It's not you, it's me?

[Rebel13]

I thought this insight from Call Me Cordelia in another thread was kind of profound (emphasis added):

I think it can be true that something can trigger us and we can extend a bit of grace to people.

I don't know if I've heard this discussed very much in the wider world. I feel like the responses to being upset are usually black or white. Either the other person did a horrible thing and should be judged/censured/treated to a social media pile-on, or the upset person is just "too sensitive" and needs to get over it. (Do I see it this way just because I was raised by a PD mom??!? LOL)

What do you think? Do you have any strategies for spotting when the thing is something that's hard for you but otherwise normal vs when it's a true red flag and protective measures should be taken? Any techniques for or success stories about coping with the former? Any insights into how the public discourse could be influenced to be more nuanced?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think what you describe is a "feelings are facts" approach. I feel bad so therefore what you did is bad, or on the other hand I don't feel that so your feelings are wrong. 

I think you're asking a really important question though: Is our body and amygdala telling us something about a real and present threat, or is our trauma being activated out of proportion to the situation at hand? I think it can be really hard to tell, especially in a triggered state! Thanks, I think this will be a good discussion.

Sometimes it's obvious. One of my triggers was pancakes. My father was super weird about pancakes and had this whole OCPD ritual about making them on Saturday mornings that kept our whole family hostage for hours. That's just not normal and I knew it. I couldn't stand pancakes. But I couldn't tell people not to eat pancakes around me! The trigger was real but it was clearly my stuff to manage.

On the other hand, the effect of gaslighting etc. also leads us accept the unacceptable.

[Pinkos]

Excellent topic. I look forward to others' viewpoint.

I think for those of us who have undergone years of gaslighting and emotional manipulation/abuse the process of reparenting ourselves necessitates self-validation.

That was a big ah-ha moment for me many years ago when a therapist told that I needed to self-validate. I thought, wait, I'm allowed to do that? No one has to check my homework? 

I think it can be a double edged sword even with therapists/self-help concepts ("distorted reality" —— according to who?) —- to the extent that we can become dependent on them for validation. I think it can infantilize us. What is the ultimate goal? Is it to be correct in every instance? Who defines what's "correct"? Sure, we will overreact sometimes, get it wrong other times etc but surely we will get it right most of the time only if we keep sharpening our instincts and increasing self-trust, right?

When dealing with disordered or selfish types, especially, it is even more important to stick to our guns I think. Because we know they are trying to drag us waaaaaay out of balance so even if we are wrong in terms of a functioning dynamic, we may not be wrong in a dysfunctional/disordered dynamic. In other words, on balance and in the context of a disordered dynamic, we are better off trusting ourselves even if we are off half the time.

This is something I've struggled with a lot in my life. As I've entered my 40s, I look around and see that most people are not all that reflective, careful of how they perceive things etc. Most people don't overthink things like I do. Most are self-involved. Also, most people just don't do anything they don't want to do and I'm not sure what's "the right thing" even enters into their thought process.  Also, most people take the path of least resistance. They avoid conflict at great costs. So I find myself not trusting or liking many people these days because I just find that they don't share my values. And if we don't have similar values why should I give their perspective/opinion/feeling more weight than mine? Who is right is not an easy question to answer. But I have learned that I'm not always wrong. Also, if the other person doesn't consider my feelings I feel more and more these days that it's OK for me to NOT consider theirs and only worry about myself.