Seeking solidarity while preparing to go no-contact

[MadCow]

Hi all,

Unfortunately my parent's behaviour is just too much. I'm in my 50s now and it's just too disruptive and psychologically harmful. My widowed parent's BPD is tied very tightly to an overvalued idea ("child in peril"). As the object of their pathological worrying and an only child, I can't live a normal life without being in a perpetual state of angst: "Waiting for the other shoe to drop" i.e. the next big drama.

I have been as low contact as possible to maintain boundaries, but I've been recovering from cancer (cancer-free now) and I just do not have any energy left over for this latest meltdown.

I'm also the only family member in the country, so elder care is my responsibility. I'm currently working on a plan to at least take a month or two of no contact, but it fills me full of dread for the inevitable escalation (and probable threats of self-harm).

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @MadCow

i'm in a similar situation with my birth parents- although they both have other children with other people, I am the only child of their union....  I see a lot of what could have been my life had I stayed in contact with my uPD mother in your post and had a taste of the elder care situation when I 'helped' with my biological father's mother when he and his sister could not because of their own trauma history with their mother as children(which I completely understand).

if the distance saves you then it is necessary for both your own physical and emotional health. one thing that helped my dad out in his situation was basically paying people to do some of the stuff for his mother he couldn't/was not able to do because of the trauma history and abuse (plus living on the other side of the country from her).  he was her POA and was able to sit down with a financial person and basically set up her long term care costs ahead of the game- and then when things got more complicated they named me as an additional POA and I was able to oversee the situation as grandma's care needs changed towards the end.

depending on your area/ state it may not be a bad idea to contact an attorney that specializes in eldercare- that made the process we went through more manageable and way less stressful bc the plan was in place when it needed to be.

PS NC with birth mother 30+ years (I started around age 22) so I get it.  you have to take care of YOU FIRST. 

[Rebel13]

Hi MadCow,

A cancer diagnosis a couple years ago was the catalyst for me going NC with my mother (along with some typical drama on her part) in my 50s. So, much solidarity. I'm fortunate (?) that my golden child brother lives in my mother's general vicinity and has been carrying the emotional load, and she has a paid helper whom she describes as her "best friend." This system has been in place for many years, as I live far away from them, and it seems to be working OK. I don't know what will happen when something eventually upsets the status quo, but I have no plans to re-enter that three-ring circus. I think xredshoesx's suggestions about putting professionals in between you, if possible, are great and it has been helpful in my own situation, obviously, as well as lots of the stories I've read on this forum.

Wishing you the best.