How to deal with my aunt

[walking on broken glass]

My aunt, my dad's sister, the only member of my family I am currently in touch with, sent an email to me today. She is asking how I am doing, if everything is ok, and says she's missed me and to video call her when I am available.

I am feeling very conflicted about all this. I love my aunt and we've always been close. But she has been a bystander and an enabler in the whole situation with my mum and my sister. Her stance is that 'this is a misunderstanding' and that I should be the one to 'patch things up' with my mum, and not going to visit her is a mistake I will regret. When I had asked her point blank if she believes the lies my mum says, she deflected and said 'it's not that I believe it BUT you never know what happens behind closed doors'. This hurt me and disappointed me a lot. The last couple of times we talked she did not mention my mum at all but kept asking if I was ok (as if I were the deranged person somehow) and the whole conversation was very superficial and fake. I can't trust her anymore and I don't feel like sharing any parts of my life with her, as I know the info will travel. But at this stage of my life, I don't have the capacity for non genuine relationships. Reading her email made me stress. It also made me angry, because it keeps the pretence. No, everything is not ok, aunt, in case you haven't noticed I have been ostracised by my family and they think my partner is the devil, something which by the way you never fully refuted yourself. Arrgh

How do I respond? She is not receptive to the truth and I know the only relationship we can have is on that level. But I don't want to talk to her. Does this mean I should cut off contact with her too?

[Call Me Cordelia]

No, everything is not ok, aunt, in case you haven't noticed I have been ostracised by my family and they think my partner is the devil, something which by the way you never fully refuted yourself.

How would you feel about saying exactly this? If your aunt is aligning herself with those who say such things about you, of course it's going to have consequences in your relationship with her!

I feel for you, though. I've had many people in my life, including my sister, who tried to "stay neutral," but really just couldn't do it. They wanted to be comfortable and I was perceived to be the one rocking the boat. Whenever I have had the courage to speak truth in those situations, it did end the pretense to neutrality but that was obviously unsustainable anyway. I was glad I did. The way I see it you're considering ending contact so you have very little to lose by just being honest for once and letting her respond how she's going to respond. If it does put a break in the relationship at least it's clean and all know where things stand.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks, Cordelia. I have been thinking about this. The only downside I can imagine is that, if I write to my aunt and air my frustration, she will want to call me and talk about this and I really don't want to hear any more 'yes, but' and other excuses. I could preempt this by writing 'if you are not ready to really support me in what I am going through, I don't want to chat idly about the weather and my work'. But I am not sure I am ready to do this. I am hesitant.

[walking on broken glass]

So I sat down and crafted this message: what do you guys think?

Hi aunty,

Thank you for getting in touch and for thinking of me. However, I want to be honest, because for me it is very difficult to talk as if everything were normal.

This past year has been one of the most painful of my life. After dad died, mum started treating me as if I were the enemy, culminating in accusing me of unimaginable things out of nowhere, and then demonising my partner, also out of nowhere. When I tried to talk to you about all this, you told me that it was a misunderstanding and that the responsibility is on me to explain things to mum and sort it out. But I didn't create any of this — I was on the receiving end of it. And of course I tried to explain, but mum wasn't listening to anything and clung even more to her imagined story. So hearing from you that this is a "misunderstanding" and having the responsibility transferred onto me to fix it was something that hurt me and disappointed me.

Also, when I asked you if you actually believe the things mum is saying about me and my partner, you told me that "it's not that I believe them, but I don't know what happens behind closed doors, I'm not there." That hurt and disappointed me a lot. I felt that you didn't believe me and that you didn't support me at the moment when I needed it the most. How different it would have been if you had told me that everything mum is saying is unacceptable nonsense, that you're really sorry such things were said, that you know I would never do the things I am being accused of, and that I had your full support. And that you know that my partner is a wonderful person and not a ruthless fortune-hunter who wants to isolate me from my family. While dad was alive, he was part of the family. Now that dad is gone, he suddenly became a stranger who cannot be trusted.

In the midst of all this, I don't have the energy to have superficial conversations, as if everything were normal, as if this reality is not sitting in the background. I am not asking you to take sides; I am asking for my truth and my pain to be acknowledged.

I love you very much, but I need distance and calm, and I cannot do a videocall just now. And I needed to say all of this because I don't think you have realised how much this situation has affected me.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I like it, WOBG. I think it's wise you left your sister out of it.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks, Cordelia
I sent it yesterday. She hasn't replied yet.
Of course all my IBS symptoms are flaring up today... sigh

[walking on broken glass]

My aunt replied and it was actually worse than I expected. I am putting her message here but I have translated it from the original language and paraphrased so it's not the original message:

"Thank you for getting in touch and for thinking of me"—this kind of formal phrase doesn't really fit us, but someone more distant.

