Feeling Deflated

[bumblebee77]

Hi everyone, I am new here. I was directed here by my therapist actually. I have been with my partner for 2 years now. I am at the point that I just feel drained, sad, deflated and not seen. A part of me feels guilty for making this post, but I know I need some guidance, or heck, even a "I see you, I understand" at this point. I have been having a hard time with their behaviours that have honestly been here since day 1. I feel like I have had the wool over my eyes but now I am starting to see things clearly. I want to list a few that have really stuck with me, and ultimately have left me hurt.

Let's begin when we first started dating, and then we will go into more recent things. Mind you I can't remember everything, these are the things that I have kept record of, or things that felt me saying "HUH?!"

- Got upset with me because I did not give him an earlier invitation to thanksgiving dinner with my family. Stated "I have broken up with girls after 4 months of dating because they didn't take me around their family enough" We were dating for less than a month at this point. I did end up crying because of this.

- Has a strong dislike for my sister because she didn't ask him enough questions about himself upon their first meeting, has labeled her as "rude" "mean girl" etc.

- We were at his friend's wedding, sitting at a table together, quietly watching everyone dance as we had a drink. Proceeded to become upset with me because I wasn't talking to him enough and he felt embarrassed because of such.

- Has made me cry numerous times during arguments because he bull dozes the conversation to the point that I can't get a word in. I end up feeling frustrated, and small

- Has made me cry because he got upset over the fact that I didn't want to sleep over

- I have been called cruel, gaslighter, insensitive, sensitive, emotional, emotionless, and defensive in arguments

- I got botox once in my forehead and in-between my eyebrows. Godforbid. Was told numerous times that he hates the botox because I seemed emotionless and that I had a bitch face which made me seem cold

- Every nice event is ruined because of something that I do. We went to an Airbnb and we were outside relaxing, I was doodling in my journal when he said "You're so emotionless" which lead to me defending myself and it turned into this big thing. I don't have any nice memories that I can look back on

- Cares very deeply how other people see him

- Fears being broken up with, has said that his exes have just up and left him

- Is HIGHLY critical of other people, especially if they do not say, or do the right thing towards him

- I recently opened up and told him that he hurt me, and has hurt me during arguments and disagreements, especially with the name calling and character mislabeling. He did apologize and asked for a second chance, I said yes. But now, It has morphed from me being hurt, to me apologizing for even bringing it up because of the sheer amount of anxiety he is experiencing over the notion that I may just end up leaving him anyways. He has started telling me all of the things that I need to improve on in order to make him feel more secured and loved. like HUH?!

- Let his frustration out on me, by very aggressively telling me that my sister upset him because she didn't buy us a pizza. I was not allowed to get one word in the conversation and it ended with him saying "Is that okay with you? great, thanks", shutting the lights off and going to bed. I ended up crying myself to sleep. I felt so, so small. Like I was nothing. That is what opened my eyes to everything. Because I was on a trip that I was so happy and excited about and it was ruined on the first night.

- Have witnessed lash out on his friends and his mom

- When I was disappointed about suggesting going on a little date night, which we have not done in a year, I was told "I'm so sick of this attitude"


These are just a few things, but even in daily conversations I notice little things that are unusual. I was in a 5 year relationship previous to this one and I feel like that is my only guiding light. My 5 year relationship was so happy, so healthy and I actually felt like a partner, a team if you will. I know what it feels like to be in a healthy relationship. In this one I feel deflated, sad, my whimsy is gone, I used to look up at the starry night sky and have wonder..I don't have that right now. I used to write poetry and paint...I don't do that anymore. I feel like a piece of fruit stuck in jello. I know this behaviour is not appropriate, but I feel like I  can't get out.

Sorry that this is so long, and maybe not super coherent.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm so sorry, Bumblebee.  It's sad to think you had wonder and joy and creative inspiration that have all been buried.  I must say I find it heartening to hear you had a relationship which supported those things instead of trying to destroy them.  What a great reference point and goal for the future!

It all sounds very familiar to me from my ex.  It was like he felt I always needed to be brought down a peg or two and my wings clipped. Nice plans always ruined.  I remember once on a weekend seeing a family happily riding their bikes together, maybe to go have a picnic, all smiling.  And I thought to myself "You will never have that with him."  I stayed a while longer and I was right.  It only got worse.

Read through our toolbox.  Maybe some of the threads that seem pertinent.  Keep sharing.  I've been here some years off and on.  It has been wonderful support for me.  Knowing I'm not alone and hearing what's worked for others has been great.   We're with you!

[Rebel13]

Hi Bumblebee,

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I like very much that you remembered your past relationship and realized it was not like this. You know things can be different.

I don't know if you're ready to leave, or still contemplating, but I would recommend looking at the posts of square and MaxedOut on this forum. They both have amazing insights and have shared a lot of their experience and process of HOW to leave, as well as naming problematic dynamics. Here are two from MaxedOut that I particularly liked:
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=96348.msg815215#msg815215
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=96487.msg816065#msg816065

All the best to you. You deserve joy and happiness in your "one wild precious life" as Mary Oliver says.

