Undermining n/c, now escalating

[GoodPesto]

Hi,

I went n/c about 9 months ago with unPDmoth. About two weeks ago I received a package from her containing x-mas gifts and a letter I chose not to read. I did not reach out to thank for the package or anything. Today I got another letter from her. I did not read it completely but scanned a line or two and the P.S. Looks like she is considering to show up unannounced (she did that once already, during our last round of n/c and I told her to not repeat that).

I am firm with my decision and do not want to be in touch with her at all.
I realise she is escalating because I did not take her bait (package, 1. letter).

Of course I do not want her to show up on my doorstep, but I also do not want to get in touch to tell her that again.

It feels like a damned if you do, damnded if you don't situation ... If I do not say anything at all, she will probably take the next step. If I do say something it feels as if she has successfully forced me out of n/c.

Got a knot it my stomach while thinking about this / typing this.

Any thoughts?

[blacksheep7]

Hi GoodPesto,

Sorry to hear that your M is not respecting your boundaries. That must be stressful to know that she might show up.
For my part, I never told my covertM I was going nc, 8 yrs now but she knew I was mad as hell. Luckily she didn't bother me.

I don't think you are breaking nc  if you communicate by writing one sentence that she is not welcome and will not answer the door. It might take a load of your mind. If she does show up then you'll have to take more serious measures.  Once you've made that clear, no need to answer any furthur because she probably will respond.

My two cents

Best wishes

[NarcKiddo]

It's difficult. I agree that on one level it makes sense to inform her she is not welcome - but that gives her proof you have received and read at least that much of her communications. You have already told her not to turn up unannounced like she did last time, so she has been notified.

The obvious thing seems to be to continue to ignore. You've had warning she may turn up so you have time to consider what to do if she does. If you trust yourself to turn her away or not to even answer the door then so much the better. If you think there is a risk of you caving in then it might be safest to write and remind her she is not welcome even though that tells her that you have read her letter. She might still turn up, but at least you may feel more able to point out she knows fine well you will not let her in because you only just told her so.

Good luck.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Good Pesto,
I am so sorry. This is so intrusive and stressful. I am not sure what I would do if I were in your position. I think I would probably stay silent and ignore the second letter too, and make a rough plan in my head about what to do if she showed up. If, however, telling her she is not welcome in your place would make you feel better, do that. I don't think her actions will hinge on what you do or do not do: her own mental state will decide whether she shows up or not, and who can determine what her mental state will be like?

I hope you get a peaceful break.

[GoodPesto]

Thank you both for you replies, much appreciated. I was leaning towards replying for the first few days to make sure she does not show up unannounced like blacksheep7 suggested. Just this morning that changed and I felt like not responding at all because I am (unlike last time) ready to keep ignoring her should she really dare to show up again, and reading NarcKiddo's post was valuable confirmation.

It's so much worth to be able to communicate with people who get it, so thanks again.

While typing this wobg's response comes in ... awesome, another confirmation. Thank you!