First of all, you should never doubt that I love you, think of you, and care about you. It's not like we met yesterday, is it?

So, let's clear a few things up. I never said that the responsibility is on you to fix this. What I said was that you should meet in person and resolve it together through a calm discussion.
(I still can't wrap my head around how this whole situation came about, and we are all very upset about it.)

It hurt me very much that you said I didn't believe you or support you when you needed it. I'm truly sorry. It never crossed my mind that you received it that way—you know very well that I am always here for you. I never doubted what you told me. I am genuinely sorry that I made you feel this way without meaning to.

Do you think I'm not sad about the things that were said?

As for the "alienation" you mentioned: if anyone tries to alienate you from your family or from those you love and actually succeeds, then the problem is with you, not with the one attempting it. That would mean you don't have your own personality or your own opinion—and I believe you are not like that. Just remember: you should never allow that to happen with anyone.

This whole situation is not going to be resolved by isolating yourself from all of us, but only through discussion so that your truth can be heard.

As for the word "stranger," I don't think I ever gave you the impression that I consider your husband a stranger. If you have that impression, you shouldn't—it's unfair to me. I don't know what he thinks; we don't know each other well. I believe there was no bigger embrace than the one I opened for him. I thought you knew me and understood that. If he didn't feel it, what can I say—I'm sorry.

I don't want "superficial conversations," as you said, but communication with genuine care and love; otherwise it has no meaning.

Since you don't want contact, I won't bother you—I'll respect that. But know that I am here.
Send me a message now and then, even a single word—"I'm okay"—and that only if you want.

As for the situation with your mother, as you said, it definitely won't magically fix itself, but neither will silence help.
All I want is for you to be well and happy.

Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it.I'm sorry once again—I didn't want you to feel this way. Remember that I love you very much.


Her email got me raging. She is insisting that she did indeed support me. She refuses to acknowledge who created the situation. She tries to emotionally blackmail me and gaslight me. And she talks to me in a patronising way and generally behaves as if a were a victim of domestic abuse. It's so infuriating and sad at the same time. I think I will send one more email to her, spelling out what 'support' means and then I won't bother anymore. They all deserve each other.

[Adria]

I was in the same situation with my aunt.  It started out nice, but then as the years went, even though she acted like she was neutral, I found out she was telling everything I talked about with her to my family.  She also never told me when key people died in my family when she knew she was my only relative I was in contact with.  I   busted her on that one, and she said it wasn't her place, would I please forgive her, and she would never do that again.  But,  she did. 

I think I was desperate for a relative to talk with, but turns out she was a friendly flying monkey.  I think your letter is good. You got to say your peace, but by the things she said to you sounds like she's made up her mind, like she can't be trusted and you should be cautious if you interact with you. 

Our families are very good at their narc manipulative craft.  My sister once told me how they do it to make people believe them.  They don't downright trash us, they drip a one liner here and there and let people's minds take them the rest of the way.  It's evil at it's best, and it's hard to fight that kind of Machiavellian manipulation of people. Personally, I would have no idea how to do it and wouldn't want to, but it makes us always on the defense, and we get caught explaining and looking like the fool.  Chances are, they have been doing this for years and we didn't even know it. 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  It is so hard and gut wrenching.  Tread lightly if at all.  Anything we say, can and will be used against us. Hugs, Adria

[walking on broken glass]

Here is the response I wrote. I don't think I will talk to her again so I went all out:

Aunt,

Let's call things by their name: the situation did not simply "arise" vaguely and out of nowhere. Mum created it when she suddenly accused me of horrible and unthinkable things, without any cause or reason. And it's not true that "we are all sad about the situation": I have been targeted and subjected to verbal and emotional abuse by my own family, which supposedly loves me above all else. The reality is that this situation has a very clear victim and a very clear aggressor, and you downplay it by wrapping it in vague and softened expressions because you don't want to acknowledge it.

The facts are as follows:

Mum accused me that, at the moment when Dad had just died and they had gone to collect the body from the hospital, I supposedly logged into the bank account to check how much money was in it. At first she told me I did it and that she never expected that from me, and then she said that my partner must have made me do it, or that he did it himself because he has my login details.

All of this is lies. And I told her so. And I told her we can call the bank and they will confirm it, and she told me "we won't embarrass ourselves at the bank" and that "she has proof." Obviously she has none, because none of this happened. And that is the reality. So either you believe what I am telling you and you support me in practice, acknowledging that Mum (or someone else) made these things up, or you don't believe me and you believe Mum is right. There is no middle ground. There is no "misunderstanding." And you cannot sit in the middle saying "your mum misunderstood, you didn't discuss it thoroughly" while also telling me you believe and support me. It simply isn't true.

