Friend "playing it by ear" regarding Thanksgiving invitation

[countrygirl]

Hi,

For the pat few months, either I have had more than usual difficulties with various friends or perhaps the usual is just getting to me more.

We host Thanksgiving for friends, but one of my friends is really bad about letting us know whether she will be joining us..  A number of times she has said she will let me know. Once she even let me know on Thanksgiving morning.  It's not that I'm a particularly formal person, but this behavior seems very rude. 

I first mentioned Thanksgiving to her several weeks ago--I always ask her--and she said nothing.  We've \ spoken numerous times since then, and she has said nothing. Several people have asked whether she's coming.  A close friend asked me yesterday, and I said I would ask her today, because it's getting close now.

SoI asked her, and she said she would like to, but then came up with a lame excuse for why she would have to wait and see. I just hate this.  The friend who asked me abutter has often commented on how she does this "playing it by ear." Frankly, I wish she would just say that she's not coming, but I think she wants to keep the door open, should she change her mind at the last moment.

Asking her made me feel very nervous, because I knew I would not receive a good response.  Yet I can't imagine not asking her, because otherwise she sits alone in her apartment.  Whenever she joins us, she seems to have a very good time and tells me so.  There is something weird going on with how she handles this, and I don't know what to say to her about it.  Any ideas?  Or would you just leave it?

[walking on broken glass]

Hi country girl,
She might be having a good time with you but are you enjoying the time with her? Do you want her to come? It sounds like she is a bit complicated and I wonder if you invite her more out of some sense of obligation or feeling sorry for her, than genuine desire to have her over. If you enjoy her company and she is genuinely a good friend, I would definitely bring it up with her. I would say can you please tell me whether you are coming or not in good time? I need to know. I don't like playing it by ear.

[Catothecat]

I have a friend who started doing this some years ago.  I've known her for decades and she was always reliable and would unfailingly do something she said she was going to do, but then she started giving excuses and "I don't know" or "I'm not sure."  At first I thought it had something to do with me and not wanting to be around me, but then I noticed she was doing it with other friends and even her own family.  The last time I anticipated any potential interaction with her (because I never see her since she never does anything these days) was last Thanksgiving when she agreed to hold a get-together at her house.  A mutual friend was the one actually making the arrangements, and then at the very last minute I got a call from the mutual friend saying the get-together would now be at her house and the other friend wasn't coming.  The mutual friend and someone else were already there at the friend's house when she said she didn't want to host the get-together.  So they had to take all their food and relocate and I got the call about the change as I was getting ready to leave!

The only conclusion I can come up with is that this friend is dealing with some psychological issues that have resulted in this dysfunctional interaction style.  She seems to want to do things with others, but can't bring herself to do them. 

I feel that until she's willing to deal with herself and her issues, she's just going to keep doing this.  Until she realizes this type of interaction style is dysfunctional, she's not going to change.  She expects others to jump through her hoops and keep the door open even after she shuts it in your face. Last Thanksgiving was the final straw for me.  Like broken glass asked--Do I even want to be around her when she's acting like this?  My conclusions is, no.  It's time for her to examine her behaviors.     

[GoodPesto]

Hi countrygirl,

I understand this behaviour is annoying for you and would like to offer two possible explanations that could be totally off. But one may as well be worth considering in case your friend is single and without family close by. Your post sounds like it. I am also assuming for this explanation (1) your friend is showing this behaviour not on every occasion you might be meeting up but especially on Thanksgivings because you are referring only to this holiday in your post. The other explanation (2) is free from both of these assumptions but could be valid in case they were true, too.

(1) For some people that are living a life without a partner and/or family close by holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas can be complicated. On the one hand you are well aware that there is nobody around that is socially obligated to spend that special day with you, while it seems that every one else is meeting up with loved ones and like we all know from ads and tv, it's the time of love, laughter and family (of choice). On the other hand you are living that solitary life without these people 361 days of the year and just cannot get rid of the fact you're without family/partner for the other three (Christmas Eve, Boxing day, Thanksgiving).
Some people in this position are torn when it comes to invitations for these special occasions. Surely you would like to have that warm, fun evening with lots of good food and friendly people around but you know there will be all these people with partner and family (at least metaphorically in the background if not literally at the table) that you do not have around.
There are hardly any days of the year when society makes single people feel less part of it all than on these special days. You join the event feeling singled out or invited because you were pittied for being all by yourself, which you might be enjoying that night, because it spares you the pain of having mirrored your lack of family/partner by the other attendees.
How you feel about all of this this year you are trying to figure out while the special days comes closer but you seem to ne unable to truly know beforehand. For these people the behaviour your friend is showing could be seen as some sort of pain management. They seek the least painful way to get through these "family holidays" not having a family.

So maybe this is why you get "I'd like to but can't tell right now" and any other avoidant behaviour you describe. Maybe this is why you get a super late "Sorry, can't come".
Are you one of those people who almost could not end up alone in their appartment on Thanksgiving unless they really wanted to and made an effort? That would make you the black mirror for the people being singled out that day, the ones that rely on sympathetic invitations from outside of family to not be all alone that day.

(2) As you invite her out of pity at least to a degree and are secretly hoping she declines, she could be able to feel that dishonesty which could make what you want from her (an upright, civil reply) - consciously or not - hard for her.

