A surgery and a sporting event

[Hopeful Spine]

I have returned to vent about my toxic in-laws.  I appreciate this place because I don't want to complain to friends who have heard it all before. I never know if I'm being too petty (sometimes I am) and this is a safe place to get my feelings out.

My husband had emergency surgery on Wednesday night.  His appendix has burst and there was a lot of infection.  Even so, it was a routine surgery and the medical team moved quickly on the infection.  I text his family with these facts and tell them I expect to take him home the following day.  I few people "liked" the comment.  A few people "loved" it.  Even a few prayer emojis.  A few comments, "Oh that sucks."  "Hope you feel better."  "Saying a prayer for you."

I rolled my eyes because this is exactly what I expect - very basic comments - and it's fine.

Then complications kick in and he's hospitalized longer.  In total he spent 5 days in the hospital dealing with an increasingly serious medical issue.  He had a painful medical procedure to ease the pain in general.  I update every step of the way with basic info and more personal comments such as "he's having a really bad day".  A few of my in laws are in the medical field and would have known how uncomfortable these efforts would be to a patient.

Not only do we continue to receive the bland comments - we are treated to a series of photos and enthusiastic comments.  One of my nieces is in a big high school sporting event and many of them attended to cheer her on.  They were having BLAST!  Only my MIL reached out to my husband for personal connection.  On the day he was the worst and unable to respond she finally reached out to me.  A text chain with 20 people not one other person reach out to either of us to say, "can I visit?"  "Are you okay?"  "Can I pray with you?"

Luckily my family, our friends, and the people at our church were amazing.  I was texting, texting, texting in my downtime.  Updating the people who were reaching out to me and my husband.  We had people visiting, we had an amazing medical team.  We had everything we needed - except for the support of my husband's family.

And I could even sort of accept that they weren't supportive.  We didn't NEED them to be supportive.  We had plenty of support and love.  It was the constant reminder that they care about stuff (the sporting event) - just not us.

I almost texted a terrible picture of my husband in his hospital bed.  To drive home that their fun selfie is hilarious - good for them - but we're not having such a great day.  Today I'm feeling a growing anger and want to text something profound to the group text.  But I know it will do nothing.  And my husband will not want me to do that.  I know that these people won't agree that they were insensitive or callous.  When he had issues with his gall bladder, when he had a parasite that wrecked his body for months, when his business burnt down, and now - there was nothing more than a few texts.  It's completely different when another sibling is reporting their news - both good and bad.

I kept quiet about it because I didn't want my husband to get discouraged.  But when we got home and got settled into bed he shared similar feelings.  We really can't see a solution other than to accept their behavior, love them for who they are, and make some new boundaries.

I'm so angry with myself that I continue to allow these people to spark this in me.  We had so much love, support, prayer, offers, gifts and text from people who checked in every day.  There were people from our church that we barely know who received the church prayer chain and decided to reach out with encouraging words.  I wish everyone who has experienced a hard time would feel this sort of love.  So WHY can't I focus on these beautiful people instead of venting about this family? 

Someone please tell me how to let it go.  How to deal with these people when my husband doesn't yet want to give up.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm so sorry and I too will pray for your husband's complete recovery. You really have been through it! Good for you on building the support you need and deserve outside of your uncaring in-laws.

I'm there as well. I think you know what to do though, because you said it: "...accept their behavior, love them for who they are, and make some new boundaries."

That last bit I think is your magic key. How much effort are you willing to put into updating people who have shown you they just don't care that much? How much effort is healthy for you? A natural consequence of treating people poorly is that they stop trusting you with their vulnerability and weakness and need.

The anger is very reasonable, don't get me wrong. But it's there because of an injustice. Your husband is entitled to courtesy and care, and every time he doesn't get it, when you get crappy blah texts or radio silence, or insensitive self-centered messages, it's going to come around again. I think the thing you can do for yourself is limit your exposure.

Good luck. It does really hurt when the lack of care is on full display like this. I know for me, when I am receiving kindness, it's very likely to bring up grief because I did not receive kindness and care where I was in fact entitled to it, even now 8 years NC. It's just hard. But it's less hard than banging my head against the wall trying to get love from my FOO.

[Hopeful Spine]

The anger is very reasonable, don't get me wrong. But it's there because of an injustice. Your husband is entitled to courtesy and care, and every time he doesn't get it, when you get crappy blah texts or radio silence, or insensitive self-centered messages, it's going to come around again. I think the thing you can do for yourself is limit your exposure.

Limiting exposure is great advice.  I have lost toxic friends (because they cut ME off) and it hurt.  It hurts badly to have someone with almost no friends decided that you aren't good enough for them anymore.  But with no expose to them - it's been easy to come to terms with things and move on.  Being a former people-pleaser I've experienced this many times in my growth.  When I get away from them, I can see the dysfunction and acknowledge that those issues were more "them" than "me".  Or I can even accept when the problem has been me and I move on.  Luckily I'm at a point now where I am careful meeting new people and I am able to set up boundaries.  It's easy to love them, treat them kindly, but to back away before I am sucked into nonsense.

