Not knowing about their state of health

[mary_poppins]

Hey all.

I went no contact with my entire family in June this year. However, my father got sick right after I left (I was his main source of supply and so, me moving out sent him into a health crisis-I heard that this is a common thing that happens). Anyway, I was thinking of contacting my brother (lifting NC for 10') to enquire about my father. But he hates me now knowing I cut ties with his 'beloved parents'. He had a bad attitude when I told him I'm out of the drama. As if I had to stay there and 'take it' just like he does. So unfair.

How did you manage to lower your anxiety regarding family members and their state of health? Did any of your family member get sick when you went no contact? I know that illnesses happen wether we're no contact or not..

[xredshoesx]

@mary_poppins

the way I saw it, bc I am the only child my mother acknowledges as her child, making myself knowledgeable about my mother's conditions meant I was making myself responsible for her....  I was parentified as a child so I already know what that would entail for my mother....

i've been NC since I was like 21/22.  it's been worth every minute of the peace- esp now that I am in my mid 50s.

[Liketheducks]

I can't say that I successfully lowered my anxiety around this.  If anything, I'm a bit more anxious because while I have so much more peace being NC/VLC......I'm still anticipating the chaos that is beyond my control and what my duties and obligations might be around that. 

Both parents have had health scares since our estrangement....but they usually reach out to me when that happens.  I'll not hear from them in a year or 2 and then suddenly I'm getting a call from them as they're in an ambulance on the way to the hospital with chest pains.   

My parents are REALLY good at trying to pit us (me and my brother) against each other.   

[Rebel13]

Hi mary_poppins, I have a few strategies for when this issue crops up for me.

I tell myself that my mom's problems are not mine to solve. I've gotten past my initial outrage over her behavior at our last visit, to a point where I don't want her to suffer, but I know her situation is of her own making, and nothing I can do would help or change anything.

I also think about what good it would do for me to know how she is doing. It wouldn't change my decision to not be in contact if she were seriously ill. When I said goodbye the last time I saw her, I made sure I knew in my own heart it was the final goodbye -- not "goodbye until you really need me" or "goodbye until you're sick" (if only because she is great at fabricating medical crises out of nothing/just about anything).

So, her problems are her problems, there's nothing I can do, and I don't want to put myself in a position for any more abuse or devaluation from her. So I guess that's kind of radical acceptance? I love these statements of radical acceptance from the DBT Skills Workbook:
"many things have led to this"
"the causes are a tiny part of a larger and mostly impersonal whole"
"this moment is the result of over a million other decisions"

This helps reduce the feelings of omnipotent guilt that got instilled by my mom acting for my whole life like I could solve her problems and make her happy if I only tried harder. That was never my job or within my capabilities.

[mary_poppins]

@Rebel 13

Your answer really helped. I will print your response to remember these things next time I hear about a family crisis through the grape vine. I guess I am still emotionally enmeshed with them even thought I cut all ties. But that's normal. All that brainwashing and manipulation cannot be erased in a month or two, takes time.

[mary_poppins]

@mary_poppins

the way I saw it, bc I am the only child my mother acknowledges as her child, making myself knowledgeable about my mother's conditions meant I was making myself responsible for her....  I was parentified as a child so I already know what that would entail for my mother....

i've been NC since I was like 21/22.  it's been worth every minute of the peace- esp now that I am in my mid 50s.

Yes, same, I probably make myself responsible for what happened to dad. Now I can see the brainwashing for what it truly is. 

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks for opening this thread, Mary Poppins! I struggle with this too. I am thinking that when something like that happens, I might have been out of touch for so long that it won't make any difference. But I find it hard to deal with the fact that my mum might die and she and the rest of the family will be thinking badly of me.

[Lillith65]

My mother died thinking badly of me. She even wrote a letter about why I was excluded from the will.

I finally reached a point where I was able to accept that no matter what I did my mother would feel the same way. So doing what was best for me worked. I knew that there was nothing I could do to change my mother, so I protected myself.

I did choose to see her when she was ill. I didn't know that she was going to die within a couple of months and I am glad that I saw her. It confirmed for me why I was No Contact for those eight years. She had nothing good to say about anyone and radiated anger, resentment and bitterness.

By the end I could acknowledge that she was my mum, that it wasn't all bad, but it was bad enough for me to have to protect myself. I was pleased that I did my 'duty' at the end, but it was my decision and may not be the right one for other people.