it was I couldn't stop myself. The things she said about me and the lies were unbelievable and incredibly hurtful. I am furious and hurting. I wish that she were still alive so that I could tell her what I feel. Instead I have ranted at the sky.

And all the time that I did what I could for her in the last few months of her life she knew what she'd written about me. And clearly my sister had also read it and deliberately left it for me to find.

To top it all, I was watching a TV show to distract myself, when one of the characters started talking about the biological bond and love that a mother has for her children. Just reminded me how much of what we believe is fiction and myth.

Thank God it is almost over.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry, Lillith. What a horrible thing for your sister to do and yet so typical of the PD behaviour. It's so unsettling to know that another human being who is supposed to care for us takes pleasure in hurting us and seeing us suffer. As for your mum, you behaved towards her according to your moral code and what your heart told you to do; how she behaved towards you shows her huge innate deficiency in love and empathy. It's not a reflection on you. You were wise to keep your distance from both of them. I hope your dealings with your sister come to an end soon and you can find some peace.