Dealing with the "less" disordered?

[SisterBlue]

All of my parents (two step, two biological) have/had some pretty significant mental health struggles/disorders. My sister also does and has been the most abusive to me of those currently still around. She's the one I'm NC with. But I think about the fact that the parents I have left living also have their problems that cause me pain. The passive aggressive, "no one loves me," and the re-writing history. But the ones I have left don't withdraw their love like my sister and don't abuse and attack me quite like her. It took a lot for me to go NC with her. I'm LC with one parent and careful (though still often frustrated) with the other. Part of the issue with me and my sister is that I would not support her delusions as to what one parent did though she DID have some legitimate frustrations, which I validated. But I will not validate her abuse or the completely unhinged claims.

Anyway, I guess I'm saying that I feel kind of guilty about going NC with my sister while I still have others in my immediate family that act in really problematic ways? And even aside from the guilt, now that I have had a lot of therapy and education, I am SO much less tolerant of any of that behavior? To the point that sometimes it makes it hard for me to just be normal around the ones I still talk to?

I'm not alone in this, right? (and what the heck with having so much in my family? I mean I assume genetics and people seeking out their same dysfunctions...)
 

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Sister Blue!
I can relate to this. For me, it took a while to realize how much my parents were contributing to the dysfunctional family system. It was easier to see the problems with my sister because she wasn't as much an authority figure as my parents, and she was very clearly and patently targeting me. So I gradually went low contact/very low contact and eventually no contact with her but I was still in fairly regular contact with my parents. This came with a set of problems: my parents did not understand or accept my decision to keep my distance from my sister, they constantly pressured me and guilt tripped and, as you say, I never felt fully myself with them. I had to hide aspects of myself, pretend and lie quite often. But I was still in touch with them. I think seeking the love and validation of our caregivers is something deeply ingrained in us from a very young age, as is the obligation to speak to and care for them, and it is very hard to shake it off. After the recent events with my mum, it took me almost seven months to eventually stop talking to her, and she did say truly horrible things to me. But choosing myself over her was against everything I had been taught and how I was brought up to behave. I can understand the cognitive dissonance you are experiencing and I think given time you might decide to go lower contact with your parents too. It's a question of if/when you reach your limits. But there is no pressure and no universally right answer. It has to be right for you. Perhaps the level of contact you have right now serves you to a great extent and you don't need to make drastic changes. If the situation changes or if you become unhappy, you can adjust. From my experience, the equilibrium is very fragile and things are not likely to remain static for long.

[Rebel13]

Anyway, I guess I'm saying that I feel kind of guilty about going NC with my sister while I still have others in my immediate family that act in really problematic ways? ...

I'm not alone in this, right?

I hear you, SisterBlue. After I stopped communicating with my mother more than two years ago, I have kept in contact with my dad and stepmother. Sometimes it seems strange to me that I have "picked" him to stay in contact with, because my dad was a scary rageaholic when I was a kid. I can't honestly say that he was LESS traumatic to be around than my mom back then -- just different. Aside from, as WOBG says, wanting to be connected in *some* way to *some* family seems to be a pretty human trait, the reason is that my dad has changed over the years. He doesn't hit me or yell and rage at me anymore, whereas my mother is still the same whiny manipulative critical chaos whirlwind she always was. I'm lucky to have my stepmom, who takes really good care of him and who has been lovely to me in many ways. A big part of my hanging in with them, to the degree that I do, is also to be a support for her. But the both of them can be pretty self-absorbed sometimes too. Some days I just have to shrug and think, well, this is just what I'm doing for now.

If the situation changes or if you become unhappy, you can adjust. From my experience, the equilibrium is very fragile and things are not likely to remain static for long.

Wow, yes, how true this is, WOBG.

[bloomie]

SisterBlue - I'm really glad you shared this topic. Because... as you know, there is a continuum of behaviors and alongside of that reality we are each unique, complex human beings. So, what is intolerable or so painful it pushes us to have to end contact with a sibling, like you have, may not be a deal breaker for someone else.

When someone is determinedly targeting us and/or is punitive and withholding of love that quickly can become a serious threat to our stability and peace of mind (at least it can for me).

You may feel guilty, but you are not guilty. Does that make sense? You've done what you had to do and it is very painful to have to choose NC with a sibling.

[SisterBlue]

Ugh. Brilliant insights as always. You're all always so thoughtful. I wanted to say a quick thank you for now and will comment more in a bit.

[SisterBlue]

WOBG - This is a very good description of how all of it goes. I appreciate so much the words of encouragement.

Rebel - Yeah I think this is part of it for me. The parents have all changed over the years and gotten better in their treatment of me to some extent while my sister has gotten much much worse again. I would definitely work with her if she was still trying or even in an aware enough state to know what is real and what isn't. She really doesn't right now. Not in her relationships or even in the wider world at all.

Thank you Bloomie. I needed to hear that. It is incredibly painful, and what you said about the behavior being a threat to my stability and peace of mind hit it right on the head. It got to the point that I wasn't functioning normally even with the daily fear of what was going to happen next with her. And there is no talking to her in any way other than gray rocking. Everything else just makes it worse or prolongs my punishment.

I appreciate you all.