How to deal with my aunt

[TimetoHeal]

Thanks, Rebel!

My aunt doesn't have children and she's always treated me and my sister like her children. She might be scared I will cut off contact with her but ironically she's doing everything she can to push me to that direction!

I think her logic is 'I have suffered manipulation and abuse from family and I did not walk away, so you shouldn't either, because if I accept that your reaction is valid, that means I should reexamine my own behaviour and boundaries and that's inconvenient for me. Best to stick to the family values and tradition instead of challenging them.'

It's sad but not uncommon.

This make a lot of sense.  I find the people that are the hardest to talk to about my boundaries with my family are my friends/acquaintances that also have dysfunctional family and have not set any boundaries for themselves. 

[walking on broken glass]

I got a notification from the post office that a package from my aunt is on its way to me. They just won't let it go, will they? I fear there will be letters in the package. Ugh 😤

[GoodPesto]

Hi WOBG,

I get packages from someone in my FOO I do not want to be in touch with who uses this opportunity to get a message through (letter). Last time I returned the unopened envelope to the sender for the first time which felt good. But it didn't prevent me from getting another package lately, this time I tore the letter apart without reading it and put it in the bin. You are allowed to protect yourself from the content is what I am saying, I guess.
Also to put it aside and read it whenever you are ready is an option. No need to rush yourself into absorbing the content due to social standards.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Good Pesto That's good advice. I will see how I feel when the package arrives. I am sorry you are dealing with this too.

[Adria]

I'm so sorry walking on broken glass,

I am proud of you for writing your aunt and saying what you felt needed to be said.  Her response is heartbreaking. However, at least you tested the waters and now you know. 

You can look at the money two ways.  You can send it back which would definitely send a message that you're done even with the abuse from her. Or you can keep it, and tell yourself, that's the least she could do for how she treated you, and that this is what she owes you.  I guess it depends on how you want to move forward with her.

Wish you the best.

[Rebel13]

Ugh, yes, this is kind of typical, but with my mom at least it has waned over time. If you choose not to respond or to decrease contact, the attempts at contact might decrease. A certain cohort of people like attention and if they don't get it, they give up. Of course, others only ramp up the chaos if they are ignored. I hope your aunt is not like that.

[walking on broken glass]

It was my birthday the other day and I had made sure to block all channels of communication for my family. I have created a folder where family emails go and I checked it today and saw that my aunt had emailed me with 'happy birthday' and some other typical wishes. The crazy thing was that in the middle of the email, with no coherence or explanation, she had inserted the barcode for the package she has sent me. Make it make sense! My mum hadn't emailed and my sister's emails go straight to the bin.

[TimetoHeal]

I'm so sorry this is still ongoing, WOBG.  My mother does stuff like this, orders me junk off of Amazon and emails me the receipt so I can see it.    Like, why?

[walking on broken glass]

I haven't had any contact with my aunt since our exchange of emails before Christmas, when I said all I had to say and she replied in a very disappointing way, putting the burden for the family rift on me and guilt-tripping me. I have blocked her number but she can send me emails, and she had written to me to say merry christmas and happy new year. I didn't respond. She now wrote to me again saying 'are you ok, my little one?'. My immediate reaction was anger and exasperation. I am hesitating between a) not replying, b) replying with 'yes' and nothing more. I don't want to open a channel of communication – she has burned that bridge – but I can't help feeling bad, that I somehow make her worry about me through my silence. But I have explained where I stand and I am not responsible for her feelings. So should I just keep my silence?
I feel like I am going in circles here 

[walking on broken glass]

Update.
I didn't respond to my aunt. Today, I.e. three days after the first email, she sent another one. The metamorphosis was truly terrifying and it shook me to my core. She wrote that she can't believe how callous I am, that I clearly couldn't wait to get rid of them all of these years and it must have been difficult for me to pretend I loved them. She said I found other people to replace them and hope I am happy. That it is human to make mistakes and it is inhuman of me not to accept that and accept their apology (what apology?!). A truly horrible email. What makes it even more shocking is that my aunt had never said a cross word to me before in my life. She sounded unhinged and full of venom.

