What, if anything should I do or say?

[Associate of Daniel]

The backstory:

Until my ds (now 19) was about 11 he regularly saw his paternal grandparents and they had a lovely relationship.

Around the time he was 11 his uNPD father and uNPD smother essentially went no contact with his parents (Ds's paternal grandparents). Ds has therefore seen them I think only twice since then. So he hasn't seen them for perhaps 7 years.  (I'm a little hazy with details.)

Since they last saw each other, Ds's Nan has sent him birthday, Christmas and Easter cards, all with money enclosed.  Ds has dutifully texted her to thank her.  That has been the extent of their relationship.

Ds turned 18 last December and received the usual card.  He did not receive an Easter card this year and now, he hasn't received a birthday card.

My current but lesser concern, is that his Nan may well have sent a card with money but it just hasn't arrived.  If that is the case I feel I ought to let her know, in case she's worried about the arrival of the money.

If I contact her, and she has actually not sent a card, deliberately or otherwise, she will be embarrassed. (She may also think that I'm upset she didn't send money, which would not be true, but I can't do anything about what others choose to believe about me.)

I don't have an issue with her not sending money.  He's 19 after all and there is basically no relationship.  It's entirely up to her and I'm not offended either way.

My biggest issue is her not contacting him AT ALL on his birthday.  A simple text would have sufficed.

But then, maybe she's unwell.  Maybe she forgot.  Who knows?

Perhaps she's thinking that if he wants a relationship with them, he can reach out.  My objection to that thinking is that, despite Ds's age, she is still the adult in the situation and should continue to reach out, or at least communicate that she is leaving the ball in his court.

Ds's is very confused, and a touch fearful about the whole situation and doesn't know what to do or what he wants.  It would be scary for him reach out and see them again.

I've offered to organise and/or go with him if he chooses to see them but so far he's refused.

What, if anything should I do?  Do I contact his Nan and tell her to communicate with DS?  Do I let her know her card (if she sent one) hasn't arrived?  Do I tell her to be the adult in the situation?

In the meantime I have a sad and slightly lost young man (on this topic) here and my heart breaks for him.

AOD

[Rebel13]

Hi AOD,

My gut reaction is to stay out of it. Your son is an adult now, and he needs to navigate his relationships on his own. Especially since these aren't your family members, I think involving yourself directly would be an overstep. You have offered him lots of support by listening to him, and offering to visit them (? I think that's what you meant) with him if he would like that. I also get the feeling that you and he have a great relationship wherein he can talk through things with you, ask you what you think about his preferences etc. (kudos to you for building that with him!). You're not responsible for making everything go smoothly in his life. Sometimes things are hard, and adults have to deal. The support you have offered him and, I'm sure, will continue to offer, is plenty.

IMHO. Good luck!

[Poison Ivy]

  

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Rebel and Poison Ivy.

Ds's 19th birthday and Christmas Day has now gone - along with Ds's Nan's birthday.

There has been no card or contact from her to me or Ds.

Since her birthday is on Christmas Day, I did write her a card.  In it I wrote a short message saying that Ds has grown to be a lovely etc young man and that I hope one day they can reconnect with each other.  I didn't acknowledge her lack of contact or ask for clarification of her intentions.

I assume that she has decided to leave it in Ds's court.  I get that but I do wish she'd communicate that instead of leaving us guessing.

She usually sends a card for my birthday in February so if I don't receive one then I guess I'll take her silence as her statement of intention.

It's just sad.  My poor boy has one grandparent (my dad) who won't be around for too many more years.  My mum died a few years ago. His other younger grandparents have essentially abandoned him because of his uNPD father and uNPD smother's appalling behaviour.  The argument is between them and has nothing to do with Ds.

Thankfully my parents have been wonderful with him and he admires them very much.

(P.S.  It's currently 38 degrees celsius here.  Summer has arrived.)

AOD

[Associate of Daniel]

A positive update.

Last week we had bushfires in our state (they are still burning - lost of homes and livelihoods lost).  The fires came very close to Ds's paternal grandparents' house and they evacuated.

Unbeknownst to me, Ds took it upon himself to text his nan and see if they were alright.  She replied they were and the following day let him know they'd returned home. The only reason I know of their movements is because Ds told me.

That's as far as it's gone so far, but the door is open.  I'm proud of my boy and hopeful for a reconciliation.

AOD

[Rebel13]

Oh that's good news. I hope the opening your son provided will serve to get them back in touch in a positive way.

Sorry about the heat and the fires! Take care of yourself!