Feeling sad (festive rant)

[T-dog]

The festive period always makes me feel a bit weird as most of my family relationships are difficult in some way or another. This year I hoped that things might be a bit different as my twins were born earlier in the year and it has been nice to focus on babies rather than on all the other nonsense. But my family is always in the back of my mind, especially my sister who has essentially withdrawn from any contact with me, which I'm mostly ok with but I do miss my niece and nephew. I can't think of a way to get in touch with them without it being passive aggressive and I don't know if their mobile phone usage is monitored (they're both young teenagers now). Maybe I'm overthinking it but I don't particularly wish my sister anything as she has made it clear that she has close to zero concern for me: she has declined to meet my babies and basically said 'sorry to hear it' when I previously lost a baby at 20 weeks and I didn't hear from her again until I sent her something for her birthday several months later. (A few people have suggested she could be dealing with her own baby losses but as far as I know she has experienced no miscarriages, and even if she had I would expect a little more understanding).

I've made attempts to meet up but I've stopped trying now as I got tired of being told no without any attempts to follow up. I guess in her eyes I've done something wrong which she's not telling me about, I realise I'm doing the same thing now by complaining here rather than telling her what she's done that's bothered me. However, everyone I speak to suggests that a reasonable response would be to at least check that I'm ok even if there is no attempt to meet up. I don't know, I'm going round in circles a bit and it's making me feel low as I'm the one who used to try to find a solution, the family peacekeeper if you will, and I stopped doing that a long time ago. I'm trying to do the right thing whilst also prioritising myself and it means that something always feels wrong as I can't be what everyone wants from me and also look after my own needs.

I'm also the only one out of my siblings who is currently in contact with our mother and i think it will become more difficult as she gets older and less capable, I'm dreading having to deal with everything with minimal support as I already have a lot on my plate!

Solidarity to all of you going through both similar and different things this season, wishing you peace and love for the new year

[SisterBlue]

I completely understand all of those feelings. From the things you describe, it really doesn't seem like there is much else you can do as you're not getting the communication that would further any sort of mature and compassionate efforts to make things better. But I do feel you. I have much of the same sadness for the same reasons.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi, yes I feel your pain as well. Congratulations on the birth of your twins, and I'm sorry for the loss of your baby as well.

That's a lot of pain when those who you would love and who you wish would love you just... don't. When you try and try and get little to no reciprocity. I'm glad you're matching effort for your own peace, and are believing what is being communicated by that lack of effort and caring. I agree with you, basic etiquette requires offering sincere condolences on the death of your sister's child. In my opinion, if she has suffered a similar loss, that makes her lack of caring more egregious, not less, because she would know firsthand something of the pain you were in at the time.

I can see the anxiety of being the last sibling left "holding the bag" with regard to being in contact with your mother. I imagine she is also difficult in her own way. There is plenty of experience on these boards about caring for elderly parents while taking extreme ownership of our own wellbeing and setting the necessary boundaries to make that work for us, if you are interested in exploring that topic.

I'm NC with my whole FOO, for several years now, and while having the beautiful faces of my husband, children, and good friends and neighbors around me is truly healing and such a gift, that grief definitely still hits at Christmastime. It's one of the reasons I'm still on here, because I still just need some folks who really understand to sit in that place with me sometimes. Thank you for sharing that piece of your life here.