Stressed and scared

[walking on broken glass]

As the subject line goes – I am stressed and scared.
My current contract is soon coming to an end. I haven't made as much progress with the book as I would have wanted. I need more time to finish it. Meanwhile, there are no academic jobs in my field. Literally zero. The situation in universities has been bad for a while but it has now reached a climax, and I am unfortunately caught in the middle of all this chaos without a permanent position. Even in my partner's institution they are threatening with redundancies. It's scary. I have started thinking of my plan B, which is to train to become a therapist.  I will start with a small step towards that direction and see how it goes. I find the field interesting and the nature of the job appealing but it is a huge change and it scares me. What if I start training in this new field and it doesn't go well? I also feel sad that all my years of education, training, and work in the Higher Education have come to nothing. A big part of my identity was bound up with my teaching and research. It was my dream subject and I feel it's been taken away from me. I don't want to be dramatic. I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful partner, who supports me both emotionally and financially. It's just that I feel in the past couple of years I have been experiencing a lot of loss: my dad's death, then my mum's craziness and her illness, then gradually realizing that other members of my family, like my aunt, are also unsafe and becoming fully estranged from the whole family, and now unemployment and a forced change of career. There are days like today when everything feels a bit too much. I just really need a piece of good news, something that resembles a win. So far it's like I am being kicked when I am down.

[Rebel13]

Days like that are tough ones! I'm so sorry you have taken another hit after everything you've been through. I will say, I have also been looking around lately, feeling stuck and unappreciated in my current work situation, and the job market is terrible here -- not that many openings, lots of people out of work, so lots of competition for what is available. I am trying not to take personally the complete lack of response to my recent applications, and I hope you can do that too.

Your willingness to explore another career path seems like a great idea. It's much easier to realize after the fact, but I do think that at least sometimes, a difficult time can be an opportunity in disguise. You might look back in five years and be happy that the events of the last few years set you on a new path professionally and personally -- not feeling as much at the mercy of your family dynamics might be one example? Of course I don't know how it is for you, but some days I am capable of seeing and appreciating my own growth and development and the good things life has brought me even though it's been hard. Other days not so much.   

Hang in there. I hope it gets better.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm so sorry this is happening, WOBG.  Each of these is a really major loss.

It seems hopeful that, instead of just despair, you are able to think of something you might be interested in and appropriate steps to take to dip your toe in that water if you should choose to.  That's some pretty good resiliency!  Let us know how it goes . . .

[TimetoHeal]

Hugs, WOBG. 

You have had a tough year.  I am so sorry this is happening in your career, where you have found so much meaning and strength.  FWIW, I think you would make an amazing therapist!  Just take it one baby step at a time, and see what comes up.  I'm thankful you are in a position that you don't have to take the first thing that comes up, although maybe the first thing will be great!  Also, try not to think of all the work and study you have done as wasted.  It was time well spent that made you who you are and added something to the world.  Using our minds and gifts and talents is never wasted! 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you all so much for your support.

Rebel, you are right about the blessing in disguise. I have been thinking that too (when I am not in panic mode!). There are many things about academia that I love (teaching being one of them!) but also lots of toxicity and backwards people (especially in my field). And exploring something new is exciting. I just worry about the financial implications and the future, and whether I am too old for new tricks!

Looking to be Free, you are absolutely right that resiliency is important. I just hope that for some time in the future I won't need to prove how resilient I am!

Time to Heal, I love what you say at the end: it's so true. I know that my studies, my teaching and my writing have contributed to making me the person I am today, and I shouldn't dismiss them. And I know that I am lucky that, at least for a few months, I can focus on writing up and I do not have to take the first job that comes along. I was just really sad and exasperated yesterday.

I am thinking of signing up to start the counselling course in January. I will let you know how it goes. Both my current therapist and the previous one told me that it's a good fit for me, so that's some reassurance!

[TimetoHeal]

Please keep us updated!   

[Rebel13]

You definitely aren't too old! I am guessing I am older than you, and I've been feeling it a lot lately. Then on Friday a younger colleague said to me, "I really want my team to learn from your experience." And I was all, boo hoo hoo! It was so sweet, and it went a long way towards making up for how devalued I've been feeling in this difficult job market, youth-oriented culture, etc. There are a lot of negative messages about aging and I know I have taken a lot of them in, but I have to keep believing it's never too late to try something new. I'm glad you have a little safety net and support to do it! Please do let us know how it goes, if you can.

[MaxedOut]

+1 on the age sentiments. I think a lot of people find it refreshing when they meet a new therapist for intake and the person is not in their 20s. And lived experience (directly or indirectly) about what axis disorders can look like and that normal approaches often are counterproductive is so valuable.

And I am so sorry you are in a position where changes outside your control are forcing you from your field. Becoming a therapist seems like a good pivot in terms of workload flexibility too, if you want time for continuing your book or want to continue some teaching by picking up a class or two down the road.