How exactly do you expect me to process the fact that my own mother accused me of such horrible things? How can I process the fact that my own mother invents things about me or listens to the suggestions of others who invent things about me? What further "discussion" can possibly be had about "my daughter and her partner are cold-hearted opportunists who were trying to see what money they would get before her father's body was even cold"? Do you understand how horrific and unthinkable this is? Do you understand that this is something a mother should never even imagine about her daughter? That it is verbal abuse? Why must I defend myself against imaginary accusations? And when your solution to baseless accusations and abuse is "have a discussion" and "resolve it together," you are not only distorting reality, but you are invalidating me personally—my own experience—and hurting me again.

If anyone at all behaved toward me like this, would that really be your advice—to "discuss it" with them? Maybe you believe that when someone insults and abuses you, especially if they are family, you are obliged to tolerate it. I do not believe that. And especially not when it comes from my own family. A stranger who barely knew me would never believe such things about me—let alone my own mother.

And do you know what I kept thinking all this time, from the moment she said those things to me and before we spoke? That there was no way you had heard these things and believed them. No way you would even give them a tiny amount of credibility. The aunt who knows me so well, who has shown so much love to my partner, who always said how lucky I was to find such a good man. You say you believe me and support me. But how are you believing and supporting me when you don't acknowledge that all of this is lies and you don't clearly condemn what Mum said? When you tell me "I don't know what you two do when you're alone" and "I don't know your partner that well." Does that sound like believing and supporting me? And now you tell me: "anyone who tries to estrange you from your family, and succeeds, means that the problem lies within you and not the person trying." You have not understood that the one who is estranging me from my family is the family itself, through the way it is treating me. I understand that the narrative of the "bad outside influence" who came to destroy family unity is very convenient, but allow me to tell you that this is a very convenient construction in order to avoid facing the dysfunctions and pathologies within the family.

And no, when you imply that my partner (because who else are you referring to without naming, leaving it vague as if it isn't obvious who you mean) is isolating me and that I may or may not be stupid enough to allow him to, that is not support.

Open your eyes, Aunt. Neither I nor my partner changed our personalities overnight. And no person—no one—distances themselves from their family unless there are VERY SERIOUS reasons. Mum prefers not to have her daughter in her life than to take responsibility for what she said and apologise for the verbal abuse. And when you take a "neutral position" between someone who abuses and someone who is abused, you are essentially supporting the abuse.

P.S. I don't know if I'll be able to text you to say that I'm okay, because my partner has imposed a limit on my phone usage and only allows me to go outside the basement at certain hours.

P.P.S. The postscript is sarcastic because, who knows, you might actually believe it.

[walking on broken glass]

My aunt replied to my message today. Her reply was even worse than her previous message. Along other things, she said that 'I am throwing my mum to the garbage bin' and how do I expect her to apologise to me when I don't talk to her? At any rate, she will be the go-between and she can tell me that my mum is sorry if she hurt me, she didn't mean to and she apologises 'for all this'.

Well at least now I know for a fact that there is no one on my side and I have been wise to cut ties with all of them.

[Rebel13]

Wow, I am so, so sorry. If you didn't already have enough pain from the struggles with your sister and mother, now you have grief and rage (I would imagine) about the course of your relationship with your aunt as well.

I want to acknowledge your bravery and fierceness in standing up for yourself. I really admire you for not abandoning yourself, not trying to make nice or make excuses. Obviously that's what your aunt wants, for everyone to "just get along," and since you are obviously the one who behaves rationally, she thought she could pressure you to heal the rift and make everything nice in the family again.

Good for you for not giving in. Of course now you have the fallout to deal with, within yourself certainly, and with whatever other flying monkeys your mom deploys on her behalf. I'm sorry about that. So often in these situations it seems like all the choices are bad ones and that's so unfair. I hope you are taking care of yourself in all this.

[SisterBlue]

I'm inspired by your strength and clear language OP. I struggle a lot with this. I'm so sorry it ended up that she was, indeed, complicit. I have had family members I love do this to me to some extent, and it is very painful.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you so much, Rebel and Sister Blue.
My aunt's email was truly awful. She tried to address what I wrote point by point but she denied, gaslighted and deflected again, with a good dose of aggressiveness this time. The non apology on behalf of my mum at the end is just pathetic. She also wrote that I sound 'legalistic' because I talked about verbal and psychological abuse, and what kind of formal acknowledgement that my mum was in the wrong am I expecting of her? It's not a court case. Classic attempt at devaluing and undermining my experience! But I think I struck a chord with her. When I said to her that she may be ok with family treating her this way but I am not, she hit back saying 'I assume you are talking about my relationship with your dad. I can assure you that while we fought, nobody loved me more than your dad, his was true love that I will never experience again'. This actually never occurred to me but it is interesting her mind went there. My dad had narcissistic traits and in many ways bullied and manipulated my aunt. She was in a long fight with him before he died and I know she feels guilty that she was mad at him (she had every right to be angry and I was the only one in the family that saw her side and supported her, which makes her behaviour now even more hurtful). I think she does not want to face my dad's problematic traits and their dysfunctional relationship, so she is rewriting history about how great his love was. She never truly faced any of this and she is mad with me because I am doing what she perhaps wished she had done herself. The comparison with my dad is also a subtle hint at my relationship with my sister. Her message is, this is what siblings do, they fight but they love each other. She glosses over years of bullying and manipulation and abuse in adulthood, as if we were just children fighting. But those are her problems, not mine. I am sorry she does not have the capacity to deal with these issues but punishing me for doing exactly that is just wrong. And the phrasing she chose about my mum and how I choose to 'throw her in the rubbish bin' (she said that several times) is outrageous.

