Pet names as jabs?

[Username]

My uBPD/Narcissistic parent has a sibling whose children went no contact. I have noticed that my parent subtly rubs that into the sibling's face. In the past year, that has also taken the form of calling me a pet name when I have called while they are together. Not a pet name that was ever used before. For the sake of anonymity, let's say the petname is Babyface. It makes me angry because it is both cruel and dishonest (it's also a weird pet name). I asked my parent to not call me this name anymore. With a bit of typical victim-mode reaction, my parent agreed. That was a few months ago. Recently, I have limited my contact with my parent. So, now, I have been called this pet name in the last 3 conversations we have had. The first time, I got off the phone. The 2nd time, I gently reminded that I asked to not be called that. The 3rd time I was taken by surprise b/c I wasn't expecting it since things were rolling along normally. When my parent said,"Oh! I'm sorry, that just came out!" I said, it's okay (irritated with myself about that, by the way!). Anyway, most people would probably think I'm making a big deal about this. Am I? Or is this a legit thing that happens with Narcissists? It feels backed by cruelty and anger at me...and a pathetic attempt to one up me. So, it is just another thing in a long string of things that makes me want nothing to do with my parent. I would love some feedback about this! Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? If not, do any of you have suggestions on handling it?

[Poison Ivy]

It seems as though your parent is "using" you to get at the parent's sibling. If I were in your situation, I would be bothered by this.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You don't like the pet name. The end. If it were truly a mark of affection, it wouldn't be this weird power game. You're not the one who's creating this problem.

As a matter of fact one of my daughters has a pet name my husband used for her, but now that she's older, it's a bit embarrassing to her. She asked him to drop it and it was not an issue. He has forgotten on occasion and used it out of habit, but it was acknowledged and corrected and we've moved on.

If anything the pet name only comes out when we're just in our own family, not with other people around. If you're noticing it's a thing only when this sibling is around, that speaks to an icky ulterior motive. I would want it to stop too.

[Catothecat]

My grandmother, who had some type of psychological disorder I've never been able to figure out, used the petname "Dolly."  She used it when she felt affection for you, but when she turned against you, it was used like a weapon.  And she used it for various people including my mother and sister.  It's hard to explain, I know, because it seems so innocuous, except it wasn't.  There was purpose behind it. 

I think the best thing is to ignore it. It's being used as a trigger, or a button pusher, and they know it. 

[bloomie]

Username - it seems like you handled this well and also, possibly, you are regretting saying: "It's okay." when your parent used the name again and acknowledged you didn't want to be called that. Part of my own journey has been to be understanding of myself when I am caught off guard and respond differently than I would if I had had more warning. That is a big step for me to offer myself.

So, you moved past it with grace and will have something in your back pocket to say should it happen again. And that you spoke up in the first place is progress and showing awareness that you do not want to be called this name and willingness to advocate for yourself. 

just a quick note: we moved your thread over to PD Parents for you! 

[xredshoesx]

just chiming in that my biological mother would not even use my government name.....her logic was I named you X so I could call you Y.......

I hated my name as a child, but I hated her nickname for me even more.  gentle hugs to you today and I second that you handled this gracefully with respect to your own peace.

[Freedom]

From experience, I think that pet names can definitely be used in a passive-aggressive way.  I'm 52 and I recently called out my father for calling me a name I disliked and felt like a jibe at my appearance, he didnt talk to me for a month. So childish. If you don't like being called a pet name, you've done the right thing by calling it out and reminding.

[Tribe16]

I think "pet names" are just another form of control. My mother gives every family member a pet name. As a kid she'd call me the pet name in public and I remember being teased by other kids in Scouts or school and feeling pretty humiliated.

She still does it - she calls a great grandchild whom she hardly ever sees by a shortened version of her name. She's been corrected but she still does it. The annoying thing is the name she's chosen is also the name of one of my kids dogs. She doesnt care.

I agree, I think it's a passive aggressive reflex.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Yes, I do think pet names are used as jabs or to diminish. It seems to me you have awareness of such behaviors and accurately assessed the dynamic. I do not think you are making a mountain out of a molehill at all.

My pet name was "stinky". Yep, stinky. It likely came about as a child when I was in diapers, but they kept on saying it. "Hey, stinky, how are you?" Yes, it was embarrassing. I mostly ignored it until a few years ago when I was coming Out of the FOG and realized how bad it was. You cannot look at anyone, call them 'stinky', and think anything good. 

I think you are handling it well. You expressed your boundary. The only other thought I have is to just not reply at all the next time they say it (and I assume there will very likely be a next time). They may register what they just did when you do no reply and change the verbiage and THEN you can reply to that as rewarding the desired behavior.       

[Lillith65]

Pet names are definitely another passive aggressive weapon. I do remember my Dad coining the name 'French cut Katy' for me. I was 12 and my aunt had given me a pair of trousers that I loved. She told us that they were French cut. My Dad tormented me every time I wore the trousers and I stopped wearing them.

My mother who never used pet names, made up names for people that she knew. Horrible names. Zebedee was a woman who was always out and about, helping others and just generally energetic. 'Bandy Mandy' was another neighbour who was in a relationship but not married. The 'bandy' is a crude sexual slur referring to a woman whose legs are always open. Delightful.

My mother was incredibly two-faced and would be publicly polite to others while ripping them to shreds once they had left. Of course, it was only my Dad and me and me and my sister that she said it to.

[walking on broken glass]

My sister used a pet name for me, the ending of which sounded like 'little slut'. Somehow I don't think it was accidental.

[Lillith65]

Nasty.