[MaxedOut]

Thanks for the kind words, Rebel13. Bumblebee, I am a year out now and life is so much better on the other side. I take good care of me. Plus not being subject to all then familiar sounding stuff you mention is life changing.

I recommend the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship - a lot of the dynamic you mention will probably click into place as making sense when you read the author's (Patricia Evans') explanation of Reality 1 and Reality 2 (which will be a real "reality check" about what you are dealing with).

I'm guessing I wrote the second post Rebel linked after really letting what Evans speaks of settle in (and hitting the mental playback button on past stuff and comparing things that happened against her framework).

Another good read for some of the stuff you mention is Emotional Blackmail, but Evans really has the goods when it comes to understanding (and accepting the reality of) several things you talk about.

Also know that there is a fair chance that many of these incidents weren't about whatever things you/someone said/didn't say. Thinking about the details/logic/unfairness is usually just thickening the fog. The ones about social situations and other relationships have that vibe, plus PD threat and isolation drives, to me.

I came to understand that many of the conflicts with my ex were just going to happen, period, because she had some inner emotional stuff going on. Whatever she said I or others did to start it were not all that material. If I had a time machine and went back to play my part differently it would have been a frustrating loop of Groundhog Day - attempt 37 to head off anger.... (or the Kobayashi Maru scenario for Star Trek fans). For sure I learned many, many specific things that could set her off... but some days they didn't matter... and some days it was all new stuff... but over time it created a handy library for her to feel entitled to anger, lashing out, etc. And I came to see that trying different angles or approaches didn't seem to have an effect, while those efforts just made me smaller and quieter and less authentic over time.

Documenting incidents with dates showed me it was often more about the calendar than any external stuff. Seeing documented tension building, escalation, and peaking progressions repeating through time made me see a Cycle of Abuse pattern more clearly (search for that and check images to see diagrams of what I mean if unfamiliar). It was "helpful" that she happened to be in a pattern for a while of several days of ratcheting conflict and blowups coming every 6 weeks, on loop.

The documenting also helped me understand what the likely trajectory was when anger or conflict started appearing (e.g., likely to pass, could escalate but soothable, I can do no right nor can others, protect myself and others). Anyway the patterns may not be as clear in your case but it sounds like you are at least mentally tracking specifics. I went through the toolbox to be able to see and have a name for stuff and make brief notes with dates in a google doc and after a few months looked over it.

[SeaBreeze]

I'm sorry you're in a relationship that leaves you feeling deflated. We would all hope our partners lift us up, not tear us down.

I spent the first half of a 25 year marriage to now ex-uNPDh with a similar dynamic. Bent over backwards to prove my love. Walked on eggshells at home to prevent blow-ups. Monitored his moods in social settings to avert public conflict and/or private scoldings/punishments afterward. Meanwhile, ex benefited in that 1. My attention was always focused on him and 2. He got a compliant spouse, kids' problems off his radar, perfectly maintained home, etc out of it while 3. He got to act however he wanted with no consequences. I eventually tired of tying myself in codependent knots for him, came Out of the FOG, started focusing on myself, and finally left for good 2-1/2 years ago.

This forum helped get me through the years I stayed, and it helped me when I decided to leave. I hope and trust you will find amazing support here as well. Agree with others to explore the handy dandy Toolbox as a starting point in your own journey.

[GraceUnderPressure]

I'm sorry you feel deflated enough to post here. A lot of those things you experienced match what I have been through. In fact, just last night at a wedding, I wasn't involved enough in a conversation at the reception, and my wife asked me to leave the room - similar to what you would do to a child that's been acting up. Any perception of boredom or aloofness is a trigger. In my nearly 20 year-long relationship, it's easy to be thrown off balance emotionally. Here is what I found is helpful, to focus on:

How discussions go when you bring up his behavior. Is it flipped back on you? Do you end up apologizing or soothing him? Do you feel worse afterward? Does it always feel like a power imbalance? Do you agonize bringing up anything that bothers you? Are you the only person they treat this way? In my case, I'm finally getting to the point to trust my own feelings, and that my feelings matter. It's taken a lot of years and growth to get that to sink in. I'm finally speaking in more blunt terms and not trying to appease or sugar-coat things in our discussions.

[toe2toe]

Well put Grace Under Pressure. It seems like you have some experience dealing with this.

Answering your questions in your second paragraph:
1. trying to talk about her Bx is a recipe for disaster.
2. It is always flipped back on to me. Denial, the attack, then reverse victim offender plays out.
3. I usually end up apologizing because I want the turmoil to end.
4. I feel horrible afterwards, left thinking, wait a damn minute...The original conversation was about her but somehow I was the center of attention.
5. Her position is elevated while my position is quite lowly, like pond scum.
6. I think I have successfully brought up something to her about 15 times in 20 years of marriage. Maybe less.
7. I definitely take the brunt of her *hit. I know others have experienced it but not the degree I have.

Also, your mailbox is full. You have to delete your inbox before I can respond to your email.