New here and really struggling tonight

[GrrCookie]

Hi everyone, I've just discovered this forum and wanted to introduce myself. I'm having a really hard evening and could really use some support.

This past year, I was in a six-month relationship with a covert narcissist (something I only realized after the final breakup, when I began researching the topic). I'm in my mid-30s; he is in his early 40s. We come from different cultures and languages, and we spoke in his language, which is my third.

He was emotionally, verbally (yelled at me, even called me a psychopath once...), and psychologically abusive. He never hit me, but during our very last fight, he ran toward me yelling, "I'll show you what violence really is," picked up a plate, and smashed it at my feet. I was terrified and hid in the bedroom, asking him to leave. He became angry because I was ending the relationship.

The first time he became aggressive was about two months into the relationship. He controlled transportation, as I didn't have a car or a license (I'm now in the process of getting one; the dangerous situations he put me in pushed me to finally overcome my fear and sign up for driving school). He lives in a rural, mountainous area where a car is essential. I was at his place, completely dependent on him for transportation, when he suddenly became moody. We started arguing, and he began yelling at me. When I asked him to take me home, he shouted, "I'm not a taxi, you can go on foot." I was shocked. He eventually took me home, and I forgave him. I still feel so much shame for forgiving him after every episode of disrespect.

I broke up with him a week later after talking to two friends (breakup #1). After the breakup, I went through what I now understand was withdrawal, but at the time I didn't recognize it. I told myself things like "He must be part of my destiny" or "There must be something else I need to live with him." I went back to him, and my two friends distanced themselves from me. It was an incredibly difficult time, and I felt very alone. The abusive cycle continued, and I tried to leave him two more times. There were many euphoric moments followed by complete chaos, as usual in abusive relationships (as I learned much, much later).

He took over my entire life. We were spending all day, every day together. Over time, I discovered that he didn't have any real friends. He wouldn't leave my place when I asked him to, waiting until I was exhausted and would give in and let him stay and sleep with me. When we went out dancing, I wasn't really allowed to talk to other men, and when I danced with other men, he would get jealous (initially pretended not to be, but it would come out much later, during the fights he would start for no apparent reason, generally when I was at his mercy regarding transportation). His ex was still in the picture as a "friend," but over time, I realized their bond was much stronger than I had believed. I feel deeply humiliated that I didn't see this sooner. They would sometimes meet up behind my back, and I would learn about it by accident (he lied a lot by omission).

It's been two months and three weeks since I ended the relationship and went no contact. He still managed to contact me through different channels, though I never replied. We ran into each other twice; I either didn't engage or left immediately. He also showed up unannounced at my place once. Despite blocking his email address, I was receiving emails in my spam folder where he rewrote history and tried to manipulate me. His ex kept reaching out to me, saying she wanted to be my friend. It took me far too long to understand what triangulation and flying monkeys are, and to realize she was reporting everything back to him. I cut contact with her as well.

I've lost an important part of my life — dance — because he can show up at events in my area at any time, and I have no control over that. To maintain no contact, I've had to give it up, and that has been devastating. I'm hoping that once I have my license and a car, I'll be able to join other dance communities, but that feels so far into the future right now...

Despite having read The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist, Psychopath Free, and half of another book on passive-aggressive narcissism, I still miss him sometimes. Or rather, I miss the illusion of him. So many things remind me of him, especially since we were essentially living together during the last four months of the relationship. He mirrored me extremely well and said exactly what I wanted to hear.

Nights are especially hard. I feel terribly lonely, and when I'm tired, I feel deeply depressed. I rely on caffeine to stay energized because when I'm exhausted, I feel more vulnerable. Anger helps me move forward, but the lows are intense.

I've tried reaching out to the safe people in my life, but there's only so much they can understand or hold. I journal, leave myself voice notes, and even write to AI, but it's still very hard. For the past two and a half weeks, I've set up an email filter so his emails are deleted before reaching my spam folder. Since then, it's been quiet, but I'm going through what feels like a second wave of withdrawal: depression, chills, anxiety, and crying. It's not as intense as the first two weeks were, but I keep wondering how long this process will last.

I'm doing my best to stay hopeful, but evenings are incredibly difficult, especially with the darkness of December. Over the holidays, I'll be attending a 10-day Vipassana silent meditation retreat for the first time, and I'm hoping it will help.

Thank you in advance for any kind words or support. I'm grateful to have found this forum and wish you all strength and resilience.

[bloomie]

GrrCookie - welcome to Out of the FOG. I am thankful you have found this supportive community as you weather this time of grief and recovery from such a traumatic experience. It is incredibly disconcerting to be completely cut off from others and ourselves and yet there is someone ever present in our immediate world such as you describe experiencing in this relationship.

How wise to be taking such important steps to reclaim your life from what it sounds like was a hostile, covert, manipulative, confusing take over. By gaining your independence and driving, finding new dance venues once you are able to drive, searching and joining communities like this one, reading informative, clarifying books and the retreat you are going to you are already taking HUGE steps that take some people years to do. I find you inspiring! 

A very kind friend told me this old saying: "progress, not perfection" in my own journey out of the hostile take over of my own life by a man who could not love anything or anyone despite how it felt, seemed at times, or what he said. 

So, be gentle and understanding with yourself when you need more time or find you have tough evenings. That is part of the process, I have found.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. We have a great sub forum for those who are in a similar stage of ending the relationship found here: Separating and Divorcing

Settle in and take a look at the info at the drop down menus above and resources all over the boards. I hope today finds your spirits have lifted a bit and look forward to supporting you!

[GrrCookie]

Thank you very much, Bloomie, for your kind response and thoughtful active listening. Thank you for your encouragement, for seeing and validating my experience, and for sharing resources and information on how to navigate the forum.

Wishing you and everyone reading a restful and kind holiday season 🌲 🎁