The New Generation of PDs perhaps

[OverHere]

I haven't posted since May 2025.  A few months ago I saw my disabled long-adult child and they let slip that their older sibling had taken them to a lawyer and told them not to tell me about it.  I made light of it at the time so as not to distress my child pointlessly but after quite a long delay the implications of that sunk in.  The "don't tell" is alienating behaviour regardless of the purpose of the lawyer visit. No wonder my younger one has become even more distant. NC since October and very little before that.

Anyway in the last few weeks I have had such a nice time and taken such better care of myself that I feel really buoyant.  The reason?  I think this time I really am done.  I feel done.  These two were the last links between myself and my uNPD ex overseas. There's nothing he can take from me anymore which makes things quite confusing as all my other relationships have been affected by the need to protect this child. I can't protect them, due to their choices and lack of awareness.  The disability makes that more so, not less so.

I had hoped that the permanent placement of my child in supported living in our home country would mean that eventually those involved - support workers and managers - would see through my exs DARVO but it's just not so, that's not how alienation works.  Even if the alienator dies or goes to prison etc, the alienated don't get their relationships back.

If you don't understand parental alienation this probably won't make much sense to you sorry.  I still love my disabled child and I fear for them so much as it's hard to imagine a more vulnerable situation for them to be in.  But I see I am making things worse for everyone.

I feel nothing for their older sibling after 25 years of trying very hard to stay in touch and two paid support groups.

I feel such a strange mixture of joy and relief now that it seems clear that all is lost (ex took my family of origin too).  Have you ever noticed how some people seem to be able to fill a room with light and love just by leaving it?  This has been like when a loose tooth finally lets that last sore tether go.

Thanks for reading.

PS  I think one reason for my feeling "done" is that both adult children have reconciled with me in the past and apologised for their treatment of me, which tells me that despite the intensive labour it takes from me, it's only temporary, they will still revert.

[blacksheep7]

Hi OverHere,

I am sorry that you are going throught this.  I understand your pain have been living with parental alienation for forty years after my seperation/divorce from their unNPD father.

Yesterday for christmas they were here. All in all it went well but my son acts like his father, no filter and my daughter ignores me throughout the year, favors her Dad.  My son is also pretty much absent from my life. 

I have no advice but just wanted to let you know, I hear you.

[OverHere]

Thank you for your kind reply Blacksheep and it does sound like you understand what I am talking about.I read back through some of your more recent posts. I don't have grandchildren, that I know of, but your comments made me think it's a little like being the grandmother on the father's side, rather than the mother's. To put it another way, your daughter sounds a bit more like a DIL in the way she relates to you. I too am sorry you are going through this. 

My adult children are passive-aggressive and I respond with passive which keeps me out of so much trouble.  But as I said, no grandchildren in the mix.  It seems less painful, but I didn't do that part of a life cycle so I don't have a natural understanding of it. 

My mother sounds like yours, interesting

Thanks again Blacksheep

[Rebel13]

I think this time I really am done.  I feel done.  ...

PS  I think one reason for my feeling "done" is that both adult children have reconciled with me in the past and apologised for their treatment of me, which tells me that despite the intensive labour it takes from me, it's only temporary, they will still revert.

OverHere, I know so well that feeling of freedom of being "done." My favorite thing that I have learned over the last couple of years is how to realize when "this isn't my problem to solve" or "this is out of my control" and really internalize that and STOP trying to fix things I can't fix. It's not that there isn't sadness, grief, or anger that might go along with it. But once I have the realization, I can stop beating my head against a brick wall and turn my energy and attention to areas where I might have influence or ability to make my life better.

I hope you will end up having positive relationships with your children, but relationships are a two-way street. I'm glad you are caring for yourself, feeling free and buoyant today.

[OverHere]

Thank you Rebel I can tell you know what I am talking about.  I knew this really early on, that we can't control it, but I forget every 5 seconds or so and of course we don't see the real ramifications until we have more experience. 

I was upset at my adult children for thinking they can help their other parent, in other words they do know there is something seriously wrong there but don't understand the nature of it.  Its as if they can see the danger to their own daily comfort from the abuse, and that's a sacrifice they are willing to make, but they can't see the danger to their other relationships and their own soul. You can develop a full-blown PD, like missionaries to leper colonies who go a long time without catching leprosy but finally get it. I am no better off if I think I can "help" them with their desire to help the other parent but I don't see it as happening to me.  I fail to put myself in the picture.

"The tree remembers, the axe forgets"

People say that to avoid the abuser means you feel hostility, anger, or bitterness.  What if it is the result of healthy fear?  Fear and grief are overlooked because the critics have become numb to those feelings through courting their N for too long.

Relationships are a two way street, so true.  Thank you.

[Rebel13]

I knew this really early on, that we can't control it, but I forget every 5 seconds or so

Oh my gosh me too! But there is that moment of really GETTING it, and then things aren't the same after that. We aren't stuck in the cycle anymore, even if we still have feelings about it. It takes a while to get there though. It sounds like your kids are still in the cycle of trying to fix it.
 

People say that to avoid the abuser means you feel hostility, anger, or bitterness.  What if it is the result of healthy fear?

Oh 100%. That's why it's so nice to have a community of people who have been there. We know what it's like, we don't have to imagine, or fall back on platitudes.

[OverHere]

"It sounds like your kids are still in the cycle of trying to fix it."
Yes and they do say it takes multiple tries to confront a parent or go no contact, just as it takes many tries to leave an abusive spouse.  The oldest has already had a severe falling out with the other parent over their treatment of my disabled child and during that time they reconciled with me.  The other one hardly has their foot the ladder.

I have gone NC with my own abusive parent, their grandparent, and they know this.  What surprises me very much is the gulf between "working on the relationship" and "setting a good example" through silence and boundaries.  If silence isn't an option, it's like trying to do math without a zero. Even the "medium chill" advice, usually so helpful, doesn't include silence.

So nice to be able to talk about this out loud, thanks for listening. You are right.