Walking/Shopping Straw Poll Question

[JustKeepTrying]

Question for everyone - During the Devaluation/Discard phase of the abuse cycle, I noticed a consistent pattern with my ex. I remember reading here - somewhere - that others experienced it as well. I wanted to follow up and do a straw poll and see who had experienced it.

When shopping with your NPD, did they ever disappear - no warning or hey I'm going over there - just one moment they were with you and then gone? Similar to the never walking directly next to you - always ahead or behind unless you were holding hands. I noticed it was only in the devaluation/discard phase - not in the idealization or hovering phase.

Let me know if you experienced this - thank you in advance

[Catothecat]

Oh this brings back memories, Justkeeptrying!  After a couple years of marriage, once the relationship was "secure" (in his mind) my NPDex started taking his camera everywhere we went and would wander off to take pictures, sometimes leaving me standing to wait for him to come back.  It was both his excuse to get away from me and also his way of letting me know I wasn't interesting enough for him, he had to do something else besides be with me (because he didn't want a wife, he wanted a caretaker).  Yet if I confronted him over the behavior he would get angry and accuse me of being unreasonable and restricting him in some way.  There was to be no questioning of anything he did.  We started doing less and less together, and while I wished we could interact like a normal couple, I realized I no longer enjoyed doing things with him because he made me feel invisible. 

[walking on broken glass]

With my ex who had narcissistic traits, I definitely remember him walking ahead of me and not next to me, and how much it annoyed me. Also having his phone or tablet out all the time when we were out together, as if there were more interesting or important things he'd rather be doing.

[SeaBreeze]

Ex-uNPDh #2 would either march way ahead of me, or trudge way behind me. There were a few social outings (party, club) where he disappeared, only to randomly reappear and blame me somehow. I was the one who actually started "disappearing" after tiring of several years worth of this behavior.

[blunk]

I did notice this, but not just during devalue/discard. He would just shop separately, didn't matter the store. I always wondered if it was so that I would have to go and find him, and then look at whatever he was interested in rather than my interests. After a while I stopped looking for him and he would just text/call when he was done.

Also, if he walked ahead he would go much faster than me, but if I was ahead he would accuse me of always being in a hurry.

[Cascade]

When my husband leaves our house, he rarely tells me he's leaving and seldom tells me where he is going. We seldom shop together but yes, he wandered off when we used to shop together.

[Prototypian]

Mine was always either scared we weren't following rules she didn't know about and therefore always stopping to ask other people or authority people if we were "supposed to be in this line" or "allowed to go in that door"

Or

She liked to talk to people hwho were related to her local political offices and would often just stop without telling me.  Like if we were headed to the car she would see someone she wanted to talk to and just stop, say nothing and let me go and then simply say "I wanted to talk to person x" but I would have no idea where she stopped.   It was always a problem at places like parks or church or city events.   I wasn't trying to leave her or walking too fast.   When I questioned her she woood act very matter of fact "why would I tell you when you don't want to talk to person X". 

[1footouttadefog]

Mine would either run off ahead in the grocery or tag so close behind I had to walk past things then turn back to keep him from running into the back of me.

Following too close was really annoying when in a department store.  Something catches your eye then I try turn or take a step back and he would be in the way.  It felt claustrophobic.

[xredshoesx]

my uPD mother would literally LEAVE ME BEHIND.  ((gentle hugs to all of us))