It's really sad that my whole family has a distorted and defective view of what love is but at least I can be thankful I am not like that.

[TimetoHeal]

Oh, WOBG, this is just so outrageous. I'm so sorry I missed this in real time, but reading it now, I am just outraged for you!  And also darn proud at how you handled it.  I think it had been coming to this point for a while now, and you finally had enough of the fakey-fake relationship that was barely maintained.  I am so glad that you know now, and can move forward protecting yourself. 

The first email your aunt responded with sounded SO much like my mother's non-apologies which are really her just defending herself, it was actually triggering!

Another thing that stood out at the very beginning, when you said she kept texting you and asking "Are you okay?" stood out because I was reading over one of the first books I read on verbal abuse "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Particia Evans, and I had highlighted one section where she talks about this being one of the tactics verbal/psychological abusers use.  They constantly ask you, "Are you okay?" to make you doubt yourself, like something is majorly wrong with you and you can't cope with life.  My ex did this when we first separated in order to make me upset and I think he hoped I would run back to him to take care of me.  Thank God it didn't work.  That was the first thing I thought of when you wrote that, and I think you started to see it for what it was too.

Super proud of you, but hurting and angry for you as well, WOBG. 

[walking on broken glass]

Hi, Time to Heal! Thank you so much for your kind answer. How both interesting and awful that your ex was weaponising the same phrase to make you doubt yourself. I think my aunt truly thinks that I am being manipulated and that she would get through to me in this way. I just really hope they will leave me alone on my birthday which is soon. I deactivated my Facebook account, where all my relatives were active, and hopefully they won't try to reach me in other ways.

How have you been? How's the situation with your mum? If you feel like it, write to us

[TimetoHeal]

Smart move deactivating FB!

I have actually been better than I have in years.  Getting my mom into AL has been life-altering for me, in a positive way.  I am still in weekly therapy, processing all this and learning new skills, and probably will be for a while.  I am really in a good place.  I have taken a little break from the forums while I've been in this place of peace, and just came back today to check on everybody.  I'm so sorry you have had such a rough go of it lately.   

ETA:  I was super anxious about Thanksgiving this year, because last year's Thanksgiving was so traumatic.  My brother came to visit, and I was just anxious about how it was going to go.  I worked with my therapist to have strategies ready to go in case some icky situations came up.  Then I ended up getting a "get out of jail free card" by coming down with the flu!  LOL.  I don't recommend it, but I have to say, a part of me was so relieved.  I missed the whole visit and got to stay in bed by myself.  Thank goodness for little blessings. 

[walking on broken glass]

I am so glad you've been having a peaceful time! Sorry you got the flu but sounds like you made the best of it 😉

[walking on broken glass]

I just saw that my aunt put some money into my account, I assume on account of my birthday/Christmas. She's always been very generous with me but I find myself recoiling just now. What do I do? Return the money? Leave it as it is and do nothing? Arrrgh

[Rebel13]

Hi WOBG, I was thinking about your posts and this situation, and another motive for rationalization on your aunt's part occurred to me: she could be afraid of her children doing the same thing to her. I have no idea whether they'd have any reason -- it sounds like maybe not? But given my recent experience up close and personal with how people can get set off by the topic, that could be in the mix too.

Once upon a time I was the recipient of some money that felt icky to me, and I gave it to a cause that mattered to me. And they were very glad to have it.

Sorry this is still going on. It sucks that it's right around the holidays but also kind of makes sense, given how all kinds of dysfunction can raise its ugly head right about now. I hope you're doing OK.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks, Rebel!

My aunt doesn't have children and she's always treated me and my sister like her children. She might be scared I will cut off contact with her but ironically she's doing everything she can to push me to that direction!

I think her logic is 'I have suffered manipulation and abuse from family and I did not walk away, so you shouldn't either, because if I accept that your reaction is valid, that means I should reexamine my own behaviour and boundaries and that's inconvenient for me. Best to stick to the family values and tradition instead of challenging them.'

It's sad but not uncommon.