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[Trinity85]

It's been a while since I posted. My journey with my dPD BF has been long, and while I have posted incidences here, I have never told the full story (and I'm not ready to do so now - saving that for the book :-).

I guess I'm just looking for some support from others who have lived something similar, who can speak to the mind f*ck that a long-term relationship with a PD brings, and to understand how they were able to finally move forward once the fog lifted. Here is the latest...     

Two months ago, I found out that my BF (with whom I do not live) is facing massive financial and possibly legal issues that could lead to homelessness or serious jail time. I have known for a very long time that his financial situation was not great (he told me this often), but I truly had no idea of the extent - and at times I found it hard to believe that it could really be as bad as he claimed it to be as I often saw him buying things, his expenses were low, and he was making reasonable money.

I don't want to provide exact details about the situation for obvious reasons but not only is the sheer amount of his debt hard for me to wrap my head around (it's literally hundreds of thousands of dollars) but also I don't understand how he allowed it to get to this point in the first place. But what I find even more disturbing - and disturbing is the right word - is his response to it all. He is acting as if nothing at all is wrong and life is just normal. It's pathological compartmentalization.

I wish I could tell you that it was just this situation but unfortunately it is not. Some of what he has done over the years I am embarrassed to even talk about because it is so appallingly bad, and yet I stayed when I clearly should have left. Of course there were reasons for that and I now realize it was severe trauma from the first discovery of his parallel life and then a consistent campaign of psychological warfare that my traumatized brain wasn't able to defend itself against.

Over the years, I have looked for "normal" reasons for his behavior. I have even blamed myself at times for it. I have also looked for solutions to try to change/stop the behavior, and when all those failed, I turned a blind eye, allowing myself to live in a fantasy world that I knew wasn't exactly real, but somehow couldn't quite break free from, even when I knew that I should. 

Even after I saw the official diagnosis sheet about his PD and other psychological/psychiatric conditions, my brain just wouldn't or couldn't accept it. Now I can't see it any other way. I know what is wrong with my partner and I can't go back to pretending. Still I am fighting my brain - I can feel that it wants to revert - to find a reasonable explanation - a normal explanation - for all of it.

And while I know it is probably just the trauma, I'm "uncomfortable" at times. I have no reason to fear him, and yet someone who can do these things, who can compartmentalize their life in this way and seemingly be unaffected...how can you ever know what they are fully capable of? I am working with a therapist on a plan. I have told the people closest to me what is going on, but I am not sure they can understand - because their brain - like mine - just wants to normalize it.

Strange lonely place to be.

[MaxedOut]

A major thing for me was shifting from trying to parse, understand, contexualize, etc. my partner's behaviors and instead focus on:
(1) my reality and how I was treated, how my relationship needs were/weren't being met, enabling behaviors of mine, and impact of my partners behaviors
(2) the behaviors and the idea it doesn't really matter why they are happening (trying to apply theories on that did not change negative behaviors
(3) radical acceptance

For me a big part of that was "It doesn't matter why she does x, y, z behaviors - I'm getting abused. Whether the reasons are her mood disorder, meds, a PD, an abusive personality, or some mix of those it doesn't change the impact and reality for me. Whether it is something she does or doesn't have control over, doesn't matter because it's happening. If she doesn't have control that's simply too dangerous. If she does have control then she is choosing to be abusive, which is unacceptable."

I had years of well worn patterns analyzing the reasons for things, reams of axis 1 and 2 research and books under my belt, hours on hours discussing it with therapists, a years-long track record of using communications and framing advice for her disorders, and a relevant undergrad degree. And I had to admit, none of that mattered. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.

I can tend to my own side of the street and my own behaviors.
 
So here you have a BF who is hundreds of thousands in debt. He let that happen over time through spending (vs medical debt for a crisis or a massive civil lawsuit. He does not seem particularly stressed about it. Those things are the reality.

He is now facing potential loss of a place to stay and jail time. If we think about the future, legal prosecution of whatever type may limit his future earnings and there is a fair chance you will be asked to help with living space, legal fees, etc.

Inasmuch as it matters, how things got to this place generally point to a low likelihood of turning things around or not repeating the same patterns if he manages to get out is stuff thorough bankruptcy.

It sounds like you are trying to make sense of it in a way that you can see from within your reality, where you can see a sequence of things that could land a normal person there. But he is not a neurotypical person. The operating systems are totally different. And it is, to an extent, unknowable.

Part of this is probably the deep desire to help him change his behavior. We can't control that and he may not even want that and "gaining ground" on PD behaviors with an SO often has unintended consequences like creating parent-child dynamics in the relationship, creating codependency and caregiving, reducing feelings of self-efficacy, etc.

Part of radical acceptance for me was stopping thinking we were just a med change away from things getting better, or believing if she just understood my perspective it would changes things, or that we even want the same things.

It is simpler and I think healthier to come from the perspective of "this is how things are, this is how they are, and if I am staying based on hope about things being different that is not fair to either of us." That allowed me to focus on my needs and boundaries and responsibilities. Over time, from doing that I could see "ok, this is what the relationship is like when I let go of wishes/hopes/analysis circles and carve out space for my needs—now, is that enough?" Ultimately the abusive behaviors (and some other factors) meant it was a no for that question. But it was a very solid and grounded feeling no, because I wasn't in the what-if, if-only, but-maybe loops. I think Dr. Ramani's book Should I Stay or Should I Go does a great job at all this and has good frameworks for staying and leaving. It is for relationships with narcissists but I feel like BPD is the flip side of the NPD coin and found it helpful.

And yes it is lonely and strange. And we spend so much mental and emotion energy on worry, and anxiety, and strategizing. And there is the embarrassment/secrecy you mention. It is a lot. And it is really sad and heartbreaking as we are typically the ones who know their fears, vulnerabilities, best parts, etc. along with being the ones often facing the brunt of their negative feelings and np behaviors.

[Trinity85]

Thank you @MaxedOut. I guess I am at the radical acceptance place - I really don't want to be if I'm being honest - that fantasy world was pretty great - but I can't go back. It's like my mind has literally shut down the neural pathways that previously allowed me to live in denial. I don't know how it happened. Perhaps this incident has made me see the original trauma - and a million microtraumas along the way - in a different light. As it isn't as personal, I am not as affected by it (although it does feel like I'm living in an asylum at times) but its clear that it's the result of the same dysfunction. An ingrained way of thinking and behaving that isn't changing - the circumstances may be different, but the pattern is the same. I've read enough about what is wrong (and it is diagnosed) to know it's not treatable. I need to stand on my own now - and find a way forward from this place. I feel lost and afraid, unsure of myself. I worry that no one will ever know or understand my experience, or believe that it is true, and that's a heavy weight to carry. It's a story I am terrified to tell but I don't want to carry. Thanks again for writing. It helps.