But this family is different.  In my face.  Constantly dismissive.  My husband is unwilling to go LC or NC.  I HAVE to figure out a way to behave with them.

First, we live in small neighboring towns.  We run into people often. 

Second, he feels close with some older siblings and they share a common hobby.  When they are together they have an amazing time and he feels rooted in solidarity with them.  It would be a huge loss for him to not have this.  (Note: one of these siblings was the worst on that text chain)

Third, we love our nieces and nephews who all seem to be great people growing into fun adults.  We'd hate to lose that element of family.

Fourth, he cannot do anything that will hurt his mother.  From my vantage point - his mother is the problem.  She's super sweet on the surface, church lady, remembers your birthday - all the things.  She has no integrity.  She allows her children to plot against each other.  She's constantly enjoying a party with one person while disparaging another.  Then the following week she's on vacation with that child and pretending that the other one is fine for doing something unsavory.  She brags when invited over to dinner.  It's a popularity contest and she gloats every time she's included in something.  She also pouts when she feels ignored so people take turns including her.  Meanwhile she's priding herself on giant family text chains, pictures on social media, and words of accolades about her children (most of whom are high functioning NARCs).  She wants the appearance of a strong family.  No one seems to want her approval other than my husband.  He's made a lot of mistakes in his early adulthood.  Significant ones.  While he's completely changed and redeemed himself - he can't seem to shake the need to make her happy.  But every time I've gently shared that his mother might be at fault he defends her in a way I can't argue with.

I've already gone LC and fully utilize the grey rock method.  All uncomfortable for me because I like being friendly and chatty.  I'm a different person around them.  If I'm not being guarded I'm being petty.  Once I spent a visit with my MIL and I was as charming as could be.  But the whole time I'm thinking, "okay lady, I've talked to you about your sisters, your church, your service group, your other children.  I've asked about your hobbies, your home improvement, your high school friends.  I've shown interest in looking at your pictures, making conversation about local stuff.  Ask me about MY parents.  Once!  Ask me about MY work, MY friends.  Ask how the big project at OUR home is going?  Come on, ask me ONE question about MY life that I share with your son."

That is a terrible way to have a conversation.  I so annoyed with myself for thinking this way.

Good luck. It does really hurt when the lack of care is on full display like this. I know for me, when I am receiving kindness, it's very likely to bring up grief because I did not receive kindness and care where I was in fact entitled to it, even now 8 years NC. It's just hard. But it's less hard than banging my head against the wall trying to get love from my FOO.

I know what you mean.  The texts I received from other family and friends were so overwhelmingly wonderful - I felt guilt.  Being accepted on all these others levels makes me feel unworthy within the family texts.  Like I'm not so hot.  If I was a great person then the family would finally give me support. 

I pray that you shake that feeling of grief and embrace those who love you now.  The feelings from your FOO are so strong.  My own FOO wasn't great so when I got sucked into my husband's family it was love bombs and beauty.  How quickly it all changed.

Thank you so much for your kind words.  I appreciate getting to vent to someone who understands.

[Hopeful Spine]

The cycle continues.  Today my husband started to defend is family. 

"The sporting event WAS a big deal.  Brother deserved to share that with others."  (Yeah but he shared that with 4 other siblings who were right there with him.  No need to really blast the family text chain.)

My husband is still acknowledging that he can count on his friends more than his brothers.  But he just can't allow himself to view them in a negative light - regardless of how true it is.

I read something yesterday that gave me pause.  A devotional that said to not be sad about things and to instead put trust in God's plan for your life.  The devotional was deep and my first reading I thought that was terrible advice.  Certainly you can be sad about a failed marriage, cancer, freak accidents.  Those are difficult, terrible things.

But reading deeper I could see all the meanings. 

Do not be sad if you are excluded from a friends outing.  Perhaps God doesn't want you to be with those people. 

Do not be sad if you overhead someone gossiping about you.  Perhaps God wants you to avoid this person and keep strong boundaries.

When you start thinking about these less serious examples you can almost cross over to:

Do not be sad if you have cancer.  Perhaps God want you on this specific journey for a reason.  I know this sounds really "woo woo" but the last day my husband was at the hospital the morning did not start out well.  He had hit a wall of depression.  We got him cleaned up, walking and eating a little and he improved.  The cleaning woman came in and overheard our church service we were watching online.  She chatted a little about her faith journey and admitted that she wasn't attending anywhere.  We encouraged her to visit our church and gave her a card with the service times.  I doubt we will ever see her again but something in that conversation seemed significant.  And then my husband's health shifted and I wondered, "wow, was it God's plan to keep us here, to be present at this time, to chat with THIS woman, and plant some seeds?"  I know that sometimes those thoughts are a stretch, but man, who knows?