Hope that helps in one way or another.

Best wishes

[notrightinthehead]

Countrygirl, as others have written, your reason for inviting her should be that you want to spend time with her because you enjoy her company, not that she sits alone in her flat otherwise. Who knows why she behaves like she does? It's not your responsibility. If she wants you to know, she will tell you. Otherwise - surround yourself with people who appreciate your efforts and give you joy when you have them around.

[countrygirl]

Thank you for your replies! 

First, just to clarify, I love having my friend here, but over the years, her way of dealing with invitations has gotten to me.  She strikes me as being at least somewhat like the woman Catothecat describes so vividly.  Simply put, dealing with these friends when it comes to doing things with them is very difficult. I sort of fantasized about not asking her, because that would spare me from being hurt. I did not mean to imply I was asking her out of pity. 

I am sure she does feel, in some ways, as you describe, Good Pesto, and so vacillates between saying yes and saying no.  I can relate.

Early on when I knew her, she once told me that her immediate answer to doing anything is "No."  As Maya Angelou said, believe what people tell you about themselves. Yet she clearly wants to be asked, and on the times she has said no, she talks to me either on the holiday morning or the evening, and things sound very bleak. If she sounded happy on her own, I would feel differently.     

I know that I should not feel sorry for her because she is alone, especially since this is what she has chosen.  I am the last person to think that everyone has to have a partner, or must be with their family during the holidays.  In fact, holidays with my family of origin were the stuff of nightmares!  My therapist used to say that my visiting them put my healing back by six weeks each time.

My friend has a family--whereas I am the one surviving member of mine--but has chosen to live far from them. (I made the same choice, but visited them more often.)

Good Pesto, I can certainly understand having that Grendel-outside-the-mead-hall attitude toward the holidays.  It is painful to see others enjoying themselves in fellowship while you're outside alone. Having no family ties, except for two quite distant male cousins, I can certainly relate. 

But in practical terms, when you're invited to a dinner, you should answer the invitation.  She is an adult and knows this, but chooses to hover! In fact, she still has not replied, and we've talked several times since I posted here!  It is not unprecedented for her to say she won't be coming, and then to change her mind on the morning of the day.

As I reply to you, it is becoming increasingly clear that I have to start telling her that she needs to give me a definite answer somewhat ahead of time.

Notrightinthehead, GoodPesto,Walking on broken glass, Yes, I love having her here! I am a quiet person, almost to the point of introversion, but deeply appreciate my friends. But I do not love how she handles invitations.

This friendship is indeed very complicated, and I often need feedback in terms of dealing with her. Thank you for your reply, Catothecat.  As you can see, I can certainly relate to having a difficult friend. Thinking about your friend and about my friend makes me think that they like making the occasion about themselves, even if they are doing so unconsciously.   

I am thankful for your replies, thankful for this board and thankful for my friends--even the difficult ones! I wish all of you a happy Thanksgiving!
 

 

[Rebel13]

Yes, happy Thanksgiving everyone in the US! Holidays are so fraught. I hope everyone celebrates in the way that brings the most happiness for them.

countrygirl, I have a difficult friend too. I'm only really starting to understand how different her mindset is from mine. Like your friend, she stays home alone a lot. I'm finally getting, for whatever reason, that's what works for her. I'm not saying she "likes" it, but it's not problematic enough for her to choose something different, even though she makes contradictory statements sometimes. So I understand that feeling of confusion and "why is she acting this way"?

I can think of two things I might try with your friend for the next occasion.

1) Invite her one time and then never bring it up again. Wait for her to reply, or just show up, or not. (I'm assuming her presence or absence won't make a big difference in terms of planning food supplies, space etc.) When you think about it, try to have generosity and kindness for whatever it is she is struggling with, no matter how frustrating it is that you can't understand her behavior and would never act that way yourself. Try to think of it as a gift you're giving her, not just the invitation, but the complete lack of pressure about a response or decision.

2) Don't invite her. See if she brings it up. Either way, it tells you something. If she doesn't ask, and doesn't come, you can conclude that, for whatever reason, the gathering wasn't important enough to her to make the effort. If she asks, you'll know it matters to her, and you can then follow #1 above if you decide to invite her once she asks.

I'm thinking of all this like an experiment, rather than any kind of "should." Just a way to learn more about this person and how she thinks and acts. I have to start doing this more with my own friend, as well. I realized very recently that the ways I've been interacting with her are based on how I think and how I am in the world, and perhaps even a deep misunderstanding of who she is. It's such a weird feeling!

[countrygirl]

Hi Rebel 13,

Thank you for suggesting the experiments.   

I do understand how my friend is in the world, because I am somewhat that way myself!  I like being with other people, but I also really crave time on my own.

I was going to post here anyway, and then saw your very nice post, so wanted to respond to you individually first.  In fact, I think that what I'm going to do now is start a new post about the latest development with this friend, because something else happened today! 

Thank you for wishing the U.S. Happy Thanksgiving!     

[Rebel13]

I do understand how my friend is in the world, because I am somewhat that way myself!  I like being with other people, but I also really crave time on my own.

Me too! Maybe that's one reason why I saw my friend through my own lens so strongly, instead of seeing her as she is.