Finances

[walking on broken glass]

I have decided to write an email to my aunt to explain some financial moves I am planning to make.

Unfortunately, some of my bank accounts are joined with my mum and my sister. I have decided to remove the money to another personal account, where they won't have access. I know how this is going to be interpreted but I think it's best to do it now, to avoid further problems in the future. I have tried to remove my name from my sister's and mum's accounts but unfortunately the bank requires their agreement to do that. I have explained that in the email too.

I am so stressed about all this and about my aunt's answer. But I think there should be a record of my moves in case my sister decides to move legally against me.

What do you guys think?

[Danie]

I haven't read all of your comments in your previous post, but good for you for opening new personal accounts. Are you just setting yourself up for more problems by telling your aunt? The little bit I read it sounds like she doesn't really understand and could possibly turn on you. Take the money out before you tell her, at least, because she could stop you. Can you keep your own records of your moves?
I'm sorry you're going through this, because it sounds like you want their love and the connection, at least with your aunt. She is on the fence though and may not "side" with you, so protect your interests first and hope for the best. 

[Liketheducks]

If you have to worry about your Aunt's response.....definitely move the funds before you tell her anything.   I wouldn't tell her at all.   You're an adult.   You have every right to handle your own finances without anyone else's judgement.   They're not that entitled to you.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you both!
The bank account situation is a bit complicated unfortunately. My dad had set up two accounts, one for me and one for my sister, but he chose to make everyone co-beneficiary. So my mum and I are co-beneficiaries in my sister's account, and she and my mum are co-beneficiaries in mine. In my own personal account, my mum is co-beneficiary. And I and sis are in hers. As co-beneficiaries, everyone has the same rights to the money. Technically, I can remove all the money from my account but my mum and my sister could potentially move legally against me for doing so, if they wanted. So I thought that by clarifying in the email what my reasoning is, it might prove I didn't try to steal the money. On the other hand, the email might be completely useless in legal terms. I am now thinking that I should consult a lawyer before doing anything, and ask them what the legal situation is and what my rights are. Maybe they can act on my behalf. It sounds a bit safer to me.

[Liketheducks]

That definitely sounds safer.   I'm so sorry you're going through this.   If they spent a fraction of the energy they expended in causing mayhem on good communication and a genuine connection, we wouldn't be here on the board. 

[looloo]

Apologies if I don't understand the situation, but a beneficiary on the account is entitled to the funds in the account AFTER the account holder dies.  They have no other rights or access.  So if you want to do anything at all with your personal account, you should be able to do it independently and privately.

[walking on broken glass]

It's a peculiar situation with the bank at my country of origin, which frankly makes no sense. It's like a joint account but with no primary holder, only unofficially. All beneficiaries have the same rights of withdrawal and deposit. In my case, my dad opened these two accounts for me and my sister, but all of us have access and rights to both of them. And because my dad financed the account, and it's not my personal funds, it's hard to prove how much is legitimately mine. If I take the money, my sister might claim that it was her money too, because I didn't put money in the account, my dad did, and she is a joint holder. It's pretty unlikely she will do that, but I wouldn't want to risk it.

[TimetoHeal]

I am proud of you, WOBG!  I know this is a big step, and a scary one.  I can relate, as I have had financial entanglements with my mother as a result of my dad's passing and my divorce.  I have slowly and methodically been trying to untangle them over the years as I've become financially self-sufficient.  I have one account left that I share with my mother that would require us both going to the bank and signing papers, and I just have been hesitant to take that last step even though I know I need to.

I think you are very wise to do this.  Don't worry about what your aunt will think.  It's really none of her business, if she is not on the accounts.

ETA:  I just read the part about consulting an attorney, and this might be a really good idea if you can afford it.  I had to do just that recently before my mother sold her house.  I found out my brother and I were on her deed (we were never informed or asked about this!), which would have caused a major tax implication for us when she sold it!  We had to do a quitclaim deed quickly to avoid this. 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Time to Heal.
It's so awfully complicated. Technically I can remove the money from the bank but legally they can make trouble for me, if they wish, because there is no formal paper that says it was my money. It was an oral pronouncement by my dad, not explained in his will, but everyone was supposed to know about and agree on this. I removed the money from my accounts where my mum was co-beneficiary and I am not so concerned about those because I don't think my mum will move legally against me (she would consider this shameful, if nothing else), but I do worry about the account that is joined with my sister too. She could be trouble. A friend suggested I write an email to both my sister and mum to explain that I have removed the money that was meant for me and that I want to remove my name from all other accounts. She said, if they object and cause trouble, you can suggest to bring in the lawyer. I would really like to avoid opening up a channel of communication with either of them but at this point I can't see if there is an easier option. I will talk to the lawyer on Tuesday and see what he says but so far my options are the following, I think:
1. I remove the money and get in touch with them to explain what I did and to say I want to be removed from the other accounts. If they accept, I can use the lawyer to represent me for the removal of my name and avoid further contact. If they refuse to cooperate, I suggest we use legal representation and see how it goes. This is the least aggressive option and, if they comply, the quickest, but it means I have to be in touch with them.
2. I remove the money without saying anything, hoping they won't take legal action and leave my name in their accounts. I keep my NC but risk further implications down the road - and my sister's narrative about me being greedy will be substantiated of course.
3. I use the lawyer to get in touch with them, inform them about my intentions to separate the finances and do the whole thing very formally. This would involve a lot of energy, money spent on the lawyer and I would not get the sum that was meant for me by my dad, but only one third.

I think I will postpone the decision for after the holiday but I would really like to have this sorted. I also discovered that, if I leave the money as it is, when my mother dies, my sister has a legal right to my accounts where my mum was co-beneficiary. It's a nightmare!

[Sojourner17]

Wobg, I'm sorry that there are financial entanglements right now.  I hope you have been able to work through them as best as possible and that the meeting went well with your lawyer.   

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Sojourner!
It did get resolved in the end: they moved their own money and I moved mine. I am still a co-holder in their joint accounts but that's more complicated to resolve so I will leave it for now. I posted an update elsewhere!

[Sojourner17]

I'm glad you were able to get it resolved.