Should I have this discussion with DD?

[blacksheep7]

Hi all,

My dd has two boys, 11 and 9.   The 11 year old, 12 in February has ADD and is on meds which disrupts his appetite. He hides food in his bedroom.  Twice my dd has told me that he is being punished for it. I can't remember what the punishment is but similar to restricted t.v. or something of that sort. It is a vicious circle never ending.

My dd is a good mother but I think she has most of the load of their upbringing like most mothers and is overwhelmed putting on all or most the blame of her son.

It really bothers me because there is no acting out in school, he is doing fine, nor when he comes over for the weekend with his brother. Is a (normal) boy of his age.
He is the constant discussion of my daughter, not responding to her demands etc...  She is on a waiting list for consultation, It could be a while.  I did listen to her vent her frustrations for two years now that he has been on the meds. I did not judge, just reminded her that he is entering the teen phase which is also an important part of his behavior, I think.  What I do know is that punshing does not help, going to the root of the problem should be looked at.  Maybe he is not hungry at supper time or is just emotional eating, dealing with stress. When he was here last weekend, he ate well at mealtime, even had seconds!

They have had family therapy sessions with a social worker in the past regarding her son resulting being prescribed  meds. She had not told me then because she had once said  that she was against therapy. I found out by her father's partner at my gd's birthday party. We don't have the best relationship, never calls unless she has to, not interested in doing mother daughter things like shopping or going to the movies. I stopped asking haved learned to deal with it, it remains cordial at least. Opens up more about her son because she is at her wits end.


I am torn and sad inside.

Any thoughts would be welcome.  Thank you for reading.

[bloomie]

blacksheep7 - how hard to be in this spot. The good, from what you have shared, is your dd is: "My dd is a good mother" and the challenge seems to be she is overwhelmed and resorting to responses to her son that may/are causing more push back and possible longer term issues.

Has your dd asked how her son relates and handles mealtimes when with you? In your many conversations does your dd seem to be looking for support, advice or both?

If your dd hasn't asked for advice or been curious about how her son engages with you I am thinking one way of relieving pressure for both your dd and grandchild would be to give her respite by having them at your home as often as is reasonable.

It might be best to wait to be asked for advice or input when the parenting challenges seem to be a point of connection between the two of you you don't want to jeopardize. Just my thoughts.

[blacksheep7]

She did not ask for a reponse or support but did listen without judgement when I said that something in his environment is troubling him, that a child does not rebel for no apperant reason.  As for mealtime at my house she didn't ask but I did mention that he ate with appetite and asked for seconds. She had no comments, I am just glad that I did tell her.

Alright, I will leave it at that as not to jeopordize the relationship we do have. I do plan do to take them in again during the x-mas holidays and at least once a month during the winter. This gives both parties a break. Summer is more difficult as the boys both play football.  We are always there to cheer them on.

I wish you and everyone happy holidays! Peace of mind.

[blacksheep7]

Oh my gosh..

I forgot to say thank you Bloomie for your quick response and advice! Much appreciated.