Don't know if I should stay or go? (Partner with BPD)

[seatseperate1917]

Hello everyone! I am new to this forum as a suggestion of my therapist. I've been with my partner for about a year. I love them so much. I moved them up to where I live so that we could be closer and live together but the plans failed. Abusive behavior started from them and I thought it would be best if we held off on living together until we were better as a couple. So they settled close by and the behavior got worse from months from them, the constant cycle of apologizing and saying how they regret it and then went back to doing it again even worse.

During this time they had been through three therapists, all of them diagnosed them with BPD and I have been researching BPD and trying to be understanding and patient. Whenever they tell me they are triggered I say we should take space and come back to this conversation when emotions aren't so high, when that happens they accuse me of not caring about them or loving them. The abusive behavior got so bad to where a few weeks ago we got into a really bad argument because I wanted to go home because they were't respecting my need for space, they had said to me that I get mad at everything that they do because I am miserable in my own live and lonely, I told them if they did not allow me to go home I would have to call my dad, and they stated that I couldn't do anything for myself and I rely on my dad even though he abandoned me (they know that this affects me greatly and I opened up to them about this) and then my friend passed away recently as well, he was my ex but we were both best friends and our relationship did not work out because we both realized we were queer. They brought him up as well and said that they hope that they die like my friend did and I feel the exact same way that I felt when my friend died.

This really upset me because I cried alot when my friend died and leaned on my partner alot for emotional support and they used it against me. I told them that they were disgusting for saying that and that they went too far and they proceeded to say they didn't care about my friend. Recently we got into another big argument and the same pattern insued. They called me stupid in my academics and said that if they went to college they would be smarter than me, they also brought up my mom in the argument and she passed away three years ago now and her death devestated me as well. This pushed me to my limit, they claimed they felt so bad for what they said about my friend and that they say things they don't mean when angry but all of the things that they have said they repeat when they are angry with me and they say things that they know will hurt me. They begged me to stay and to let us try couples therapy on Sunday I agreed, but I don't have hope for it at all because my partner was saying how couples therapy is stupid and had many excuses why they didn't want to do it and talked bad about it and I was the only one looking for therapists and trying, and they didn't want to look because they said it was my idea. I just don't know if I should stay anymore. Any advice would be appreciated.

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry you are in such an abusive and tragic relationship. This has to be painful.

We have a saying here that has proven true for the almost two decades I have used this forum.

"When they show you who they are believe them."

Your partner is mean, unkind and intentionally hurts you.  They break your trust and weaponize your shared vulnerabilities against you to inflict emotional pain. So many red flags here.

It's lovely to love someone, and as yet hese do not seem like loving actions. 

You deserve a healthy relationship. Maybe this one needs adjustment, or for her adjustment.  You adjusted when you decided not to cohabitate. Perhaps you need to take some steps back and spend less time with this person, and have time limits on the time you do spend like dates to dinner or activities together and less overall time and think it all through.

Therapy seldom works with cluster B personalities , Borderlines and Narcissists.

If you have not done so visit the. Toolbox section of this site and also the 100 traits list.  You might be surprised you have alot of them in your situation. 

Take care of yourself, you will need to be strong mentally and physically while you work through to a decision on all of this. 

And you should not feel obligated to an abusive person because they moved to be closer to you.  They are their own adult self and made the decision and you don't have a lifetime debt to them over it. 

[Rebel13]

I'm so sorry this is happening. I really wish you the best and second all of the thoughts and suggestions that 1foot shared above. Please take care of you and prioritize your own needs and well-being just a little bit more than you prioritize your partner's. From here, it seems like your partner is prioritizing their needs A LOT more than yours.

This is just a pet peeve of mine, but it bugs me so much when people say, "I never did X, but if I did, I know I would've been great at it!" It seems a little arrogant and also ignorant of the value and impact of experiences on our life story.

Take care of yourself seatseparate1917.

[currentlyinthefog]

I am so sorry you're going through this. Are they medicated? if not, are they willing to be or try?

I came to this site a few months ago in search of answers myself because I am also in a relationship with someone with BPD, and I was having a hard time understanding why they were doing and saying some of the thing that they were saying. It has been a few months since that post and I now have way more of an understanding of BPD.

I'm so sorry that he is taking his splits out on you. It is not fair at all, especially if they are not doing the work for themselves. At the end of the day, they are an adult and absolutely responsible for their actions and how they treat others. It is so important to always take care of yourself first and always remember that you are no ones caretaker and repetitive apologies without effort or actions or change do not really mean much.

I agree with everyone else, please take care of yourself and put yourself FIRST