Do not be sad if your marriage fails.  Perhaps God have a more perfect partner in mind for you.  Or He's keeping your children safe.  Or greater happiness is on the other side.  I have been there!!!  My marriage failed many times and I feel the sadness - only to be greatly rewarded in the end.

Time and again I have been hurt, annoyed, embarrassed, belittled, and discarded by these people.  And yet I continue to lament and vent and complain.  And try again.  Here's the new theory.

Do not be sad when your husbands family treats you poorly.  Perhaps God wants you to pour yourself into your own family, you friends, your church, or even complete strangers.  Perhaps God's path for you includes a blueprint of people that you will enjoy.  People that you can help. 

So I'm going to take the path of walking beside my husband on his journey within his family.  I will feel that pain but discard it quickly.  These are not our people.  God does not want me to focus my time on people who party too much, are religiously confused, and unwilling to grow.  God does not want us to pump a dry well.  God does not want us to waste our love on people who will reject it.  My prayer is that we can make a difference with our nieces and nephews, soften some hearts, and learn more about boundaries.

God does not want me to question WHY we aren't worthy of my in-law's love.  God wants me to simply accept it and focus on others.  For His plan.  Not mine.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Our Lord also says, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." Blessing always comes through suffering. The Resurrection comes by means of the Crucifixion.

I'm wary of anyone or any devotional that says, "Don't be sad," frankly. God does certainly turn all things for good, but so often religious resources turn to toxic positivity because they just do not grasp the redemptive power of human suffering. The end of a marriage, etc. may be a blessing in disguise, but grief is real and necessary and the path to healing. Colossians 1:24 is a real mystery.

You ARE worthy of your in-laws' love!!! That you did not receive it from them is something to be accepted, yes, but that itself is a process and a stage of grief. "Simply accepting," for most of us isn't that simple. And that's just human. I hope this perspective is helpful.

[Tribe16]

Do not be sad when your husbands family treats you poorly.  Perhaps God wants you to pour yourself into your own family, you friends, your church, or even complete strangers.  Perhaps God's path for you includes a blueprint of people that you will enjoy.  People that you can help. 

So I'm going to take the path of walking beside my husband on his journey within his family.  I will feel that pain but discard it quickly.  These are not our people.  God does not want me to focus my time on people who party too much, are religiously confused, and unwilling to grow.  God does not want us to pump a dry well.  God does not want us to waste our love on people who will reject it.  My prayer is that we can make a difference with our nieces and nephews, soften some hearts, and learn more about boundaries.

God does not want me to question WHY we aren't worthy of my in-law's love.  God wants me to simply accept it and focus on others.  For His plan.  Not mine.

I love your insight. Sometimes I wonder if God is showing me how NOT to mother. How NOT to grandmother.

[Poison Ivy]

I think that it's okay to be sad and learn from the experience and try to move on from the experience. Emotions exist for a reason.

[Hopeful Spine]

I'm wary of anyone or any devotional that says, "Don't be sad," frankly. God does certainly turn all things for good, but so often religious resources turn to toxic positivity because they just do not grasp the redemptive power of human suffering. The end of a marriage, etc. may be a blessing in disguise, but grief is real and necessary and the path to healing. Colossians 1:24 is a real mystery.

Thanks for your entire post.  I failed to include the more deep dive of the devotional which was "grieve, heal, and THEN don't be sad." 

I've been dealing with these feelings for years now so this devotional hit me hard, as in, "yes, it is time to wrap up the grieving and stop being sad."

Better things are ahead!!!

[Hopeful Spine]

I love your insight. Sometimes I wonder if God is showing me how NOT to mother. How NOT to grandmother.

I once had a boss that was really difficult and dismissive.  Of course my "people pleasing" kept me at that job far too long.  But I did take note of how I want to NOT behave when I became a boss.

[Hopeful Spine]

I think that it's okay to be sad and learn from the experience and try to move on from the experience. Emotions exist for a reason.

Thanks for that view.  I agree.  Sometimes you have to feel those emotions and even suffer.  You want to learn and move on.

I had such opportunity last night.  A sister-in-law gave very little effort of comfort in the text chain with my husbands health.  Hurtful, especially since she was heavily featured in pics of her having a blast at aforementioned sporting event.  Last night she started a new text chain with just local people, urging people to check out the northern lights.  This was not surprising.  She often does this after she's been dismissive.  Or if a family gathering is in the future.  I suspect that she will send another sort of message a little closer to Thanksgiving.  That way, when she sees us, she can pretend that she's a great sister who reaches out often.

I simply muted conversation and went to bed.  That relationship is going to neither improve or decline regardless of how I respond.