I guess I did well not to reply.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Amazing how she can read your mind now and know how you really felt for years, and how your relationships stand in your life now, when the feelings you actually shared with her registered not one bit and she doesn't even know if you're okay.

But wow wow wow I'm struck once again by how much this appears to be projection. Callous, pretended love, discarding people, inhuman... ✅✅✅✅

Yes, you're doing well. I'm so sorry you received this message.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks Cordelia ♥️
So much projection!

[Rebel13]

WOW. That is a really amazing example of switching channels there, from charm to rage in only three days/one interaction! I'm so sorry you had to experience that, but also glad that she showed her true colors. I felt so bad for you when you said " I can't help feeling bad, that I somehow make her worry about me through my silence. " I'm wondering how you feel now, looking back at that? I'm hoping you feel like you did the best thing for you -- but also that you have the awareness that her feelings were nothing like what you thought they were, i.e., how you would feel in her shoes.

None of us have to feel guilty for setting boundaries or making choices about who we include in our lives and how. Other people's emotions are theirs to manage, just like we have to manage ours. (Writing that for myself as much as anyone.)

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you Rebel!
Yes, one of the first things I thought was how right I was not to respond to her, and how conditional all that 'love' was. Still so shocking to experience and quite scary.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You know another thing this sudden change tells me? The former expressions were tactics to obtain a desired result. When she didn't get the desired result within a tolerable window, that mask came right off and who even knows whether the next approach is even the true self or simply a tactical shift. But either way, yes, it's scary to witness.

Weirdly similar to an experience I had with my MIL several months into my NC with her. She sent me a "nice" email asking me to please let her back into my life and start fresh I'll be respectful blah blah blah. I took a bit of time to think about it. On day three she switched tacks and instead of waiting for a response, simply started dumping long "updates" and blowing up my phone with photos. 

I wonder if there's something psychologically about the three day limit for being on good behavior. As Benjamin Franklin had it, fish and houseguests began to stink after three days.

[walking on broken glass]

You know another thing this sudden change tells me? The former expressions were tactics to obtain a desired result. When she didn't get the desired result within a tolerable window, that mask came right off and who even knows whether the next approach is even the true self or simply a tactical shift. But either way, yes, it's scary to witness.

This is spot on! At the very least, when two such different faces are presented to you, you have to ask yourself which one is the real one? It is scary how much they don't have control over their feelings. Even a child would handle a 'no' better.

[NarcKiddo]

The face that is presented when you have stirred up a strong emotion that can be hard for anyone to control is, I think, the most likely to be the real one. I am sorry she is being like this WOBG.

[Rebel13]

You know another thing this sudden change tells me? The former expressions were tactics to obtain a desired result. When she didn't get the desired result within a tolerable window, that mask came right off and who even knows whether the next approach is even the true self or simply a tactical shift.

 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you all.
A friend suggested to me that my aunt will try to get in touch again and that this is not the end. I can't fathom how you can say such things to a person and expect them to talk to you but it shouldn't surprise me. It has happened in the past with my sister and my mum. They are experts at forgetting inconvenient details or expecting you to forget them. At any rate, I have blocked them everywhere. The only thing they can do is send me a letter.

[Sunflower79]

Hi, Walking on Broken Glass,

Sorry to be a lurker- I'm new and just read this saga about your aunt.  Wow, this is really something and no wonder you're having a hard time- getting jerked this way and that.  All of this triangulation stuff brings back some awful memories of people in my family trying to intervene on behalf of my narc parent- is this when you use the term "flying monkeys"?

It's wonderful that you're sticking to your boundaries and not allowing all of this BS to get you to cave.  Really glad to read that you have other supports in place and aren't alone.